I was so hung up on the idea of you, the idea of us. I thought we could move mountains together but I failed to realize what I thought was there was crumbling right before my eyes. Maybe I just imagined a world where we could be together, a world where we could co-exist and be good to each other. I wanted nothing more than this but I'm realizing we're like parallel lines--we can try so **** hard but it doesn't matter, we will never touch despite being a part of the same universe.
2. The flower you gave me lies on my book shelf. Most of it's life has withered away and there's not much left, it's hardly hanging on. I'm thinking this is a metaphor for you and I. There was a time when we were blossoming and growing but then we reached a plateau. We were causing more harm than good but we held on because ****, it hurts to let go.
3. Remember that time I spilled a beer all over myself? It was the first time we saw each other in more than a year and I remember how embarrassed I was. Luckily, I was wearing dark jeans but not so luckily, I was wearing a light pink shirt. I wore my coat all night, zipped it up to the very top. We walked around that night, you talked of your goals and aspirations. Your eyes lit up like a **** star in the sky. For that moment, it was just us and the street lights. I'd go back to it if I could.
4. You told me you were going through this weird stage of life where you were like a ghost, in and out, coming and going as you pleased. I thought I was okay with this and then you left the country for a month. It's not like I was seeing you on a daily basis but I suppose being in the same state brought me comfort. You were never that far away, I could still reach out my fingers and come close to reaching you. I wanted consistency, so bad, but I had to be satisifed with the little pieces of you that you gave me. So I had to pretend it didn't feel like a bee stung my arm when you messaged me like you never left.
5. I miss you the most on Saturday nights, when I'm coming down and I realize something feels off. These nights I miss the sound of your voice and the freckles on your face. I don't think I'm a bad person for wanting to hear from you in these moments. It's always been hard for us to be a part of the same world but I wanted nothing more. You said I treated you like empty calories. I think you're more of an ember but it seems you've forgotten all about the other bits of us. It must've meant more to me than it meant to you.
6. I let you know me--the deepest and darkest parts of me, the scars I keep hidden, the skeletons hidden away in my closet but you never let me now you. It has often come back to me not knowing you, at the very beginning and at the end. Was I supposed to pry you open with a pair of pliers? It's hard to open a lock when you don't know the combination. You can't say I didn't want to know you, I tried so **** hard but you didn't let me. I never knew you could be so cold. And now, I'm shivering.
7. Letting go. I think I should've done this a while ago but I was in denial. My own form of insanity. Breaking my own heart just to see how much I could take. I've watched the sun set over us many times but I need a sun rise. I won't forget how gentle your touch felt.
