Days pass like winter winds,
But memories of ****** sins
Of prisoners mine forever live
So long as I shan’t forgive.

IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

Atop a bench of elm,
The throne that rules this realm,
I, judge and jury, tread
The path of justice dead.

IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

A soul, grieved and daunted,
By malediction haunted,
Shall drop before me, praying,
Whilst I lean in, saying,

IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

“He is not I. Silence
Your foolish pleas of guidance.”
“I beg!” he shall say, “Save me!”
“Nay,” I shall say, “no mercy.”

IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

His penance I shall write,
And with eyes blank as night,
The soul will gaze, pleading,
With eyes he shan’t be needing.

IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

Their prison is not a cell
So solace cannot dwell;
Their fate: a wall of stone
Where they shall hang alone.

IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

I shall place his wrists in chains
Though I have not the reins
To latch his iron locks:
He bound himself to the rock.

IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

With a cry of a thousand woes,
A coal black mass of crows
Will swarm the soul to feast
And eat the morbid beast.

IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

After which, I shall call;
A soul shall approach the wall.
He shall gaze upon my empty face
Praying for fickle grace.

IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

Pray as he shall, no salvation
Follows recitation,
For I alone decide
How far from the path he strides.

*IN HOC SIGNO VINCES

I stood over the sink
Scrubbing our negroni glasses
Wishing the ginger-scented soap
Would wash away the cancer
Because the chemo didn’t work

I was wearing eyeliner
When I first met you
We’d laugh about that later
Over a bottle of wine
And patatas bravas

We always had our weekends
Movie dates and inside jokes
We would guffaw at the
Fuckery of it all
My god your laugh
How it filled a room

I remember when you said
“I love you, Christopher…
because you just GET ME”
You expressed appreciation
For how I carved out time
For our friendship

I reminded you,
“I don’t carve out time for you,
I shove everything away while
screaming ‘I NEED MY HEIDI TIME!’”

*******.
I need my Heidi time

For years you were
The most consistent thing in my life
Always there for one another
We were each other’s touchstones
I realize this now more than ever
During my weekends spent alone

Wine tastes different now
Something’s missing
Going to the movies feels strange
It’s like the hero has
Left the frame

Remember when I smoked cigarettes?
You’d *** a drag as we crept
Through early evening traffic
On our way to get gelato
Or if we were feeling sassy
Maybe an affogato

I switched to vaping
When you went into hospice
Then back to menthols
When your spirit left this world

I’m addicted to our memories
More than the nicotine
They bang around my head
Like a song or a scent
Nostalgic  
And
Lingering

You tattooed
“CEDENDO VINCES”
On your wrists
“By yielding, you will win”
My finger traced those words
While I held your hand

Last breaths

But what are deaths?

Transitions
Energy
Shifting
A spark
Returning

/ / /

Those letters live
On my wrists now
A reminder of her
The sister I never had
And sometimes
I still hear her laugh

Breathless I stare aghast and opaque

Stripped bear to the flesh, beaten & broke

Quests can no longer quench my soul

My innards are shred as wounds to the world.

Open sores cover where once was a cross

Halielujah I’ve cried but find it hard to respond.

My armour was strong my speed was my guide

To Jerusalem I rode with God on my side

For Christendom, eternity, In Hoc Signo Vinces

The steel of my sword that wielded the light.

Comrades whose love have camped by my side

Lay scattered, defeated, beaten & lost.

On this sand I now kneel my sword as my rest

My beliefs have deserted alone I must die.

Good knight is my prayer 50 bezants were true

Exuvias Modo Mortales, just mere mortals to you.

Closing my eyes the trumpets have gone

Visions of Jesus & Godfrey before

As the sand passes over and creeps through my bones

Death is my end but a matyr am I

I am the commissioner of sewers,
king of rat's alley,
chancellor of the canine
graveyards.
This life right here is a party
and safari.

In hoc signo vinces:
In this sign you will conquer.

I am impetuous, adamantly
audacious.

Ic heb u liever dan en everswin,
al waert van finen goude ghewracht:
I love you more than a wild bore,
even if it were made of fine gold.