I stopped breathing two years ago
I don't know if it was because of him or not
Maybe it was coincidence
But I was choking, sputtering for fourteen years of my life
Gasping for just one
And now for two years
I have stopped breathing altogether

My lungs are tared black
But I don't smoke
My skin is charred and burnt with open sores
Yet I freeze more with each passing second

I feel like I'm inside a trash bag
Or I am a trash bag
Certainly though I'm trash
I'm a corpse in a body bag
Soon

Halloween is a night when all the Ghost come out,
Some come from right here that live among us
Some only make the trip on Halloween night
They even come from the grave yards,
The Ghost from here never made it to the other side
All the Ghost are spirits some were feathered and tared.
Only on Halloween night do they all coincide
Some walk among us all the time leaving no foot prints
The feeling some one is there but when you turn to look there's no one,
Halloween can mix among the living and the dead,
they come out freely walking along side us unnoticed when we are having fun.
Dressed up in disguised as ghost and goblins and pumpkin heads
Its all in fun for earthly people but one never know the trickery of a real Ghost.
They move in space among us and play trickery games because their among the dead.
We wait for the door bell to ring for all the children yelling trick or treat for their candy
But one never knows on calm Halloween night why the door keeps slamming on the\old wood shed.
Locked it was but not tonight, as the Ghost are so busy, but I keep on the table the bottle of Brandy,
I pour a shot to calm down my fear realizing it's a very busy night among the dead..
Even tho it's a calm night you can hear the ghostly haunted wind and dyed leafs blowing over your head,
Yes I am scared on this Halloween night and every year at this time it excites my fright,
Who would really know their among us but what they can not say their not living but dead.
Walking on the rickrack porch every step that creeks,
lit Pumpkins carved on the old unpainted chair on the right,
on the left are tall corn stalks and a bail of hay as the tall scare crow sits so still with no life.
I will always remember this Halloween night for the dead rises as the living play.

I am hear and I am there
One home two home
Blue home new home.
scattered shattered as-if-it-mattered.
I've paid cost for my moms loss
I have learned and I have yearned
day by day with my new say
with her toss I can't feal lost or I'll cry and they'll  ask why.
I get scared when i get tared,
over and over the story's bin shared.
            with all her cries made into lies,
no one would lisson help her  with this mission
they  distroyed her they deployed  her
she's old and untold just a mess by the guess,
with her cold man the beast with a hand
knew how to hit and not how to quit.
I was young and showed him my tounge I didn't lisson he belonged to the prison.
I'm her last choice , she just burn't her voice.
I'm her gold key to setting her free
why'ed she say yes when he stepped to his knee?
to be with him she thinks he'dahhh lisson.
all he would do is give her a *****,
Give me my Mommy! stop making her drain all you have gave her is a lost brain.
and my heart?.
just a pain ....
I can't live to be her I can't stand to see her.
all that we had you turned into bad every last bit you made a big fit,.

I tear my heart open just to feel my crimson slime drip through the cracks of my shattered ribs. I cut through my charades of arms and skins and let the red hot blade slide through and burn the wounds so I leave no mess. I'm a ***** mess as I walk barefooted down badly paved roads. It's the darkest hour of the night, But no one told me it would be the warmest. I stepped across the tared pavement street with my bare, ***** feet. I walked for miles in the darkest hours. I walked without shoes, I walked without shirt. I walked across highways, I walked through towns. People only stare and gawk at the less fortunate. But who said that I was less fortunate? I was driven by only one purpose, To make someone else happy. I did not do this for myself. I was on no pilgrimage. I took the walk in the darkest hours just to see a love of mine. I had fallen in love and out of reality. I had lost many friends; many resources; much credibility. I beat the ground until my knuckles bled. I caused more intentional harm to my own body than anyone or thing had done to me in ten years time I've traversed this path many a time but it never gets any easier. To think I'm doing this based upon a thought or rumor. To think of all I've done and yet I am poor; I am cold; I am walking to find a place to sleep. A place where I may rest my chin up upon a rope and slip off the rock underneath. A place where I could be happy and rest in a peace I haven't known in years. It's like you're spitting fire in your words. I can feel every syllable slap across whatever scarred canvas I have left. That's really all I am isn't it? A canvas where you can paint whatever picture you want; because you know I'll follow your every demand. Have I just become your toy? I tell everyone I do it out of love. I tell myself I do it out of love. But really, Is it just muscle memory? Lately I've been losing sleep. Even less sleep then I would normally get, rolling about and wallowing in my own despair. Isn't that sad? Isn't there some way I can actually convince myself it's supposed to be like this? What's it matter. The farther I walk the less I realize how far I stray from the side of the road. These yellow lines? I'm in the middle? But how? I haven't even noticed myself drifting. Drifting? Wasn't I just walking? But how? And that's when it hits me. The branch, I mean. How could I not even notice I've hung my own body? Has my life really come down to this? Walking barefoot down a cold road to find a nice place to die? What's it matter, you know? sometimes rambling is best. Just to be heard. Just to know someone is out there, looking at my words and knowing I exist. I exist. You know what? That's right. I do exist and ******* if that's what I have to tell myself to stay here, I'll do it for you. Because I love you. And not hell or high water will change that. I love you and I'm here for you. I exist. Please remind me I exist?

I try so hard just to scream!
I feel this is only becoming a dream.
Why can't I even breath?
is it all because my grief?
I think im beginning to sink...
or is it just me staring at the water on the outside of my drink?
I think this is called depression.
so sad how fast a brightly world can be turned blacken.
Im already drowning.
I know, I can see you frowning...
please give me your hand..
i'll be your biggest fan.
if you don't its okay, I guess im not really scared.
in death im just alittle tared....
you're the one who broke my heart
you should be happy to watch me break apart.
but sadly im afraid I can't stay for very long....
Cause don't you see that im already gone...

You tared me away
Away from my bubble

The bubble
That kept me

That kept me
In place

And now I just struggle,
Not knowing which day
I should live to the fullest,

Live to the fullest,
pretending it
to be my last.

I am hear and I am there
One home two home
Blue home new home.
scattered shattered as-if-it-mattered.
I've paid cost for my moms loss
I have learned and I have yearned
day by day with my new say
with her toss I can't feal lost or I'll cry and they'll  ask why.
I get scared when i get tared,
over and over the story's bin shared.
            with all her cries made into lies,
no one would lisson help her  with this mission
they  distroyed her they deployed  her
she's old and untold just a mess by the guess,
with her cold man the beast with a hand
knew how to hit and not how to quit.
I was young and showed him my tounge I didn't lisson he belonged to the prison.
I'm her last choice , she just burn't her voice.
I'm her gold key to setting her free
why'ed she say yes when he stepped to his knee?
to be with him she thinks he'dahhh lisson.
all he would do is give her a *****,
Give me my Mommy! stop making her drain all you have gave her is a lost brain.
and my heart?.
just a pain ....
I can't live to be her I can't stand to see her.
all that we had you turned into bad every last bit you made a big fit,.

he asked me my country's future? And
             was startled I pointed to my smoking scars—
they are the path where I entered my pains.
                                                          ­                   I said.

my future wear prayers like sunglasses.

             we only show others what we want them to know                          
lying to ourselves, thinking out body is a single person.
            drowning in the arms of our potentials.

              he asked me my country's road
where the
past had tared for our journey
              through my eyes, he saw a fog future
linking only through to an un-motorable road —
              where museum of scars and blood
are the only vualable display antiquity
              and the violence a home where our beds are death
          
my country is a pregnant ******;
             whom everyone sleep with but no  one want her baby

we call people friends just to suit our purpose
            they are all fake because we are too. now i know.

don't **** yourself umar yogiza jr. don't die.
             your heart is not full, no one's heart is.
i cannot go round waiting to be loved
             everyone have themselves to love, and not enough.

The city walk, no one claim.
             the village I left, no one claim.
stranger at home and outside home
              all people care-for is their room.

yogiza, this city eat you like breakfast,
                                                      ­       yet you
               make your ancestral home stranger to feed you.

every eye on me is suspicion —now even mine.
               if you ask me where am i going? i don't know!
the past, present and future had been claimed
                i won't **** myself, i love you everybody i meet.
this is not my poem but yours. i want to smile.

Too many good kind people, we should never take for granted
Joyful times will always end, tears of the broken hearted
loved ones have been taken, ever since our time first started
No one knows the time or place, of our Dearly Departed

Precious lives lost in a dream, something you can not repair
Who decides a persons fate, who decides the when and where ?
We don't want to say goodbye, our hearts will bleed and tare
Nothing can prepare us, for the time when your not there

I'm tired of loved ones dying, so Death give it a rest
You take away our living hope, when you demand your final test
The legacy of one more soul, a diminished family crest
Your presence is unwanted, no one wants to be your guest

Time is short for us all, and none of us are spared
Everything will then be lost, when every heart is tared
Our times become a memory, with all that we have shared
It's the relentlessness of Death itself, with everyone who cared

Among the angels is our place, too many of us dying
The day will come when we are gone, and we're no longer flying
A wing that's clipped before it's time, without us even trying
We're left alone with loneliness, and the sadness of us crying

A living soul that fades away, why doesn't time relent ?
Looking back into the past, I wonder where it went
Why take the kind and pure of heart, why take the innocent
I will always think of, all the good times that we spent

A life that's touched a thousand souls, which everyone shall miss
We never wanted you to leave, now your lost in times abyss
Tears will fall for our auntie, our mother and big sis
Kind hearts won't be forgotten, because we love you our Mavis