you drilled a hole in my heart
and left it there
     naked
       open
         vulnerable

Am I trapped,
Or is this just the way to be?
Am I alive,
Or is this just some cosmic energy?
Am I happy,
Or is this lack of agony?
Am I sad,
Or is this how it should be?
Am I floating,
Or the world is flashing past me?
Am I flying,
Or the universe is revolving around me?
Am I thinking,
Or the thoughts are piercing me?
Am I writing,
Or are the words playing hide and seek?

It's odd to think that
among everything inside
the universe, I still matter.

Cookie cutter houses lined with white picket fences
Perfect house wives in pretty coloured dresses
Polite little children play in green gardens
Breadwinner husbands provide for their own

A facade of happy families in an urban village
Painting a perfected picture of contented population
Because society frowns upon unhappiness

Sad little child sits all alone
Eating out of a brown crinkled paper bag
No one notices the tears that streak his face
From the names shouted his way

Lonely teenage girl stand in front of a mirror
Skin tight around her bones
She doesn't see the beauty she holds
Only an ugly creature who needs to fit into the smallest jeans

Close to midnight on a deserted bridge in town
A man stands tall
Thinking about the deadly fall
He wants so desperately to take

We all hop about heads high hiding behind the fake smiles
Because it's easier to say "I'm Fine"
Than to admit the truth
That not everything is happy

Thinking about the past with you makes me feel guilty
Why do I feel guilty thinking about things we shared
I did love you once, I think
I don't know
I can't remember

The last second of the first moment we met, we had to catch each other as we fell, we stole each other's breath right from under our noses.

The last second of the first moment we kissed came abruptly. We had to pull apart sooner – to allow time to continue because it seemingly stopped the very second our lips met.

The last moment we shared was the second time I fell – although this time your hands weren't there to catch mine.

I shatter for the last time.

. I wish I didn’t find a way to **** up every relationship I ever had. I wish I had never kissed John Doe when he was high and had a girlfriend, and all the many times we did it sober. I wish I hadn’t told him I had feelings for him, and just waited.  I wish I still didn’t cry over the kisses he left on my skin over four months ago. I wish that I had had the chance to scream all my angry feelings at him. I wish my face and neck didn’t go hot with anger every time I look or think of him. I wish I hadn’t slapped him, or slept with him. I wish I had the courage to walk up to him and hug him. And just hold him for a few minutes. I WISH I COULD SCREAM “YOU ******* PROMISED” OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL MY THROAT IS RAW AND MY EYES ARE EMPTY OF TEARS. I wish he knew how much he hurts me every time I see those eyes. I wish with all my might that I could hit rewind and start my whole life over, with all the knowledge I have now. Because my heart hurts and my mind is bored.

I was not born to fit in
Nor will I ever try
I do not want to be
Another mindless soul
I would rather die

And if life gives me lemons
I will make orange juice
Because I am different
And I will live life
As I choose