bird of joy forgot to pass by
atleast to come say hi

behid every loud laugh
is long cry
or a cold heart
were a bird of joy is dead
died with silence
without any realization or recognition
maybe cause of the given hard mission
it was un breakable un shakeable

new birds are still born
let our nest bloom to their wants
to get them breading and growing  in there.

I'm missing the smell of sunscreen splattered in white blotches across my wind chapped cheeks, that will soon blend in with the snow
I'm missing the three layers of socks I yank on and stuffing my boots with shakeable hand warmers because my toes always freeze
I miss the sound of heel toe heel toe heel toe as the hard plastic boots click against grated metal stairs down to the buses
I miss the smell of hot chocolate and barbecue in the air and snow flurries tenderly kiss my face floating downwards
I miss the sound of the chair lifts thud thud thud and clicking my skis together to shake off the fresh powder that has accumulated
I miss the sound of my poles hitting each other accidentally, and the dots they make in fresh champagne powder between the glades
I miss the feeling of relief when I ski into the four points lodge by sunshine peak and grab a cafeteria trey and get my usual macaroni and cheese
I miss the feeling of watching snow flurries melt as they land inside my hot chocolate that tastes cheap and watery but so warm
I miss singing songs on the lifts, especially the quads, and deciding which runs to do next, black blue or green?
I miss saying mountain words like "elk head, jackrabbit, slopes, hockey stop, sunshine express, morningside, storm peak, thunder- head" the list goes on
I miss feeling completely at home in a helmet, huge goggles, fleece chilis and a ski jumper
I miss Steamboat, I miss skiing, I can't wait for this year.

i read what i wrote and i just feel stupid. i feel as if i'm careening through life and no amount of thought will help me gain control. this is new. i am new. but what can i do? no amount of thought seems to heal. because i am lost. lost in the wild and theres no one looking for me anymore. time just moves. and i stand still.

i was in love with the world through someone else's eyes.

so here i stand. rooted, yet shakeable. looking for the answers. waiting for the answers.

knowing, i'll never know they're sweet sound in my ear, or the peace they might provide me.

dear sweet woman, i lost my leaves in the earthquake... now i am naked and cold. why stand under me? i can not give you the protection you seek. i do love you though, as i love all things of the night.

She said
“What if before we decided to take the next journey in human form,
Before we said “yes, I’m ready” to touching our feet back down firmly in the soil,
Carrying bits of star dust and cosmos in our hearts,
We sat with Creation - we sat with God - and God laid out our life on a golden scroll, gleaming with the story of our soul - and asked for our yes?
What if we said yes to all of this?”
Said yes to being the one to answer the prayers to be loved with the depth of the oceans by a strong woman.
Said yes to be the holiest mirror of our human brilliance,
Said yes to penetrate the heart down into the DNA and rearrange it to the sound of a sacred hymn,
Said yes to burrow deeply into the soul - making a home with a fire forever burning that not just warms the spaces cold and dark,
But illuminates them with a constant prayer of everything pure, beautiful and true.
Said yes to being a hand that meticulously crafts a road map
back to the innocence of a soul unscathed by the pain we collect through the years, back to place inside we can dwell that is serene.
I think I said yes
To tearing hearts open wide and making space for crystal rivers to clean,
And mountains to emerge that you stand tall upon and love yourself like the first golden light of dawn.
I said yes
To breaking down the walls built with shaking hands
to keep out what hurts
Said yes to lending mine to rebuild the walls of stone and mortar and the first song ever sung,
So that when the world comes crashing down into a billion shattered pieces
Like a star exploding in the furthers chasms of ether,
You can be **** sure you will cast your sunlight down upon all that is broken
And be a pillar of un-shakeable strength
For all to look upon in awe
Of the magnificence you carry deep and pulsing
Within your blood and bones.