No one told me sadness felt like this
I cannot help but wonder if they did not know

This is why I feel so alone

You told me once
Of when you prayed for bread
Acid rain came down that day
I then learned of reality

If I go into the woods tonight
Will I smell another mans smoke
Or am I so greatly delusioned
To truly believe I am alone

These monsters come and go
My chest a revolving door
A heart hotel
A coffin of nightmares

Angels speak, I do not listen
Prayers quiver in the morning air
I am not there
Not patient enough to wait

Scars on my back spread
Along my limbs
Vines growing on a brick wall
Neither of us will ever find heaven

I never shut up about the moon
She's always there
How I do love her company
When I'm making myself out to be lonely

Is it wrong to assume
Stars are another worlds
Parking lot lights
I don't have all the answers

I find no humor
In the irony of doing what's right
As we go along
I find I was betraying my future

When will I learn
Trying to love this way
Is like trying to dance
With a broken leg

Even after I pass
I will not of told
All the stories in me
They are in bones

I call you foolish mortals
Take it as praise
I will not even name my self
There is great folly in wisdom

If only happiness
Was as aggressive
As the pain
I hold space for

Bury me shallow
In the autumn floor
I hold myself no greater
That the earth

I cry out under the heavens
The veil is thinning
How do you deny
The pulse of the spirit world

Know me now
But not my name
She is the secret whisper
In the thickest of your veins

Maybe once we would have lived
Thriving on the chaos
Hand fed to us by the universe
We were foolish then

Someday wisdom will come to us
We will not know her face
Fair chance she is already among us
Thinly veiled

Do you remember
The first time you smoked
The way it stopped in your throat
How it brought your stomach up

Know when I think of you
It is the same for me
You are a bitter tar taste
I light you up again

Only to spit you out
You coat my tongue
The inside of my cheeks
With your black smoke veil

I asked for depth
You delivered
I cannot back out now
There is no where but up

Those in the dark
Beg for light
Those in the shadow
Wish to stay hidden

I am the ***** sinner
In the bathroom
Trying to scrub myself clean
Of smoke and saints

I was warned
The path of the traveler
For those with thick soles and thicker skin
Thick souls and thinner whims

I set out like a dead man on a quest
Like a fool
With my best foot forward
Not knowing which was is South

You prayed me greener pastures
I just prayed for you
Here we are
Hollow promises, hearty prayers

We ache for what we had
Knowing fruit in the sun
To quickly turns bad
Sour sugar in the soil

my women's logic is about as keen as;
grass that hasn't been mowed in months
and my brain is about as sharp as;
the knife used on the stone table

Damm you were bright
But the moon is my lover

Sun of my life
I love like no other

My star in the sky
None can eclipse

The kiss of the night
By day, she I miss

Wonder of the world
She lives while you rest

Daughter of the night
The reaper of the blest

I forget how not to be broken
The sun can't shine on my face
Because I am having staring contest
With the concrete I walk upon

I wear dark colors that reflect
The moody person underneath
So much makeup to cover up
The real stuff I don't want to show you

I don't want to be vulnerable
Just wanting to be safe
And alone with someone who
Actually knows how to care

Sick of all the tears
And the scars on flesh
Also on my broken bleeding
Heart, forget it

Forget how to feel
This pain is to much to bear
I guess this is my lot
It *****, but it is all I've got

Maybe one of us writes greater than the other
Yet we feel no deeper
We are all just at the bottom
Scrambling for the words to fill the cracks in ourselves
Telling the others
That's how the light gets in

We wait impatiently
For the moment
And when it comes
We will own it

When we can reach
Beyond the edge
To the dreams
On the other ledge

To feel the air
On our own
But beside the other
So we aren't alone

A preparation
Given enough time
But never just
To stand in line

To dance
The whole way there
To always know
But not quite care

We scavenge
These empty streets
But among
All the people we meet

We only find
Desperate friends
Who find a way
To seek an end

This journey begun
With hope in hand
To bring ourselves
To a promise land

A roof over our heads
A floor to sweep
Many gentle memories
To make and keep

Two eyes
And then four
Some time
And then more

Every step to start a
Another journeying
Every lesson
We are learning

I wouldn't want to
Do it alone
That's why I have you
My solid stone

A rock of guidance
And wisdom sweet
To show me where
To place my feet

Every word
From your mouth
Every picture
On a shelf

Hung and spoken
With so much care
If I look behind me
I see you there

Watching, with a smile
To see me grow
That look in your eyes
I already know

The memories
We shall weave
And my heart
You shall never leave

As fall rains
In gentle leaves
And it kisses
With a gentle breeze

We embark
On a new path
A home to make
A way to last

You were the kind to look through the pockets of the dead for loose change
So it was no surprise to me when I felt your hands on my body even as it was still warm

the only part of beauty that the world understands
is the kind they can destroy with their hands
the only kind of pretty that they know
is the kind that they choose to let go

I wonder sometimes
If its enough for you
The memories me
Do you even think of me anymore?
Or did your mind close,
When you shut the door?
Did you want more?

-memories
-kisses
-moments
-time

I constantly crave
The golden glow
From your eyes
When I kissed you
I will always want more
To lighten my own soul

To tell me its okay
To tell me to let go
To tell me you care
To tell me you love me

Would be a sweet torture
No matter how
I will need you
And I will never back down

I am beautiful.

Words I cant say.

I am pretty.

That lie just fades away.

Just the way I am.

Something I cant bear to understand.

I love you.

Just stop the lies.

I will always be here.

You said as you walked away.

I will stay.

You said from so far away.

You are my only one.

Was that a group message?

I care about you.

Stop bullshitting me.

Your scars are beautiful.

Says the one who inflicts them.

My Only Valentines.

What about the 364 other girls?

Just you and me all the way.

The why is this wall in between.

I only have eyes for you.

Well. I can see you to.

Goodbye

Goodbye

^ Atleast we agree on something

If my body is a temple
As those who worship
The god of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob profess
Then there is blood on the walls
If it is a temple
Who is it devoted to
Who will be the sacrificial lamb

I cannot be both temple and offering

I have lived things in my life
That are torture
For body, mind, and soul

I am off center today
Drifting from the middle
I wonder
What is wrong

Perhaps, more adequately
What was wrong
Is taking space in today

I am not a gentle healer
I am rage
I am anger against this fragile body
I am impatient
Against all the time it has taken
I have cursed my tongue
With my own words
For every time she was silent
Broken my skin against my bones
For when she was not strong enough

I am god-awful ugly
In-between all my attractions
That is the part I see
Seeping in-between the cracks

It is no matter
I am just matter
Does anything matter
Or is simply that thought taboo

Sigmund Freud
Maladaptive
Daydreaming
Escape
Bare Feet
No
No.
No!
Why
Why

If I tried to make myself make sense to you, I would tell you that I am emotionally abandoned

Part of me was left on the side of the interstate traveling from Okay to Not Okay and is wandering around in a corn field

Maybe she will find a ride home, but some things while they are sought for no matter how much the chance of probability are still lost

Yet her grave is not yet dug

It's late, anything goes
You forget I'm human
Could have guessed I'd bleed red
You checked all the same
Where I met God
Was not where he left me
Deception you spoke
That torment was my stint
It was not always this way
Better is a hope, not a promise
Somehow put together perfectly
The ground is cold
Nails scratch against tombstones
The sun climbs into morning
On steps of moonlight
We will bury this night with shovels of dirt
Enough has been said while the moon is full
To be silent today
Enough has been said for tomorrow
To be silent today
Not caring where I go
Take me far
From all you know
From all that forced its memory upon you
My memories are laced into many people
Threads that do not know undoing
They wind themselves around your fingers
We clutch at hope
In hope it will clutch back

you said, we are running out of time
makes me wonder
if we ever had any at all

More than surface deep
More then dreams and sleep

You made me think it was okay to keep going
Even if it didn't get  better
Even if I didn't do better
That somehow my something was enough
It was because you gave your all
Even though you thought it was so little
That I wanted to give everything
So that we could give so much together
Like oxen pulling at a yoke

And maybe that is not much to you
Or even to anyone else
But it was hope to me
And it has changed everything

In a way
You taught me how to love
To be kind
Because you showed me kindness
When I found myself less than deserving
God bless you for such my friend

Sitting by the circle of fire
Alone with coals
Ghosts will come soon
To welcome ghouls

You told me to talk to you
I am distant even from myself
Do you know how long it would take to get there
And then go all the way back to you

Your mother she held you so tight before
Now all that clings to you is funeral shrouds
Let the bells toll
Let the choir sing
The angels are coming to awaken the dead
Your mother she stands at the foot of your bed
Death the sweet taste, kissing your lips
It will linger into the cold of the ground
As they lay your body all the way down
Six feet dug, for just one soul
The bells ring out, a final toll

What more could I add to our memories that the desire for them always to continue?

I want to feel good again, young
Summer skin
Clean linens
Hot dripping honey
I want to feel
Like I did with you
When we were children
In the garden
Green on the vine
Glass eyes to a blue sky
Not a cloud in sight

I placed you like a star in my soul-sky,
            and yet when you are of the earth,
                  you hold no place in my heavens

Maybe feelings, are not meant to linger
Even as the sweetness is faded from your tongue, does it not warm your heart still?

Here I am
With my head between my hands
Trying to love you with the wrong blood type

I was hungry!
You were starving

Neither of us would slice up our stubbornness to feed the wolves in our minds
For fear
For fright
Of bleeding fingers
Doing anything to avoid our hands being shaken with teeth
They hurt
But drip little more
Than the ichor of the gods in the sky

Through the realms we go, to hell
Places that do not kiss and tell
Secret river, in hades realm
Bough to stern, a rocking helm
Deeper to a buring core
The fire of life burning ore
Specter, spirit, who can know
The darker way we go

I do not know
If the waves love or hate the shore
I can only perceive
Have you dived
Into your own depths
What did you find
In the murky waters
Or did you back away
From the shadows
Of your own darkness
To look inward
Is to have open eyes

When you ask me
How I like it better
How can I tell you
You'll never be perfect
I'll love you
Through your changing of seasons

You, who I once found comforting
Now curate such opposite energy
What are you holding
Not in your empty hands
But inside
Where my stomach would be churning
If I spoke the way you spoke

"Do want the truth or can I lie?"

"You need my permission?"

"Yes,"** *"That's how messed up I am."

You think these words are sad
I say they are filled with hope
Read between the lines
Finding the lost love
An etch-e-sketch of memories
You say it hurts to hear you cry
I say its just how I get bye
A preparation of a new dawn
How cant you see this is a song
You say I am broken hearted
On this we can agree
But its my heart so leave it to me
I do not walk alone
Though you try to see my path
I tell you in vain
That you must journey back
Turn around and trace your steps
Before the markings fade
I know this trail
It leads to peace
But turn around please
I must walk without you
A journey of a heart
You say I will die on my own
I say is okay I was never alone
I have my God and my soul
And that's enough to keep me whole
We all feel something to an extreme
Some more numb that others
Or at least that's what we make
The world believe
A hollow shell
Grass in the wind
Blown away to the edge
A simple step to the ledge
I cant see the bottom
Oh what a long drop
If I fell
Would I be able to stop
You say don't let go of my hand
But that's the only way you will understand
Letting go is part of life
But how you chose to do it
Will withhold your sleep tonight

i stay
because
i fear
if i leave
for just a moment
this will all
just disappear
if it is gone
then that is the end

Oblivion calls my name
The unknown I will break upon
I answer in whispers
Riddled with moonlight
To know you
Is to feel the sun on my face
I miss the summer
I long for the love she bore

I’m too good for this
I was soft with you
My mistake

I don’t want to be here
To feel this

I don’t want
I only have, to lose
And so I give and I gave
Break myself into little pieces
To fill as much space as possible
In every place I’ve ever been

I was still dripping my ichor into the only ancient I had found as old as myself
Life seeps through the cracks in my skull, it seems the hum of my prayers has found you with its melodies in the dark
What would you taste that my words could not satisfy
What touch would bring you peace
That the eons in my mind have not already lain you to sleep and tucked you in
What is the edge, when this wanderer has only known falling, grasping for the stars all the way down
It seems to even the foolish that this love be undying in its shallows
As you swim from shore to shoal, that depths would make themselves known to you
With the ache of the earth and all her tears to comfort you
Oh skyline where you meet earth I will find you
This sacrifice has bought us sweet hours on the back of your silence
Coaxing fire from your lungs when I have been so calm
As your storm struggles to find its footing
These are the prints in the sand, these are the whispers for the wind
I will sing them to you, oh keeper of days still behind the lock

If you don't ever hold on
You won't ever have to let go
Somethings happen
Before you even know