There are moments that I cling to
With a clenched fist in the back of my head
Sometimes, in agony, my hands pound against the back of my skull
It is a resounding cry, though it changes naught
Only leaving little cracks to match the ones in my heart

And like these memories there are things, tangible things, that I touch with my own to hands
These things have been given to me by life and lovers alike
And just as I keep my memories locked in the back of my mind
These things I keep tucked away

These pieces are the left behinds of those passing through
I keep them in a box
Like a memory bank for the past

It is a box of scars that holds together what was my souls bleeding, faded but not forgotten

And as you left me as I am
With pieces of fabric in my hands
This thought traces my mind
And as I put you away I cannot help but think that you are just
Another one for the box
When I wanted everything with you and everything for you
Maybe even happiness
Maybe more
Just another one for the box

I melt down your body like wax
It is a painful descent
And a slippery *****
I made the mistake
Of crawling inside your head
I can never look you in the eyes again
For when I was behind your sockets
Sweat marathoning down my temples
I saw things no man should see
It was beyond me
And now this evil
It is a part of me

What have I become

please

Please help me.

To see is to know
Though believing is another thing
And that changes naught
And I have seen
Oh I have seen
More than my eyes were meant for
Is this why I am cast away?
Is this why I'm a castaway?

I have lost all composure
And my solutions worth as much as the pennies in my pockets

Still I melt
And my wick grows shorter
As does my stamina
I am a wretch
And still it would be a mercy
To pull my eyes out through my skull
And let them rot in the sunlight
Even this is better than the dragons
Reigning fire in my mind

The earth
She would swallow me whole
Oh that she would eat me up in a moment
Rid me of this meandering
Take me from this hell
Still I wander
Though I lack perception
Still I tread on
Blind, foolish one that I am

Who are you to walk away?
Who am I to ask you to stay.
Who are we to care at all?
Simply fools, fighting over who will pay the check, you paid in love.

She who waits the tables , will mourn the check that bounces.

And I, will mourn my loss of you.

I wasn't sure if:

A. My heart was broken

Or

B. My bra was stabbing me in the heart

Don't just say sorry
And ignoring me isn't better
Just open your troubled heart
And write me a letter

Won't you open
You muttering mouth
Just say the words
It's okay to get them out

I want to hear
Every single thought
Inside of your mind
We won't get caught

Inside your eyes
I see the stars and the dark
But you just think
The night falls apart

We don't fall or trip
We get dragged to the edge
And as we jump beyond
We kiss the ledge

Never what I expect
Less than my dreams
I don't want a nightmare
But an in between

Just because you are nice
Doesn't mean no trouble
And if you give me one
I'll make it double

It isn't over if we fight
Words aren't the end
It's only over if
You walk away my friend

We are all alone
I'm not at your side
But that doesn't mean
You have to hide

I said I am sorry
That doesn't make it right
But don't you dare
Leave me alone in the night

Someone always dies
On the inside of their eyes
And so they kiss
Their way through the lies

Truth is better than before
A sweeter taste on my lips
But as you touch
The curve of my hips

I spurn your questions
As the giggles burst
Unbidden from my lips
Night are the worst

Let me go I scream
But my heart yearns
For you to hold me close
Swim through my tears

You drive me crazy
In the sweetest way
But I want this to be
A sane and happy day

Everything at once
All the time
Never ever make the choice
To stand in line

Faces in between two hearts
Sometimes it's the faces
That tear us apart
Or maybe the places

I don't really know
I don't really care
Because in the end
The beginnings aren't there

Less that the sky
More than the earth
Sometimes I crawl
Inside my hearth

To feel the warmth
And let it burn
And when it's time
It will be your turn

I handed you my smile
And you loved it then
But now I see
That was all pretend

I am cruel in nature
Your eyes bitter sweet
But I am not a dog
And you my treat

I will beg
Roll over and die
To get the life
Inside your eye

Just break the silence
Chopped in half
Over so soon
I thought it would last

My words are nothing
In your head
Because you don't listen
To what is said

I would rid my world
Of all the support
If you could help me
Bury all my hurt

Dress me in silk
And dowse the fire
Before I catch
And burn any higher

One finger to you lips
And I will still
But you must know
I don't bend to your will

Sometimes before its over
The heat will consume
Every breath
Inside of this room

To fill your lungs
With my own air
And know this world
Is just not fair

Like smoke we dance
At the last midnight
We run to the woods
And hide from the light

I wait in the silence
You so quickly created
I said I am sorry
And my breath is bated

I hide my eyes
Underneath my cloak
But this rope constricts
As if to choke

Just enough left
To fight this battle
I will keep your secrets
As you start to tattle

A lesson given
A lesson learnt
But all my scars
Are done and burnt

Enough to know
You think of me in torment
Even though I thought
You were my god sent

The worst dreams
I ever had
I get them all
From your Dad

He fills my terrors
With evil lies
And my tears
Fill these eyes

I would run to the sky
To find a place
Where no one
Knew my face

Goodbye I kiss
And goodbye I mourn
But each goodbye
Is a Hello in turn

The inner workings of my mind have become lazy in their toil against the opposition
I am feeble minded and the legs of my stamina crumble
I am bent out of shape
I wish to hide, but I must seek
Yet I stumble about like a fool in the dessert
My oasis is dried up when my heart cries for a river to pour forth
Swallow me up in the night
I will surrender my self
As an angel of the night
Claim me as you do your own creation
Whisper to me where rest may be found
I seek peace above all else
Even as my heart thrums with the aching of the universe
I am so little to feel so much

An elder tongue once told me, you are my delight
The island knew, for the earth never forgets
My own tongue found herself ******* in knots
Will I find these shores again
The isle of the blest
A cathedral for souls, still fighting without breath
The ale will speak, through the mouth of a drunken fool
You wait, on deity foresaken shores, for a mist that will never rise
The sand knows more than you, yet the salt water draws it out beyond hearing
The monsters in the loch sing prayers so ancient your tongue would tremble at the rasp of their words
Will you take your chances with a ******* son of the gods
Singing a gaelic hymn for the nords
Is your thirst quenched by hel fire in the fjords
The old country knows you, to her you shall return
To look in her eyes, inlet of wisdom
Her emerald secrets stare back at you
The cairns of the kelts are sturdy still
Will the faeries bless you
It is a fool's blessing too
Feather your tongue, so your words find flight
This is irish magic, kept in the stars at night

I painted over my chipped nail polish
And dreamed away my fears
I stopped breathing in toxic waste
And wiped away my tears

Gentle hands and tarnished rings
A key in your pocket
To open a song that sings
A heart on my throat, a locket

A dream in a day
A jellyfish in the sea
A sky with a elephant
Would you dance with me?

Could you swim to my shore
Would you find my Island
Your not Johnny Depp
But you broke my silence

Open my heart
Unfolded my wings
Taught me to fly
And shared many things

A night with a meal
A tower of gold
A person who loves
Like a deadly cold

It is catchy it's infectious
And you will never be better
Trapped like a prisoner
Within a heart shaped fetter

But you have the key
So set yourself free

Swim away and sing on
I'm not going, I'm gone

If, the daughters of our past selves
Could see us now
They would be in awe
Of our beauty
They know the battle is before them
They know they can win it

You hold all the magic of the universe in your hand
You tell me the answers to things I could never understand
But I don't need all the answers to things I will never know
I just need to hold your hand and let those things go

You have the stars spelling out my name
But its just you I want I don't need the fame
I cant see the future I don't know what will come
But I will always trust you cause you rise like the sun

Your life is different and your face keeps changing
But I can always trust you and the fire you keep blazing
The magic you control is stronger than my hope
But my love keeps you captive stronger than rope

Your magic is it closer to your heart than me
Your magic does it keep you captive even though you say it sets you free
See may not being believing
But my eyes are so deceiving

My mask is melting from the heat
My tongue is salty no longer sweet
My mouth is dry and lips are parched
From the long dusty roads I marched

To get to and oasis in the middle of a dessert
To let your magic get rid of the hurt
Is this just a sport to you is it all a game
I just want to see you now without all your pain

Cover your mouth when you sneeze
Hold your breath and forget how to breath

You told me you were an abandoned building
Left rotting in the sun
Elements creeping in
On your walls and foundation
Tearing down your roof and structure
I am not so
Come with me
I will show you myself

In the skeleton of my head
Ceramic figures sit
Silent, sentient
On cobweb shelves
Pictures of you hang on the walls
Nailed into a flesh colored wallpaper
*****, coffee stained carpeting
Leading from the attic of my mind
Down the back of my skull
Vertebrae circular staircases
Winding down and around
Through floors and floors
Of keratin wainscoting
Dusty shelves overcrowded with books and trinkets
Plastic dinosaurs and matchbox cars
A room full of doll houses
Plastic mommies and daddies
Driving four seater lithium battery powered doll cars
Cooking over two burner stoves with imitation heat
Playing pretend, I know this game best

Rooms with filing cabinets stacked up to the ceiling
When you pull out the drawers
Files and paperwork going back and back and back
Blue crayon bills of sale
Newspapers and emails color coded for different emotional reactions
Red folders with locks, chains, and warning signs
CAUTION FLAMABLE

Rooms empty of windows
***** of string for dust bunny cats
Baby teeth still tethered to the end
Strung between doorknobs and skeletons
The last flight of stairs
Leads straight down to a flooded basement
Salt water filling up cracks in the concrete
Bulkhead door latched shut
A femur stuck between the handles
You'd have to break a bone to escape

You follow your nose down passages
With markings saying 'connect here'
Finding comfort
In the smell of sage burning in between hip bones
Incense rising through chimney stacked ribs
Puffing out through a nasal passage

A few levels above
Curtains and blinds piled on top of each other
Trying to block out light
Pouring in through two blue tinted windows
Hollowed out, stained glass eyes

Mute little birds fly around in a tiny menagerie
Tiny parchment paper scrolls attached to their ankles
House arrest thoughts
Sometimes little rivers over flow
Down a façade of brick walls into little wells
To dry to hold wishes

In the right wing
Traveling down the arm
Little passage ways with doors
Swinging open and shut
Little electric trains blowing stops and whistles
Running around and around
Five little engines
Puffing out coal and smoke
Until they hole themselves up
In tunnels at night

In the left wing
Plates and dishes smashed on the floor
Ceramic shards rearrange themselves
Into mosaics and pictographs
Sliding around on metal tiles
Until they grind themselves into a fine powder
Slipping though the floor
Little skin cells flaking off the siding

Dry scratching noises echo through the tunnel
Back to the skull
At the very crown of the building
Rope makers work tirelessly every day
Stitching brown threads into the ceiling
Packing insulation tight in perfect rows
Until the rain comes in and washes them out
Trying to weatherproof roofing shingles
That act as if they are no thicker than coffee filters

Sometimes the power surges to quickly
Everything goes dark
Batteries overheat
Unable to remember which switch to flip
Which circuit breaker to fix
Which wires to cut, splice, and fuse the ends
Where to put the band-aids so they will stick
Until they get wet
A four battery chamber transformer
Inducting molecules, protons, electrons
Gassing up to restart
Not knowing which end goes to which side
How to get the cover back on
So I don't electrocute myself
Fry the circuits, start a fire

I end up
Sitting in the dark, alarm blaring
Emergency sprinkler system going off
Making puddles of tears
To drown out my fears
All wired up
Overloading and burning out
Turn the wind turbines on
Let them dry up the mess
Blowing fresh air through stale lung chambers

The ache in my stomach refuses to part with me
Empty shelves in the pantry
Don't cry over spilled milk
Tear up, when there is none to spill
Empty glass jars sitting in boiling water
All jammed up
Refusing to cook
Because one time
The gas was, accidentally
Left running, on the burner
Fear is a smell I would prefer die without tasting
A tasteless life no sweeter

I close the doors.
Oaken ribcage of my halls swing shut.
Hinges creaking under the strain
I remember why
I don't let anyone in
It's to cold in here for me
To quiet for them
Hating how I feel
When left lonely
Without a friend
If the dark is all I now how can I fear it
I am not near it
Becoming what I always knew I was
Not a single cut above, or below
Not a mark uncounted
I am the one who makes flowers grow
On the inside of the earth
Down below
Down I go
To dance after death

Why have you given me this heart
Still it beats
Yet I do not know the rhythm

You say it is a gift
So I cannot
Just pass it on to the next

I hold it between my hands
For it does not fit
Inside of my ribbed cage

My chest rejects in earnest
Such a thing as this
That it would sway my mind

For such a small one
The weight is heavy
I cannot hold it for long

I grow weak
In the strength of my arms
For I have no stamina

For what will drive me
What will push
Me to love, with just a mind

And yet I cannot help
But wonder
If this is why I do not love myself

For a heart is a thing
That must be contained
So the mind can be free

And if it is cold
And simply lies adjacent
So the rest if it's body

It will never do what
It was intended for
Just as you do with yours

**** these words, in my head
**** these wounds, how they bled
A cord that tightens
And strings that break
I'm a paper town
Thin, fragile, and frail

**** this fight, I cannot win
**** these demons, that laugh within
A butterfly bereft of its wings
And a discarded cocoon
I'm a shell
That broke to soon

**** these sleeves, that hide
**** my head, logic tried
A sliver of sanity
And a drop of hope
I'm clinging to it
Like a rope

**** these games, we play with words
**** this heart, that's never heard
A night I'll never have
And stars I'll never see
I'm blind and alone
Come look with me

I close my eyes
The devils choir is humming
They will drown out
The swell of the storm
Tune out
The crash of the oceans
Clear through it all
I hear your voice

Ask me
Where I was before
I do not remember
Do not ask me
What I am afraid of
I do not know
The fear will not tell me
All I know is she is the hunter
And I the prey
And I do pray
But God is not in heaven
He does not hear me

I have so much stuff
On my mind
So many words
Out of her mouth
And this heart is heavy
Like a mountain
Hanging over the moon
Every breath and gentle whisper
Crushed in his hand
And as I come
To the feet of Jesus
I surrender, my family
To you.
Whatever the end
No matter the cost
I will pay, because you paid
And you pour
A steady stream, of life
Into me, over my life
Immeasurable blessings
Flow from you
And your Spirit fills me
I am drawn
Into your glory
Filled, with your purpose
Direction from your word
Carries me, into battle
And away from the lies
To rest in your grace
Is to know love
Unconditional.

There once was a body of water that ran
All among the mountains and up to a ****
A clean clear river of simple pleasure
But it was worth more than all your treasure
But darkness fell to that land
And the I had no water to hold in my hand
The people cried "Oh, rain gods come and fill our stream"
But all in haste they decided we must sacrifice our Queen
Soul for soul and blood for water
Just one life to slaughter
But love of her people and her kin
Could not stop her from shaking within
A long trek to highest peak
And there they saw the remains of their creek
But a trickle of dew in the mud
And soon it would be mixed with sacrificial blood
On the alter the lady was lain
But all their hopes were killed in vain
The knife was raised and dropped like a stone
And on that day no sun shone
Her tears crept down in silent pools
To give life to these poor fools
And as you watch and as they wait
The tears of love and tears of fate
The rain racing to the bank
And the people fell and began to thank

A fallen bridge over troubled waters
Simple nights with death's daughters
A drowned out cry for light
But it vanished into the nights
****** hands and stained towels
Empty woods and dark hallows
A candle flame put out by ghosts
Evil words raised like a toast
A dreadful plea for the end
But who knows what the day will send

Do you really understand my words
What can I say that is not twisted truth

The flowers spurt forth from the ground
But they do not burst into bloom in one day

They will grow slowly and then before my eyes
The colors they will spread and create a lovely head

The leaves that float are dying now
The gracefully fall from bows above

Blown by God's breath so sweet and soft
Carrying promises high and aloft

We wait on your timing oh clock of the world
We wait for your voice we want to hear your word

I am small like a grain of sand
I cannot stand without your hand

I fall and am embraced by cold dark earth
Huddled in a silent berth

Still as I speak
She tears apart herself from within
Using her own hands
She prys apart all that she is
And in her mind
Such a battle is this

Make them cry.
Make then scream.
Let them produce a bucket of tears to add to the ocean that is her own.

Crazy.
Yes.
A mind that has to long wandered afar, aloof and alone; and been pushed through many things that should not be endured.

All at once she crumbles
And who cares for such a thing as rocks and ruin when they no longer are walls.
None.

So such is this, that she would die, to herself. For fear runs her over and she regresses into all that she has fought so long to be free from.

I have endured enough
For every battle I fight taxes me and I am spent
My pockets are empty and my mind much to full
So I relinquish to the night all that I am.

I press both my hands
Against your chest
Pushing you away

I begged for you to stay
I want nothing more

But

I will not part my lips
To ask

If you loved me you would
If you loved

every step i take with you
though set at my normal pace
it seems the seconds are set
at thrice the speed of normal time

and i spill words out of my mouth
they trickle across our hands
out across the tar of the road
and into each others quiet souls

you are my companion
my friend and butterfly confidant
we have walked years at each others sides
though never in the other's shoes

you have read into the depths of my soul
and you did not run as soon as you saw scars
i have seen into the darkness of your eyes
and still i see the light, it is radiant

and such is this that God would give us
the one that we would need
so that we never have to walk alone
oh my beautiful friend

i think if you shouted my name
no matter how great a distance
was separating you and i, my friend
i would hear it in my heart

you call out to all i am
for you know that i am made of such
the fallen bits of stars, dreams almost empty
and the sparks of a soul still burning

and i know you were wrought
out of every speck of untarnished sunlight
and all of the sunsets born into sunrises
only to be that which the world does not know

because you transcend all that brings you pain
you are greater than the height of the waves
seeking to pull you under in the storm
still i reach my hand to you, my friend

though words could fall me
and all the love catch in my throat
it is not bound to my chest
and i pout it out for such a time is this

that you would need me
for i have always needed you
because i think to fight alone is to lose
and to lose you i could not bare

and such a time is this
that we would strengthen each other
in the light of the candles so dim
in a world ruled by others wish and whim

and though the world deceive you
cast you out upon its streets
know that i believe you
you are all good things to me

even if you cannot see them
does not mean they are there
for you look out upon the ocean
but much is below the waves

we walk together still
through valley and over mountain
i turn back to see our steps
but their are to many, i cannot count them

Oh that you were made of light
But I still crave for you in this darkness
To sleep with all that I can never be
For I am never enough on my own
To understand how to live
In a world as dark as my own
For the sun will be a long time in its rising
So the stars still cling to the sky
The moon she is full, and pours out tears of ice
Into the heavens to crown the earth

I am just this darkness
As you cannot see
I am all you never want to be

I am a good friend
To wreath your secrets in my shadows
And I cling to your broken pieces
Even as they split into my skin
Splinters of heaven, they find their way
Racing through watered down veins
To find a dark dark heart
With the quietest of mouths
And the most unconventional of minds
In the strangest of places
For shadows are not something you can seek
And life is not something that one can keep

I would love, for once
To go gentle
Into the night

The shadows are the same size
Your eyes have just become more adept

I ran my tongue along the scar inside my cheek
Like fingers on melancholy piano keys
Can you play in the dark

I made promises
Gave up swallowing razor blades
There is enough already
That will find it's way to cut me

These minty memories burn the back of my throat.

It's been three years
And nothing had changed
I still love you
Stupid girl that I am
**** it

Love doesn't hurt
Love doesn't hit

Then why did you tell me it did
I chose to believe
And you chose to leave

I am left alone stranded in a tree
With no one here to comfort me

I knew nothing about this would be easy