what a feeling
to be falling
for someone.
it's amazing
(but scary)
(because i don't know if it's mutual)

i want someone
to look at me
that way
johnny
looks at loretta
in moonstruck.
the way
johnny
looks at baby
in ***** dancing.

i no longer constantly write
from a place of sadness and hurt.
i am trying to write
from a place of happiness and light
because those feelings of
happiness and love
are what i want to feel
all the time.

i spent almost all of my teenage years
being sad and miserable -
doing horrible things to myself
and to the ones i love the most.
i never want to go back there
ever again.
i want to fianlly be happy with myself,
my body,
who i am as a person.

and i think i can do that.

perfection is
a hot cup of coffee
in a cafe full of strangers.
perfection is
christmas music
playing softly in the background.
perfection is
thanksgiving
and all the love it brings.
perfection is
christmas
and all the joy it brings.
perfection is
family gathered together
in rooms filled with love and laughter.
perfection is
mass on christmas eve
and the peace it brings.
perfection is
sleeping in on christmas morning
and waking up to a house filled with the smell of the ham cooking.
perfection is
the smiles on my loved ones' faces.
perfection is
a hug
from someone i love.
perfection is
a hot cup of coffee
in a cafe full of strangers.

to my (future) husband,
as i sit and write this, i don't know if i've met you yet.
but i honestly hope i have.

if you're reading this,
thank you for honoring my ridiculous request
to do the final dance number that baby and johnny did from ***** dancing
at our wedding
(if we didn't do the lift, it's okay)

thank you for always being there.
through the breakdowns,
the rants,
all the bad.

thank you for always being there.
through the endless summers,
the sunny days that turned into fire lit nights,
the endless godfather marathons,
all the good.

i will always be there for you -
through all the bad
and all the good.
through your successes
and failures
i will be there.

and i will love you until the day i die.

when i am sad, oh god i'm sad
but when i'm happy, dear god i'm the happiest person on the planet.
but those moments are fleeting.
those moments of pure, unadulterated happiness are the moments
i long for the most.
it's like i'm chasing a high i'll never get.
i'm like an addict,
constantly looking for my next hit in whatever crosses my path,
a cup of coffee,
a friendly face,
a song,
the sun on my skin,
leaves crunching under my feet,
trivial things,
anything.
those small things that used to bring light into my world
barely create a spark now.

i was doing well,
i was genuinely happy.

what happened?

why must i feel
everything
so deeply?

why is it so hard to express
those emotions out in the open?
why can't i allow myself to be vulnerable around anyone?

why do i bottle everything up?

i've been running
a marathon
for what feels like an eternity.
i'm at the one hundred mile mark
but
there are
no water stations,
no refueling tables,
no finish line
in sight.

how much longer will i be this way?
i'm so tired.
my body feels like lead -
weighing me down.
(my mind left miles ago)

will my legs give out?
will i be crushed under this weight?
will my body shut down?
(my mind already has)

the butterflies in my stomach
the flutter in my chest
are overtaken
by the weight of self-doubt
and overthinking.

those butterflies,
that flutter
are the only things i ever want to feel.
pure bliss.
pure happiness.

the self-doubt, the overthinking,
the anxiety it brings
is overwhelming.
shutting down is the only option.

it's all i can do.
(but i can't)

i have lost
i have won
i have been down
i have been up

my world has been rocked
and turned
upside down

so much has changed
yet so much has stayed the same

things have become more complex
yet some have simplified

(i just want this year to end)
i never want this year to end

I am happy now

These things I have penned
These thoughts that were once impenetrable
Have dissipated.

Each one of these poems
Mean nothing to me.

I still feel pain
but I'm not afraid to hurt anymore.

There is a light -
I just had to go through the darkest depths
to find it.

I'm proud to say
"I made it"
Memories sometimes surface
but I have the strength to push them away.
I have the strength to let the sun shine on me.

I finally learned that it is okay to be happy.

oh how i would love
coffee and a cigarette
they are both so lovely
and romantic
they make for perfect pictures
but one of these
killed my cousin.
oh how romantic

Do not buy me roses.
Roses are beautiful,
but the last time
someone gave me roses,
was at a funeral.
Do not buy me roses
of any color -
red,
pink,
or yellow.
My grandmother
gave me pink roses
at her funeral.
My dear cousin
gave me red roses
at his funeral.
Do not buy me a rose
because I will punch you in the nose.

I always wonder
if you were lying to me
when you said that
your house burned down.

I always wonder
if you really meant it
when you said that
you loved me.

I always wonder
why I am still thinking
about you
because
you ruined my life.

I always wonder
if you knew that
you robbed me.

I always wonder
if you really understood
how ******* up
our relationship was.

I always wonder
if you knew
that your words
hurt me.

I always wonder
if you knew
how much pain you inflicted on me.

I always wonder
if you understood
that I couldn't leave you
alone.

I always wonder
if you realized
that you forced me
to stay.

I always wonder
if you ever really understood
you,
me,
us,
at all?

nothing but
tears
have streamed down my face today.
my eyes,
my head,
my throat,
my chest.
they all hurt.
my heart is broken
i am living in a state of
denial.
i can't believe this happened.
it wasn't supposed to happen like this.
this wasn't supposed to happen today.
i am broken.
my soul is shattered.

So many things have happened
in the past four years.
I have loved.
I have lost.
I have been happy.
I have been sad.
I have been used.
But now I am scared.
I am terrified of what lies ahead.
It is like I am standing in the path
of an oncoming train -
I can see it in the distance,
I know it is coming,
but I don't know when it will hit me.

the night is so dark
the darkness, it consumes me
the night is so dark

I cannot decide whether or not to
End this.
Sometimes things go great.
But those times are rare.
Things are turning sour but you're too
Blind to see it.

We are all doomed to Death.
We all have the same fate;
So why do we try and change it?

They say that a red thread connects you to the person you love.
That thread can be
Twisted,
Tied,
Looped,
But never frayed or broken.
I used to believe this.
Until my thread started to fray.

'I love you. So much.'
is what you say to me.
Even after you treat me like ****;
It's what you tell me.
I can't believe you anymore.
I try so hard, but I just can't.
I say
'I love you too.'
but I don't know if I mean it anymore.

I wake up sad.
I go about my business sad.
I to go sleep sad.
It's and endless cycle.
And the one who makes me the happiest
Is also the one who makes me miserable.

You get upset.
I get upset.
We apologise to each other.
Then we kiss.
And kiss some more.
It's like make-up ***.
Then after that,
Everything is normal again.

Is this what our relationship has come to?

I live in a place where the sun doesn't shine.
I do not live in Alaska or some strange country.
I live in the dark recesses if my mind.
The place where I live has no sun.
It only has black.

I live in a place where the sun doesn't shine.
Many days I wish I could see the sun.
But I know that isn't possible.
I wish that the black would just go away.

I live in a place where the sun doesn't shine.
This place has become my only saving grace.
Black, inky darkness everywhere.
Is it sad to say that I'm comfortable here?

it all starts with a spark
add some oxygen and some kindling
and it becomes small flares.
small flares become large flames
destroying everything in their path.
in a flash,
everything is gone.
all those photographs,
the paintings, the letters,
everything that you have come to love.
gone.
in a flash.
remnants of times past float into the air,
ashen and black.

I'm just really sad.
I should feel great.
I have a family that loves me,
Friends who care,
A promising future,
Big dreams,
Good grades.

But I still feel sad.