'my father said to me, "you want this perfect person you've never met before
to come out of nowhere, fit your life completely, complete you
and make you whole for the first time in your life, much like your mother did for me."
i was seven
and even tho what he said sounds sweet and whatever
what it manifested in my seven year old brain was this,
"if you are not with someone: you are broken.
if you are not with someone: you are incomplete.
if you are not with someone: you are not whole."
and that's not just something my dad made me feel that's something we as society has made every child born in the last 40 years feel.
every disney princess has a prince
every prince has a princess
every television show or movie always has that one character in it that doesn't wanna be in a relationship.
they're happy with who they are.
but by the end of the series, guess what, they we're wrong'

You loathe your last name like a throat full of pain.
When I speak out the letters, a cringe you constrain,
And tighten the wrinkles on top of your brain,
But apologizes naught, from my throat they will stay.
The beauty you hold and forever remain,
Is given back ten-fold and never contained.
The sound of your brand you needn't abstain.
It does not define you, your beauty remains.
Like Helen of Troy or Aphrodite aflame,
Off the tip of my tongue you are one and the same.
Have faith in my soul and the words I proclaim,
Your name on my heart is forever engraved.

I have an extensive knowledge of things
many people might call useless.

I can explain to you the evolution of the Doctor,
the Dalek’s rise and downfall, the breath of a Rose.
Merlin and Arthur live in tandem, two sides of the same coin,
and it’s hard not to see, they mean more than simple friends in their reality.
Castiel, Gabriel, Lucifer, Hael, Michael, Eziekel, Raphael, among many are
the warriors of God, a man who writes comics about the Winchester brothers.
“Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” is my favorite quote from Russell Howard’s Recalibrate,
and Danial Sloss’s bit about jigsaws hits a note, a truth Ed Sheeran does too, in the last line,
“And before I get to love someone else, I’ve got to love myself.”
Of course, they mean romantic love, it can take someone loving you platonically to learn to love yourself.

I crawl around the corners, searching for this information, the tidbits I can throw at people,
Look and see me, I’ve got things you ain’t never seen before, as referenced to Secretariat,
said by Eddie Sweat. Tiny things, picked up from Tumblr, Pinterest, Instagram, ‘tis I, the frenchiest fry’.
I have a store racked with snapshots of a million different stories packed tight in my head and I’m desperately trying to shove these facts to fill this void I cannot fill.

I can tell you blue waffles are Percy’s favorite food, that Nico deserved better and look at me like come and watch the kid with a slowly declining mental health as he attempts to give you what he cannot give himself. Bo Burnham. BBS came from a video featuring a yellow school bus and a fuckton of shouting. Terroriser and Danisnotonfire are comfortable in their gender, and so is my friend Evan. **** the terms and conditions of masculinity, take the signatures and white out the scrawled names, break away from the lines we try to box you in.

Tumblr doesn’t always get it right, often times they get it wrong, but somethings I’ve found on there have helped me calm down a friend from an anxiety attack, have shown me truths I don’t want to see. It also taught me that carrier pigeons could fly eighteen hundred kilometers and were used as early as three thousand years ago. Have you ever seen what fan art can do? The stunning creations made by people who don’t expect any money or expectations? What of the fanfictions? We have to pay for food, water, electricity, but yet we can delve into books, a lifeline for many, for free? Kudos to them.

This is the world I have fought to live in since I can remember. This is the hunger I am trying to sate inside of me, but it only grows and I can’t keep up with it. When I can’t be me… facts, connections, the only places I can feel through are the books, movies, shows, YouTube videos. I make reference after reference, hoping to connect with someone else, to find a place I belong and…

And I can’t stop. I can’t stop. I can’t—