I could tell you how I am
or I could show you

but I can't.

Show you, I mean

My pain is more than skin-deep
I carry around emotional baggage
just under my eyes
and drag it with me,
suitcases full of decaying memories

If you choose not to consider me as part of your life
and leave my memory to rot and linger for months
then ******* for trying to push back into my head
and pretend you care

If you think I'm about to let you into my life
when you haven't so much as asked me
if I even want you there
then ******* for trying to push back into my head
and pretend that you care

I'm just fine, thanks.
I'm great, actually.
Life goes on with or without you.

It's not that I hate you
or want you to leave me alone,
no,
it's so much more than that

I need you by my side
I need you to check up on me
I need you to show me that you care

and as soon as you do that,
I'll spit right in your face
Cut you down to size so you
never make the mistake of trusting me again

When you're gone,
I'm so alone

So I sit alone in my room at night,
watch lightning tear apart the sky
and I take paper cutters
and razor blades
to the tips of my fingers
so all my scars
all my pain
and all of me
remains invisible

Ridge
(as in steep precarious drops into nothingness)

I'm surrounded by "almost"s and idk what to do with it. You know, like a marionette doll.

I'm entirely dead, but when something needs to be done- someone can just tug the strings and I'll limp off in the general direction regardless of whether I want to or not.

Nouns with no verbs,
adjectives with no subject.

I didn't sleep that night, I was up all night questioning my existence.
Literally questioning my existence. It was intense. Just heard my mom's voice on a loop
"It's not real"
"Yes, I believe you might be experiencing uncertainty about your identity but personality disorders aren't real"
"They're not real"
"That's not the kind of thing you just bring up in conversation, it's not just an everyday topic"
"stop pretending to be them"
"it's not real"
"not real"
"not real"

I slept very little

I just
kinda feel like a lab animal on a surgery table. Can't do anything to help myself, just hope that the end is quick whatever it may be.

Is this the ridge?

You, I love

Not "I love you"
me first, I this
me that
me before you

You, I love

Your smile, I love
Your mind, I love

Your kindness, I love
Your wrath, I love

Your imagination, I love
Your creativity, I love

Your confusion, I love
Your curiosity, I love

Your voice, I love
Your laugh, I love

You, I love

You before me,
no matter what *we do.
Because it is you whom I love.

******* isn’t a very pretty word, so let’s pretend it wasn’t. We’ll say it was... love.
Or do they call it making love? Does it matter if that wasn’t what it was?
Recall I don’t love you and neither you me. It doesn’t really matter because what will we ever be?
Curled up next to you almost made me think I was happy. I’ll say it was... infatuation.
Enamored, maybe, I was. But then again you were only using me, weren’t you darling?
Don’t pretend you don’t remember those three nights. I can help you out if you’d like.

Teasing was all it was supposed to be. Do you remember the taste of my lips? I remember yours.
Re: not the ones on your face. But from a legal standpoint, do you know what you did?
All that fun we had? You drugged me, used me, and took advantage of me. I swear you did.
Unless I was high the whole time, I’m fairly certain your boyfriend was filming us.
Might I add that he could be arrested for exploiting a minor?
And you, too, for ****. But don’t worry, we were just *******. Right?

But don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that. What we made was love, remember?
Love, like when you spiked my coffee. Love, when you watched me strip. Love...
Uncouth is how I would describe the things we said to each other. Bad words, bad words.
Now I just want to tell you one thing, and don’t take it the wrong way.
Te amo, mi amor. I hope you burn in hell but only when you treat me well.

I was hoping you'd notice my absence.
I wanted you to be hurt when you realised
that I didn't say goodbye.

I was hoping you'd assume that I
no longer want you in my life.
I wanted you to cry when you realised
I had cut you out of my life.

I was hoping you'd know what you'd lost.
I wanted you to be in pain when you realised
that you almost had me, but now I'm
gone.

Up to the looking glass
you can see
none too clear

A pink hazed unreality
beckoning your touch

A myriad of music notes
pulling your hand

Your own voice covers you
in a blanket of warmth
humming to you
still, still, still

Inside the looking glass
you can see
none too clear

A gray clouded fantasy
begging for your taste

A shattered vanity
sinking into your teeth

Your own voice covers you
in a blanket of warmth
humming to you
shh, shh, shh

Rock­a­bye baby...

High on the rocks

Thinking you’re safe,

and god knows you’re not

Baby is sleeping,

unknowing of its fate

Far, far down

there lies a frozen lake

For when the wind blows,

the cradle will fall

splinter to pieces

like a shabby wooden wall

Here the wind comes,

gentle and sweet

Planning the gruesome,

drawn­out death

the poor baby will soon meet

Forward and back,

the cradle will rock

The wind will softly caress,

all the way down

until the baby’s skull

shatters on the dock

From the high rooftops,

into the sea

No one could hear

the poor baby’s screams

Rock­a­bye baby,

high on the rocks

Thinking you’re safe

and god knows you’re not

She was an empty girl with worlds on her arms
Swirling, shifting, kaleidoscope dreams

She was a quiet girl with tears in her eyes
Dripping, blossoming, nourishing streams

She was a strong girl with blood on her hands
Slipping, chafing, encouraging pain

She was an important girl with jewels in her crown
Shining, glistening, cavalier fame

In her stream of consciousness
falling, falling, falling, falling

Until all that was left was an empty corpse
white, dry, draining life