It is 3:21 in the morning
And yet I do not, cannot, sleep
As acoustic melodies play on through
the semi-lit semi-dark night
easing on towards morning
in which perhaps I will still sit
on this empty bed that misses you
typing those 3:24 am thoughts
that are drenched in you

it’s empty in this room
walls bare and blinds closed
casting only dim lights
as cars drive by, tires over wet pavement
it’s cold here without
you to fill up the space
space that remembers
your presence
how you filled this space with it

I think I will sit on til morning
For it’s only hours away
Sleep won’t come to keep me company
For nothing will
Nothing keeps company
Like these 3:34 am obsessions
Remembrances of when you still existed here

I’m on a countdown
With only days to live
Before that inevitable heartbreak will come
You are the drug that heals
But with destructive side-affects
We have days left
When you hold my hand and tell me it’s over
But I want to keep living
I want to run away with you
And escape all this
I want to have strength to climb
And to heal and dance
You have the power to give me more days
Please
Please give those days to me
I wish you could sacrifice it all for me
But then someone else will be in this bed
Begging for release from the pain

God
Dear God
Oh Lord
Heavenly Father
My Messiah
Lord in Heaven

I haven't felt


this

good

in
years

I'm a woman who just escaped the depths of a cave and felt sunlight on her skin.

I haven't felt like this about someone
since I was young
and believed that true love existed
and that once I met him I would know.
We would live in a castle in the sky
and hold hands
and laugh until our lungs caved in.
This mystery man of mine


But you

oh you

I can't help it
I've fallen for you
so deeply to the point where I don't recognize myself

This is the person I used to be
when I wasn't hardened by harsh words
and tainted smiles.

What did I do to meet you?

Which stars aligned to where I allowed to know you?

It was an accident
a simple click of a button
and a small interest

And yet
I feel so hopelessly dedicated to this relationship

God you

You

I just

I can't say it

But I will

Perhaps the strangest feeling
is when you go from speaking to someone every day
so concerned for their well-being, their mood, their everything
making plans around them
today plans and future ten-years-from-now plans
what-are-you-doing-for-dinner plans
let-me-check-with-you-first plans
to never speaking
never consulting them
no more how are yous
good mornings and goodnights
no more voiced concern though the worry still there
a forced separation
not of death or distance but of feeling
of we can’t speak anymore
we can’t be lovers we can’t be friends
we can’t be anything but strangers with history

what’s harder
is when they don’t understand

because you found someone else
to make plans with

That song. That **** song.
It's like acid on my stomach
dropping my blood from my face to my toes
from those first xylophone notes
that spell out our end
it makes me sick
actually sick
my stomach churns
grates against my lungs
and it's like a drug
I want to quit
listening and listening
to that **** song
but it reminds me

that you could be happy.

that I could be happy.
if it weren't for that **** song.

eye in the hurricane
calm in the thunder and lightning
blank eyes in raging yells
low voice as you yell at me
the steady heartbeat
as yours flies wild
as your words attack
and you call on the winds and rain
and throw your very nature against me.

in that moment
i was done.