i know that this isn't me
i know that these tight open eyes and lucid feelings aren't me
i want to be reminded that i am not alone in this world
but i do not want to communicate with anyone
i just want to watch
while i can appreciate how unemotional and reserved i'm feeling right now, i don't like the dull air and rounded edges around me
i no longer understand why i used to allow myself to feel this way every day

I worry that the only reason I have to write is because no one will listen to me
I can't leak my thoughts to my psychologist or psychiatrist or parent because I know that my words aren't safe and that legality triumphs anything I say
I know that I'm like lava at its boiling point, about to erupt
I know that I'm self destructive and that things are only getting worse
I have so much to say, maybe if I told the entirety of the truth, I could be helped
But I fear the corrupt system too much
And I don't want to say anything to my parents because they have watched my prolonged mental distress and they have seen my breakdowns and hysterical fits and they've heard my screams
I've been medicated
SSRIs and Xanax and Ativan and Prozac and Klonopin and Lexapro
I've spent hours in a therapist's office, only to censor my life and hear a psychology major regurgitate everything I already know
I can't stand it anymore
I want to be high on **** forever and laugh at nothingness
I want to be drunk to the point where I forget that life is even a thing
I want to kiss his lips and touch him every moment of the day because I'd feel loved even if I wasn't
I hate what has happened
I hate what is happening
I hate that I've changed
I hate how hard I try because the payoff never seems to pay off
And that I try to keep changing but everything isn't enough and everything won't ever cut it
I don't know what to do
I need endorphins and serotonin and beta-blockers and benzos
I need to know that this isn't a never ending cycle
I need to know that what I'm feeling is temporary and that this isn't what my life will be like
I need to tell my therapist and my doctor and my psychiatrist that I don't know what to do anymore and that the thoughts that control me are no longer bearable because I know that I want to live
I know however, that if I say the wrong thing, my words will be reported to DCFS and I could be baker acted and I don't want that to happen
So all I have in the end are my thoughts, killing me inside every moment of everyday
Tearing me apart like my lungs can no longer expand
Like my heart can no longer pump
Because my mind controls everything, and everything is in flames

Learned today
1. definition of patois (non-standardized lnguage.)
2. NSAIDs apparently interfere with the action of SSRIs
3. Synonyms for Appetite Suppressant:
Anorectic, anorexic, anorexigenic, anorexiant

How many neural networks formed when your soul eats?

I like to think I'm mysterious dark leave you delirious like a dream but I'm just a ****** up girl, not a French girl, just a girl with wide eyes on SSRIs who wishes she could do pills again so that she could fly and people tell me I look like a model- a model of what? Of what not to do in life? Of ******* yourself? Of how to
crumble like a $5 forever 21 highlighter in the sun and
play with guns and
have too much fun until
the crash hits and the cigarette's lit and the mania wears off and it's just me myself and I all alone at home thinking of the next girl or guy,
        I'm not a French girl- I'm a throw a wrench in it girl, I smell like stress sweat and unpaid rent and guerlain perfume that I can't afford and all I want is to drown because I'm so ******* bored with FEELING! LIKE! ****! take another hit in the self esteem, an indica dream and cry in the shower where they can't hear you scream, no brother no father just a deadbeat daughter with eyeliner that slaughters and way too many people who've been beating up on her

Somedays I think it will make me feel better.
Other days I wake with- other days I stay awake until the sun hurts my eyes, and it no longer feels warm, just hot.
My heart feels missing.
My mind feels messy. *****.
Everything is too loud and I go again to drown it out.
But I scare easily, so I run away by going nowhere.
I hide until I see nothing.
And when I see nothing, I’m too afraid to see anything.
How can I find a door when the whole house is burning.
Maybe this new bottle will help me find the door.

Life was only worth living
With SSRIs in the system
It was only a matter of time
Before I regressed without them
Back to the bottom
Another AllTimeLow
The headaches
The despair
The empty
If I can’t live without you
Do I even deserve to live with you

(Tidbit of trivia: associated with
businessman from Troy, New York,
Samuel Wilson, known affectionately
as “Uncle Sam” Wilson. The barrels
of beef that he supplied the army
during  War of 1812 were stamped
“U.S.” to indicate government property).

Today March 30th, 2021
$2800.00 stimulus check came in the mail
I intend to open joint account with the missus.

Citizens Bank
(formerly Commonwealth)
constitutes the financial repository,
where yours truly maintains
his savings and checking account.

Though aforementioned
amount of money merely pocket change,
I feel gratitude regarding said funds
issued courtesy Treasury Department,
which in tandem to
monthly direct deposit ($900.00)
social security allotment
helps keep me financially afloat
otherwise yours truly
will experience a one two knockout
overdraft paralyzing sucker punch.

Whereby white as a sheet ghostly color,
sans countenance of mine
impossible to differentiate between
Lenovo external screen background
myopia no deterrent as jaw slackened
upon Citizens Bank notification.

The following written circa recent past,
when bouts of monetary
adversity occurred quite often
current spate of ill health plagued me
with (relentless stomach virus)
triggered emotional state
Kamikaze nose dived
into forbidding deathwish
gastrointestinal Civil War

relentlessly raged kickstarting
linkedin body, mind, spirit
emergency necessitating transfer of funds,
and/ or anonymous philanthropic injection
to staunch, stave, and stay hemorrhaging,
whereby checking account

beyond restoration, sans life support
heroic measures sense (cents) less,
now, mine entire being
excruciating figurative explosion,
viz rapidly fired projectile
as if "FAKE" mandibles bit the bullet

self destruction declaration reactivated
casus belli (caused by ache'n belly)
just on cusp of recovery
succumbed to lowest record nadir
kindling, sparking, and whip sawing
plea for salvation or termination,

mine abysmal ad hoc existence
evincing illogic, quixotic, tragic...
charade, facade, masquerade, et cetera
accursed woe synonymous with Sisyphus
condemned to Hades exhausting
arduous, laborious, torturous... punishment

social security disability deposit
congenital schizoid personality disorder
attendant anxiety, obsessive/ compulsive
disorder, panic attacks tempered,
half dozen plus prescription medications
some categorized selective serotonin
reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
provide alleviation to psyche.

what  a ******* day.....
tired and busy and stressed and excited
sad tired happy pleased bored hungry annoyed hopeful depressed
desperate curious tempted.....

all the **** ups and downs

i just wanted to sleep....
but like... some of it was good
some not...

wished there was more coffee
then
wished there was more wine

basically
i'm not good
i'm not... happy
i'm just not

but man... i'm so ******* done with doctors
can't you just let me medicate myself
maybe i'll overdo something.....
maybe that's better....
i'm just.... i'm just done

and i'm mad

i really was looking forward to my knife tonight
but like... idk i'm feeling okay now....

how disappointing

no new scars for the week....

Just... just look at me
Please...
There's something wrong here
I'm not right
Idek if or when I can feel anything anymore

AND MAYBE I'M JUST MAKING THE WHOLE THING UP

why do i keep wondering that.....????

healthy people don't do that
they don't refuse to drink water
they don't regularly go 10+ hours without food
and still refuse to eat
they don't hide symptoms under abrasive chemicals
because at least then they know why you're acting weird
they don't have to take ******* ssris
cause... they're fine
is anyone fine???

can't tell anymore...

haha i'm a ******* wreck
but who cares
i feel fine
for tonight

Lackluster eyes and SSRIS
Thoughts turn to ash
When anxiety thrives
The raging fire never ends
Until there is nothing left to burn
The mind is like a forest
That can be burned down to a crisp

to mein kampf insync with mine body dysmorphia

After reading articles
published within April 4/11 2022
of The Nation
I challenged the efficacy
taking prescription medication
categorized as SSRIs
and/or SNRIs.

Unpleasant side effects
such as earth shaking dreams
and/or especially hefty weight gain
linkedin with former
comprising my daily cocktail
of approved prescription medication
courtesy nurse practitioner.

Deliberation about courting death rooted
throughout mine psyche
fueling sinister chortle
at least since bout with anorexia nervosa,
but... maybe ginned blood,
sans umbilical cord transfused in utero aortal,

though long since recovered, the intractable,
haunting specter, sans grim reaper
intertwining within every fiber of this mortal
rooted, grounded deep, and branched out
into each nook and cranny portal.

Said notion provoked,
when made painfully aware
youngest daughter (aged twenty three)
plagued with similar thoughts,
**** genetics did maliciously engineer

clutching telephone while
seated at edge of chair
did apologetically, despairingly,
grievously... did air
pestilential, penitential, plenipotential... scare

re: distraction and understandable fear,
she might unwittingly plunge
into hopeless abysmal despair
falling prey into irrevocable
deathly hallows lair,

though kudos for her
from me, this sole Harris heir
to communicate, (albeit
hesitantly) into mine ear
suddenly wishing thy

Shayna Punim to be near,
but residing (about three hour drive
southeast of Portland, Oregon)
with my kid sister, attentive to welfare,
a sibling whose persona

doth show tender loving care
and concern, this papa
felt reassured there
would be every action taken
with sixth sense to beware

lest progeny exhibits
pointedly obvious lurching career
dramatic slide in tandem
with Old Rotten Gotham
into behavioral sink
emergency measures sibling
immediately would commandeer,

hence somewhat relieved thee dear
beloved progeny receptive to hear,
this dada expressed his unconditional love,
and grateful psychological intervention
offspring boldly did declare

indicative professional help volunteer
really asserted necessary to stave off
how dice throw of fate unfair
to said lass, whose demise,
would abruptly **** this sonneteer!