On that autumn evening in 1962
I am falling for you,
And the sounds of jazzy-blue
Rambling lost and smooth.

In this moment I've contrived
While I am there by your side,
Inside of fiction, with you, I hide;
And walk the night under city-lit skies.

But that was an unrealizable time;
This moment was never mine.
Cloaked with nostalgic rime
Inside a Polaroid frozen in time.

All you left behind for me:
This black and white memory
Of a night I'll never see,
And a melancholic question: Who is she?

only a hand full of human souls is strong or insane enough, to find the courage thats needed to live for theyr biggest Dream. For this one burning Idea that dosent wanted to left theyr mind for Just a day , since its has been born in These one Moment theyr needs and visions had been unbound and unobserved. Grown to
personal destiny, bound to one endless, sizeless and boarderless passion. even if there can't be more luckyness to feel, as in these moments where those lifelong tracking dreams are bound in touchable , visible, real expieriencable shapes..
...there can't be more pain as in times they seem to be unrealizable or impossible to realize in the way they should.
nothing can cause more vitality ,more love into the life , as to found out how imagination can be formed into sounds, pictures, things..or even full worlds.
and nothing will ever cause more hate for the world around ,the own person and these insane visions , as any step backwards ,anything that (seem?) to separate, stop or just slow down these unique souls while theyre hunting theyr predetermited ever know destiny.
sometimes it feels like draining in your passion - bound that hard to the way to fullfill your visions, that you loose everything around..and with these world around the base and material to realize them.
nothing will ever hurt more as the fear to lost your dreams by getting lost in them ,just while fighting to realize them.
so why are there those driven, hunted, insane souls who choose to live in passion and get thorn between despair and despairing hopes?
cause all these impossible seeming visions are carrying this small seed to become true.. and as long these chance for reality exists, it will endless stoke the fire that burns inside -
it will form new wings out of broken leftovers of the previous ,
dosent matter how much times the old ones got crushed to dust...
and nothing will ever balance out the feeling to fly within the own inner universe while any smallest part of it is coming true..

and no thing exists, that will ever ne able to cause more energy and trust in the fate ahead..

...as to reach the sky.

When every moment is
Struggling with every
Fiber to inspire, expire
Breath, feeling is a
Dream deferred,
Unrealizable, they say.

Yet, to feel builds emotions,
Power innate, the thread
Interweaving the fabric of life.
Though, pro-science projects
Thought is power, sensing,
Just informing, to be processed
By our computer, brain, for
Exigent programming.

Yet, conscience intuits that
Thoughts are emoting, voiced.
...That fear is naught, but,
Shadows of past's un-integrated
Experiences, cast over our
Presence and future. While both,
Integral to realizing insight,
Growth, balance and movement,
Are necessary to humanity.

"La Machine", uses them to rote
Us into un-being an efficacious part
And parcel of it, an automaton.
More, better mechanistic survival,
The reason for human being,
In societies' eye. Who dares to
Disagree, all in for a penny, in
For a pound, mostly, decay bound.
Sides, delusions, clouding their eyes.

Though, feelings hibernating
Emerge with strength, through
Discipline, which Castaneda relates
As, "the art of feeling awe", they
Can be concentrated. Focusing,
Realizing reality on wing,
Imbued co-creation in flight.

As well, what of our soma's foci of
Attention, solutioning all life,
Through myriad interrelations?
What of the breadth of our
Perceptions, the depth of every-
Ones earthen interconnections?
...Of the intimacy, hearts fathoms,
Touch's immediacy, aural artistry?

Mammon says, "what of it", being
Doesn't make money, take control,
Projections do. "We" say, they're
Le raison d'etre, potentia evolving,
Humane being, alival. I would be
Just for a day, as a mayfly, if I were
More me, rather, than as long as
An eagle flies, selling out, killing.

I keep missing a man I never met.
A person whom my soul grieves every minute of the day.
A happy place to turn to when I’m upset.
Only to remember, that he isn’t here yet.
He never was, and may never be.
Because I need to be capable on my own.

But the thing is, I’m ok alone. I’m doing fine alone. But my heart clenches for another heart to sync my beats.

A soul that speaks my mother language like I do.
I don’t want it to be an unhealthy obsession or to make my life revolve around him or for him to carry the center piece of my heart that is meant for God.

I want an arm to sleep in. Someone to love the lovey pieces of me and someone to love the parts that I hate about myself. Because no matter how many times I’m told to love myself before I want to be loved I can’t help but disagree.

I love the beautiful parts of me. But the old ugly scars, the bald spots, the strawberry skin, the mean, selfish part of me…it’s toxic and unnatural to fall in love with these parts of myself.

But a soulmate, they see the pain those pieces of me cause, they see my clear dislike for them. And for that they love those parts of me: because to him it’s my most sensitive vulnerable naked self hiding a little kid thinking she’s too stupid and worthless for the big adventures in the world. To a lover, my flaws are nothing but a proof that I am not a dream and rather a reality. A soul flush against them, a soul having so much faith love and respect for them that it timidly shows their scars and faults whilst crossing my fingers to be accepted and loved regardless.

My heart aches and calls for the man who will hold me in his big strong arms. A man who will whisper in my ears that it will all be ok. When the morning comes he will help me wake up because heaven knows getting up is the hardest part of my day.

I hate waking up only to face a reality I in all means wish to procrastinate facing it. I do wake up when I’m alone. I do wake up now with no man. And I face reality regardless. But is it so bad to want another soul to help me bear the weight of the average day?

Is it weak of me to wish for a soul that loves me dearly that never picks up every little bad habit I have and reproach me for it?

Is it bad to want more than a parent that blames?
To want more than a friend that wants what’s best for you but can never really truly see your soul?
All of the paradoxal parts of your soul?
Is it so bad to want more than a friend who turns a blind eye to your ugly pieces?
Is it so bad to want someone to believe in my possibly non existent ability to achieve my unrealizable dreams?

I am grateful for thé love i have in my life. For my friends. For my little siblings that have so much expectations for me yet I continue doing exactly what hurt me as a child to them. Yet I continue to disappoint them. Yet I continue to shove my ugly soul down their throat. Only to show them glimpses of the beautiful energy in me. Oh how I hate who I become when my sisters catch me in a bad mood.

How I hate that the antidepressants don’t do **** anymore. How I hate that I feel completely utterly like an ugly mess. Is it so bad to wish for a Prince Charming to make me feel like a beautiful princess that regardless of her apparent weakness and helplessness she has a magic power that no one holds but her?

A magic power that only worked after the appearance of Prince Charming. I can understand the anger of women. Their anger towards men and Disney. Their obsession with doing it all alone. I understand it all. But is it so bad that I haven’t lost hope? That I believe in a soul mate? That I hope and can only hope that our roads will cross?

Don’t tell me to get up on my own. To do all of that on my own. Because I will. I will become better and I will become beautiful on my own. But is to so bad to wish for a man to watch me evolve?

Is it so bad to wish for a masculine energy other than that overly exposed part of me?
Is it so bad that no man has ever lived up to the standards of my soulmate?
Is it so bad that no soul has been able to fluently understand my language?

Whatever fate holds for me. I hope that God would ******* out of strong and beautiful. But God will you please please allow my soul to meet its companion.

For God, I need no one but you. But you know, you know how the journey is much more pretty and less bitter when surrounded by the souls I was intertwined with before they became ripped apart and each was given a temporary house: a body.

But my house will never be a home if there is no one to come back to. God I miss him so much. Don’t tell me he doesn’t exist. He might have died. Heck we might no even exist in the same era.

But he existed I can feel him. In the cries of my soul. In the grieves of my soul. In the longing of my soul. In the back of my head. A distant memory that I can’t remember but that always haunts me. I can feel him in the way I’m so loyal to a person that I don’t remember.

God please have mercy on me and let our souls intertwine again during this life. The want is turning into a dull ache in my chest to violent thudding against my rib cage to a full hollow heart.

My heart is one
Created out of glass
Exquisitely made
Beautiful yet fragile
It wasn’t supposed to break

But you let it slip
Purple cracks crept around
Its once crystalline surface
As it oozed
Crimson regret

Will someone fill these gaps
Or is there no tourniquet?
I kneel down and pray
A lithium vessel clutched in hand
Begging for an unrealizable salvation

It's ironic- a person lives, sees out through eyes
but with thought, their lives hide inside

The mind, to realize complexity
with the unrealizable complexity being itself

and so on and so forth
because tell me how to not

Pondering the magnificent love of the Alpha
Explaining this most wonderful mystery is impossible
Realizing that atonement of sins is unrealizable
Empowering us to rise above our limitations
Conquering our fears through His infinity
Trusting the ordained commands of the Omega

Lovely, is His compassion
0verwhelming, is His comprehension
Victorious, are His ways
Eternal, are His promises

Considering the power and authority of Alpha
Answering to the call of the Almighty
Silencing us quietly to His awesome Omnipotence
Turning to the One who holds eternity
Expelling from our minds thoughts of desertion
Targeting our focus to the Holy One
Hallowing the awesome presence of the Omega

Omniscient, is His presence
Uplifting, are His commands
True, is His word

Finding the strength needed in the Alpha
Embracing the security provided by His majesty
Accepting the tender mercies of His magnificence
Remembering always the triumph of the Omega