i can still feel it you know
it doesn't go away
i don't think it ever really will
i loved you
i really did

i turned eighteen today
the voice in my head had, something to say
“you’ve done so well, 132”
she told me “no one will recognize you”
that was before i lost all self control
looking around i see the ice cream bowl
now all i can do is eat
and eat

took a look in the mirror today
looked into those deep sunken grey eyes
i wished i could apologize
grazed my finger across my skin
across the scars
i want to apologize
talked to my mom
heard the pain in her voice
if only i could apologize
saw you across the hall
remembered the burden i was  
i need to apologize
i should have apologized
now it’s too late

⚠Trigger Warning; the following poem contains subject matter pertaining to self-harm ⚠

~

One afternoon
in the tenth grade,
I am sent home from school for
cutting myself.

When I walk through the front door,
I crouch down to pet my dog.
She burrows her nose
against my thighs,
sniffs at them
in gentle bursts of air.

I know she can smell the blood
that has so
stubbornly
fused my nylons
to the lacerations on my flesh.

She stares up at me
with her spacious brown eyes.

In this moment,
she is the only one
who comprehends my sadness
without judgment--

there is only
love.

here i am again
what happened
i’m running that blade against my skin
waiting to be paper thin
i’ve lost myself
i need help
but no one can
drinking the nights away
sleeping the days
who am i now
i’m not the girl i know
i need help
pushing everyone aside
i’ve done it to myself  
but i still ask
who will help me now because
i need help

This is just a confession
no metaphors
no hidden meanings
just a confession
i was in the 8th grade
i was at a very low low
but not my lowest
i failed my math test that day
i was wearing blue-ish green skinny jeans
and my black jacket like always
but in that jacket i hid my "just in case"
and that day I needed my just in case
I went into the bathroom
I took out that blade
I cut the deepest I have cut on my thigh
than I needed a label
a label for my idiocy
I carved "idiot" on my thigh
I like it
I want more...