Hour 20:
The white walls soffocating me,
I'm a walking zombie
and a hero wannabe.

The background sounds
beep, beep, beep
and I just wanna sleep.

I have a worried mother
whose child has fever,
and a not-so-hurt drunk driver
that tonight became a killer.

A 40 year old that's been coughing a few days
and thought of coming to the ER at 4am
because, hey, they are probably not so busy anyways.

I like my job,
and I love saving lives,
but God knows I have to put in order mine.

A heart has stopped in bed number nine,
chest compressions and meds don't make it beat,
I don't want to, but I gotta call it.

A teenager needs stitches,
she's making a mess,
apparently her scar is more important than anyone else.

A few more hours and I can go home,
time is passing slowly.
*Hey, look! There is the sun!

Anxiety hits me like a brick to the face.
I see it coming, and I try to get out of the way of it, but I'm too frozen in fear to actually avoid it. Other times, I can't see it coming, but the idea of being hit with a brick to the face is still just as
shocking, constantly on my mind, and just as lethal. Either way, the impact comes on strong and sometimes without warning, leaving me dazed and scared, wondering when the next one will come at me.

Anxiety sometimes feels like tons of bricks sitting on my chest. No matter how much I plea and cry, the soffocating feeling won't go away.
Anxiety often leaves my finger tips numb and my vision blurred.
Anxiety makes my head spin and my breath short. Sometimes, the worst part is losing control. It leaves me a stranger to my own body.

Sometimes, all I can do is pick those bricks up, and build a wall. Hopefully then, I won't get hurt anymore. Maybe then, others won't see me in my most vulnerable of ways. This is all I can do for myself. Every time I get hit with a brick to the face.

You're out there
spinning galaxies
with fine tipped fingers
compressing time
then
stretching it out
into gossamer fibrils
casting each
diaphonous strand
into a perfect
jordans curve
infinite
ideal
iterations
looping
into each other
incessantly
less maven
more childlike
and lost
endlessly striving
to rewrite all those
coded memories
becoming
cocooned
confused
soffocating
and bruised
trapped
by your own
woven web of
shimmering lies.

© J.C.

I'm confused, baffled, unsettled. I am shamed for just existing. Most of my life Ive been treated this way.
Yet I take another breath.
I'm a child again, begging someone to give a ****.
Rejection, abandonment, ***** lil secret was my burden and cross to carry. Always has been. I don't understand why though. Guess God found it amusing or he would have made this horror movie of a life much better. Everyday I rearrange my life to fit into this stupid,small, rectangular, soffocating, tomb of a box.
I sit in this box quietly doing my best to not disturb you. Or your friends or your frequent parties. While both of those I am not allowed. I feel like a unwanted, adopted child sitting in the corner being punished. Tell me what the **** is it that I've done so bad to be shamed all my ******* life for just my existence. I just sit here and ask God why do I exist? I'm not aloud to be human anymore. But I'm supposed to watch my "friend" break every rule she ever gave me. While being looked down upon if someone comes to see me. Now she got her way only one comes to visit me. No one else is welcomed without punishment and belittling judgement. I ******* hate my life! I ******* hate this stupid, small, rectangular box! I'm in prison with a life sentence. My crime? Well it's simply cause I exist...  This is control. This is evil. You already asking me where I can take my rectanglar stupid lil box. **** I hate this box! Why don't I deserve to be wanted and valued? I treat you good and watch your back. Do I not deserve the same in return? I pay half the bills here and none of my friends can use the bathroom, take a shower or do laundry but all of your can? How is that fair? Or maybe I should just accept that you don't care and you never thought of us as friends just a come up, a lick. Maybe we were never friends. Maybe just I thought of us that way. Your taking advantage of me and I'm just supposed to sit here silently freezing in this stupid, small, rectangular box. You know I'm cold and you have two empty rooms. I offered you more money to rent one but you just ignore me. It's insanely cold at night. Last night was bad. I had to beg my dog to cuddle with me so I could get warm. You know how cold it is but you don't care. I hate this stupid, small, rectangular box! And I'm beginning to hate you too! You are cruel and not my friend. You use me. You abuse me mentally and emotionally. You are not a good person and will never have my respect and friendship again. Lesson learned. *******!


L. Mack

1/17/2022