waking up with inexplicable bruises
the sound of you on my mind
i roam around an empty bed
in an empty house
in a broken city

where everything reminds me of you
didn't you say
you loved broken wings
and blue eyed girls?

i go to sleep
pristine pale skin
i dream of dancing with the devil
while you watch

i wake up
dark red scars on my calf
i think of you as freddy kreuger
maybe some sort of alien

you always were
too good for this world
or perhaps too malicious

you always said,
"you exist you exist you exist"
you always cried
when i said i loved you

shirts ruined from your salty
acidic
tears

i fall (apart) asleep
in the back of a car
on its way to nowhere close to you

don't you dare
end your life
and
take yourself from
here

if you do i will be
solemn and alone

i don't want to be alone
never again
even if it means using my
voice for once
in my life
talking is not really my thing
after what happened
before I met you.
love, i am willing to try
even if you aren't.

he left you
about two years ago
or maybe you left him

he called you a *****
he told you to shut the **** up
he slammed the door in your face

you called him a Liar
you said delete my number
you got on the next bus to nowhere

he used to call you
b   e    a       u      t       i  f      u      l
now he doesn't call you at all

but that time of your life was a mess
of ******* and existentialism
and a love hate relationship

you went to rehab
tried to fall in love with yourself
stopped letting strangers feel you from the inside

so maybe you were a *****
but he wasn't exactly a saint
you heard he got married three months after you broke up

to the girl
he cheated on you with
s h o t g u n     w e d d i n g

he kept so many secrets from you
he became a secret himself
he dug his grave with his lies

and maybe you were annoying
every time you asked, 'is this real'
but you needed to know if you were dreaming

because you could never get him out of your dreams
even when you were miles away
sleeping in someone else's bed

you think about calling him
sometimes, late at night
when you're alone

you're worried his wife might pick up
or the phone will wake the baby up
but really you're worried he won't want to talk to you

a Liar and a *****
but if he knocked on your front door
you'd fall into his arms all over again

people are not like seasons
it was not a change from summer
to winter

once summer is over
it never comes around again
no matter how badly you want it to

at some point in time
you needed him
but he needed you too

at some point in time
you were screaming your love
from rooftops

at some point in time
those ******* roofs
caved in underneath your feet

leaving you alone
with your thoughts
in a pile of rubble

two years later
and you still wake up sometimes
wondering if it's possible to still be in love

with someone who broke your heart
and tore it into pieces
two years ago

or maybe you broke his heart
but you often wonder
if he even had a heart at all

you never once saw it

i can't explain it.*
i've been trying for so long to put words
to the way i feel when i think of you but
i can't explain it.
it's not love. it's not.
i've been in love before and none of that has ever felt this amazing.
and here we are again,
the word 'amazing' doesn't even begin to define the way it feels.
i can't explain it.
kissing you is like kissing the sun.
sleeping with you is like sleeping on a cloud.
looking at you is like watching the most beautiful sunset you could possibly imagine.
i can't explain it.
but that's not enough,
there's more. there's always more
because a love like this is never ending
a love like this follows you on throughout your life
i keep looking at my hands and wondering
if maybe sometimes you close your eyes
and think of them
i can't explain it.
i am always thinking about your hands
your nails on my broken flesh,
your fingers in between mine,
i wonder about your life line, your heart line --
how many kids will you have? how many past lives have you lived?
i bet you have a writer's fork.
i can't explain it.
you are a mystery to me
and i've been trying so hard to make sense of this
to make sense of you
*i can't explain it.

i got this crazy kind of head case where i swear on my life, my head is spinning round and round the room like some kind of never ending rollercoaster. i’ve been straightedge since august and i’ve been taking my pills regularly since july but it feels like i took a hand full of oxy and downed the ***** that my mom left in cupboard, left over from the cottage (jello shooters, appletini, orange juice), enough to get me and my friends drunk and i know for anyone else this would be a tease to get lively and drink with friends but for me this is a tease to end my life once and for all and it’s been pondering around my mind since we got back but darling don’t be narcissistic this isn’t because of you and i, no, it’s just about you and the way you felt the need to rub your near ninety in math or your eighty five in french and how your worst grade was a low seventy eight and i start to wonder if you realize how some people would **** for those grades. it took me almost six years to realize that the reasons my grades were so low weren’t because i was stupid because no one’s really stupid. it wasn’t about missing cells in my brains or bad memories, it was about scars on my wrists and never ending thoughts about the afterlife, pondering about whether there was a heaven and a hell and if i would make it or not. wondering if anyone would stop me if i cut up the razor my mom bought me for christmas and used it to tear through veins (frail and lonely) wondering if i were ever going to make it past your low low seventy eight in any given class or maybe i was just stupid (can’t count the scars from feeling dumb on one hand any longer) and maybe the reason i don’t like you anymore is because you did this to me and you don’t even know it but darling don’t be narcissistic this isn’t because of you and i, no, it’s about the way you make me feel like i should hang my head in shame for being me because you acted like you were embarrassed to hang out with me that one day in the cafeteria and the image of you covering your face and walking away as ifyou didn’t know me will forever be etched into my eyelids, i got quiet for six weeks and started becoming another person because i said i needed change. but change won’t pay my way to university or give me the confidence i need, it’s much more than that. chane will let me fake a smile for a while but on the inside, i’ll still be the same (loud and bright) even if on the outside i’ve become a copy of everything i’ve never wanted to be (lonely and shy), claiming, “it’s all right, social situations just make me feel uncomfortable.” even thought they don’t and i know you can feel it, the way i want to walk up onto that stage and let everyone see who i am (different, me, not you) but i know you won’t let me and darling don’t be narcissistic this isn’t because of you and i, no, it’s about the way you make me feel like i should be alone and i don’t deserve to have anyone like the way you left me to hang out with someone else and i slumped against the wall next to the main office and stared at my hands and wished i had someone else to have lunch with but i didn’t so i sighed to myself and put my earphones in (no i don’t have a gun) and stared at the clock on my phone until lunch ended (from 80% to 30%) and afterwards i ignored you for letting me suffer for an hour (my heart raced every time any one walked by in fear that they would know i was alone and laugh at me) but you never knew why and i never told you because i feared you would be upset if i did and you would end the friendship and i would truly have no one but truth be told i never had anyone to begin with — you were never really my friend you were never really anything (well, you were) but i was never really anything to you which makes is that much easier for this to happen and darling don’t be narcissistic this isn’t about you and i, no, it’s about me and the way i let you crawl under my skinand take me over like some kindof parasite that makes doctors scratch their heads and run unnecessary tests (eeg, cat scan, x-ray) while i lay on the hospital bed letting myself die but not allowing myself to tell them why in fear of being locked up for being insane (please, in this society?) they can see my pain is real but they can’t see why so they send me back home and i’m never alone, not with you whispering how worthless i am in my ear (i wish i were as crazy as i felt) your whispers turns into screams as soon as i take my seat in math class andi’m so focused on your screams that i’m staring blankly at the test on my desk like i have no idea it’s there and i’m so confused (why doesn’t anyone else hear you) (how are people writing so furiously) but darling don’t be narcissistic, this isn’t your voice, it’s mine and they take me out before math class is over and drop me off at the hospital and this time it really isn’t about you because they’re diagnosing me with schizophrenia and keeping me in the hospital (so i don’t hurt myself or anyone around me) and when you come to visit me you drop of flowers and i start screaming and they kick you out (they tell you not to return) and for the first time in my life i feel okay

DONT TELL ME IT WASNT REAL
JUST PLEASE KEEP ME SANE
AND TELL ME IT WAS REAL
TELL ME I DIDNT IMAGINE IT ALL
AND THAT HAND IN MINE WAS YOURS
KID ME INTO BELIEVING YOU FELT IT TOO
AND YOU FELT THE EMPTINESS IN YOUR HEART WHEN I LEFT
(WHETHER IT WAS GOOD OR BAD)
SAY THAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME SOMETIMES
AND THAT NIGHT IN JANUARY WHERE IT ALL STARTED TO GO WRONG
PROMISE ME YOU DIDNT FORGET ME
AND SOMETIMES THINGS STILL REMIND YOU OF ME

YOU DONT NEED TO SAY YOU LOVED ME
JUST THAT YOU NEEDED ME AT SOME POINT IN TIME
(THE TIMING DOESNT MATTER
ALL I NEED TO KNOW IS THAT YOUR WORDS WERE REAL
WITH REAL MEANING BEHIND THEM
SO I CAN STOP
QUESTIONING MY SANITY)