Progress

4:26 am. Got out of bed.

Feeling really low again. Envy at my sister's good fortune and new friends. She is getting ahead, she is in a good place- but we are not and I am definitely not. Everything in her life presently makes her happy except me. She never trusted me because I dated G. Now I don't trust her either. I don't want anything from her. I finished the story. She didn't edit. She hasn't offered me anything from her end. "Jotted down some notes" is all she said. She did that in college with all her professors, and got As. It isn't fair. See, she does things whenever she feels like it and IF. And she doesn't trust me? I stopped asking her to do anything. If she wants to she can. I did my part.

I don't know where my life is taking me. I am working ******* little ropes that come at my direction-- but I am not even sure if they are worthwhile endeavors and if they will turn into anything. I just know I have nothing else.

I consider contacting my ex, F. Why him? He's the only one messed up like me. L is married with a beautiful baby and that woman he left me for, G is probably already married by now to that other stunning girl. But F will always be alone.

He doesn't want me. Why should I contact him? I had told myself I won't contact him until I at least got a full time job. He's an Ivy League P.H.D scientist at Penn researching the brain, traveling, making intelligent beautiful friends, and doing triathlons successfully (of course the smart ones are successful at many things). However, he still has trouble finding the "one". He's ******* 37. No one is ever good enough for him. I wasn't good enough for him. *******. He's broken like me. No, he ignored me. I won't contact him. ******* can contact me if he wants to.

I realized I have no friends. None at all. I used to think I had so many friends. Mostly men that just follow me around for a while and then leave me when they realize they aint getting this *****.

There's K, but he's J's ex's friend- so our friendship is limited. There's my sis S, who I meet once every other month, but she doesn't always respond to messages (and I rarely text her anyway). There's Je- she and I meet twice a year and we don't really connect anyway. She has other best friends and I am not really in that circle.

Cas- she is academically successful(valedictorian) and has a job, but frankly she is a bit slow. Can't explain it. Plus she bailed at me about the apartment thing and strangely she doesn't like me to meet her other friends in intimate settings, she just likes meeting people one by one. Like she's met my friends and got some of their numbers, but for some reason has never provided me an opportunity to meet hers. Maybe she feels awkward introducing me since she and I met online? Since she's not philosophical or an intellectual, I don't understand the point of meeting more than once a month if it's just me and her. I like her, but she always seems high without actually being high. I feel like I have to go out of the to meet her, but she doesn't have any energy at all.

Ro- the verbally abusive drunk? Let's face it. It's a mutually beneficial- two lonely people who have no friendship compatibility uplift each other relationship- but he's actually of the the more interesting to talk to people . Then there is Chr who just flirts all the time and fights. I swear his ex wife drilled some holes into his brain. He's just rude. He acts nice, but he's ******* nuts inside. Then there are those occasional people that text you Happy New Year. When I was in a relationship, I was so consumed by it that not having friends didn't matter. I have no friends. I am completely alone. Always have been. In law school, in elementary school, in middle school- I was always the only one who sat alone.

I like sad music. I just listened to the Hollywood version of Les Miserables- one of my favorite all time literary pieces and the beautiful Selena Gomez' new single Heart Wants What it Wants. I love to hear singing melodically, softly, simply of their pain. Every single singer in that musical has a painful story. The innkeepers in their desperation, Javert, of course Fantine, Jean Valjean, and the most relatable Eponine. And the sound of the violin. And the harp.

5:13 am. Let's talk progress.

Today I finally had the trial tutoring session. It was Algebra 2. The girl who is my tutee, she is sweet and extremely hard working. As and Bs in Algebra 2 weren't enough for her. I prepared extensively. My own Algebra 2 teacher was terrible in high school. He flirted with the pretty girls and bragged about himself. I got As for nothing. We spent most of the semesters on the same one or two chapters. I've always wanted to good at everything, to redo and master everything. Maybe this is my chance to become good at everything I **** at.

I am teaching myself before I teach her. I am supposed to be proficient. I had to begin on a surface level pace today. She and her mother both seemed happy. I touched on all her first semester topics. Next week is the second trial session. I will learn more and teach her in depth. If all goes well, she will end up being my client and I will be assigned more tutees. If only I could make a full time job out of this- I totally would. Each session pays well. Of course, the first two sessions I give are complimentary. After that.

This is a gamble. If I don't get enough clients- I will still have to manage the ones I have, invest a lot of time into studying for assignments, and then still make enough money to qualify as full time- then I will be scrambling. I can't imagine possibly getting between 6-8 hours of tutoring every day, since most people get out of work after 5pm and I have to travel around for sessions. I hope it's possible. I would work very hard.

My plan is to ace this Algebra 2 tutee preparation. I have a week to make myself more of an expert.

I have to go to more networking events. Sign up for Asian Film Festival & World Affairs. Meet people. Get connected. Make friends.

Keep reading current events, legal issues, technological advancements, and foreign news.

Re-reading my previously written Step 1- Embodying Positively helped me by reminding me to trudge forward and remain strong and positive, for both my own sake and the sake of the people in the world.

6:02 am.

I am going to do a second 5k this December. My first one ever was last month. Second one in December will be progress. I've got to start practicing again.

I gave up sugar instead of meat for Advent. I felt it was much harder, but more rewarding. Today is my third day of the no sweets diet. I did have sweet iced tea and a pretzel with sweet cream cheese, but I will stop those too. I might allow myself to have just one iced tea a week- moderation is more effective than going cold turkey and messing up. This is a huge accomplishment as I am a sugar addict. I look pretty fit, except a little tummy that goes up and down and only noticed by closest family members and friends.

I need to be fit for my health, to be the best I can be, to be fit, for a future potential job in the FBI or PO.  I only get up once a night to *** now. Some nights I used to *** 6 times a day. Is that an indicator of future diabetes or what? Consuming a lot of sugar can lead to a lot of internal diseases including infertility and cancer. If I can give up sugar for one month, I may try to keep doing it. Wow.

6:27 am. Go to sleep, T. Good night moon. Good night stars. Good night Mercury. Good night everyone.

.........

12/16/2014

Went to an Asian Law Society event last week. Made a couple friends, excited to be a member and get involved. Also met a guy, hope he's Catholic so my parents will accept the relationship if I decide to go out with him. He's emotional, Korean American, and verbal- a Gemini. Interesting but probably just as crazy as me. I am looking forward to getting to know him.

Just finished my weekly career discussion group, this is my second week in attendance. I was about to give up on the group, but John one of the members, who is a runner (and I think out of work firefighter), reached out to help me by emailing my resume around to different people he knows. He's the reason I decided to keep coming until I find a job. We shall see what happens. I have a tendency to jump around to things and not see them to fruition, but I am working on developing strong skills.

Today, I am feeling grateful. I live in a generation in which globalization is both a positive and negative thing. However, today I feel positive despite all the problems. There are so many opportunities, and I just have to figure out to unlock the how.

I'm really quite not busy
with all the things
that I'm not doing.
I barely have much
time to wake.
with the things
that I'm eschewing.
Once again I won't be climbing
up the Matterhorn my dear
Its really not a challenge
Why that is remains unclear..
I'm not preparing gourmet meals
for folks who aren't coming
Instead I'm eating taco belle
and messing up my plumbing.
I should rotate my tires
but surely there's no fun in that.
I can just call the Triple A
when i chance to get a flat.
You won't catch me at Pilates
or my yoga class this year.
I just achieved a state of bliss
by sitting on my rear.
So you go do triathlons
and do work up a sweat
Can't you see I'm busy sitting here
composing my regrets?

If someone tells you I love you,
Run them through triathlons while holding your hand.
Make them listen with their eyes closed to your singing voice,
When they tell you they love it watch for the formation of sweat beads at the edge of their hair line.
Have them catch you off a twenty story building
And then drive you to the hospital.
Wait in the ER for five hours without a cell phone to play games on,
Make sure they kiss your fingers while you cry in agony.
Starve with them for five days
While you survive off of nothing but salty tears and tender knee hugs.
Watch your favorite movie with them fifty times in thirty days.
Go out to your favorite restaurant five times in one week,
And most importantly,
Loop your favorite album on replay for 78 hours.
Buy five dogs and walk them through miles and kilometers of bike trails.
Have every single argument possible
Until you run out of things to disagree on,
Then bring every issue up again the next morning.
Get drunk together and say every possible ****** up thing that you don't mean.
File for a mortgage.
Agree on how many kids you both want.
Go through the loss of a family member together,
And convert to separate religions.

But most of all, make sure they really mean it.

Question life. Who owns you?
Open your mind like a box,
Pandora’s box of secrets
And lies, and midnight thoughts.

Like you actually care.
Gardens without water thrive wild.
Walled gardens in their
Own world,
They worship a god of silence.

And you look like you want to be something.
Sitting in coffee shops
Staring at the rain gets you nowhere.
Do you like your lukewarm smiles and drinks?
Triathlons through wet cement?

Why do you do this to yourself?
Feelings stuck in snow globes,
Show your love to Mother Nature
Because you are locked out
Of your house.
Notebooks filled with numbers,
Budgeting time like you pretend to budget money.
Act like every second counts and spend
Fifty dollars behind your own back.

Tap your nails on something because
You’re nervous.
One day your nails will drill through this table,
Holes the size and shape of your regret.

Bathe in gold glitter and rose petals to mask
Your shame, replacing insecurities with
New clothes only works in movies.
Set your lock screen to a default picture
So no one really knows who you are.
Paint your nails a color
That doesn’t remind you to care,
Like everything else does.

Take a deep breath and tell the truth.
It’s buried under stacks of papers,
Impossible to find,
But the truth is the most important lie
You’ll ever will into existence.

Fog arose from the mouth of the house;
A door made of glass had fallen to the frigid sidewalk,
(Red Kool-Aid, the blood of Christ; it flooded all thought).

It grabbed the collar of my shirt
And ripped it down to what it must of been.
Life looked at me as a child
Falling through the air
As some rugged anvil.
O, what it could've been
In the faint of night;
I might have never been true enough.
Nothing could give way to something
So clever and exact.

My perceptions filled this house up,
Wandering the steps and the stairs.
A red hot air balloon that glided above the roof.
Gears rotated inside of the omnipotent grandfather clock.
The feeling of metal skin caressing metal skin systematically.

I took what I knew and I hid it under my pillow. Away
From the fog
That grew with that tinge of red. It was I who lived
For the footsteps under the hazy golden lights
That rang out into the deep blue clouds.

Opulent orbs that shambled and shook
In and out of the blackness in the hallway.
A crook — Fallen on the floorboards.

The air
Was drenched in electricity. Wind almost slithered
From the windowsill. A wooden thing;
Layered with a single coat of white paint. Waiting
To peel off and reveal itself to me.

It is I, the camera.
My skin — a metal slab;
Cold and real.

Time touches me like love,
Feeling me up as if I had slept with it.

My brain is a roll of memories
Embedded in flashes of time.

I have seen life—
**** and unclothed.
I take it all in.

My crystal eye — the grand abyss,
Looking back at me.

Oh do I terrify?
The world I built with my memory.

I have seen life —
Depleted and dead,
Living in pictures.

Peach colored woman — what is it you ask from me?
Spoken with lips skinny and true.
She lay naked,
Spread out upon the staircase —
Like an uncanny form I could not recall
I pass, pass on it all.
Porcelain hands are over my eyes;
Surrounded in the chiming of pots and pans.
Maybe it must of been
The scratches
On her stomach
Caused by the apple tree.

The fruit of creation—
Running triathlons in my veins;
Reflections in the river water.