It's raining. Hard. Real Hard. In this train full of people. Some were sleeping, some were standing. While I was sitting on my own with my earphones on. It's raining. And I am thinking of what it takes to be a hero.
What is a hero? Have I ever met a hero of my own?
My idea has always been someone who would die for a country, or someone who would sacrifice for someone else. But does it really require dying and sacrificing? What about those who are still alive and living? Ah! The soldiers, indeed they are.
I know of a different and unique soldier. Whom I met up close on the 3rd of June 2017. He was young and beautiful, a little naive, and so were his dreams. He's a soldier for he's battling with his very own self in search of his own life's purpose, of his own self-worth, and of his own love. I believe that his battle is still on, but what makes him the soldier that he truly is, is by the little yet significant things he does for someone else.
My soldier is such a nice and gentle man. He is hardworking, persevering, and well determined to pursue his passions. He always think of the safety of others and of how can he be of any help for them. And he would really get out of his way just to help you. Like accompanying somebody to the hospital just because she has a sick grandfather and is carrying a big ecobag full of adult diapers and underpads. Staying with someone inside the van because it's raining and he just can't allow that someone to lurk alone in the dark and to get wet by the rain.
He's the type who would text you all day to know of your whereabouts so he can wait for you to give you a free ride on your way home, everyday. And if he didn't get to ride you home, he'll stay up all night texting you to make sure that you arrived safe and sound, and only then he could sleep.
He will steal glances at you when you're not looking, and smile away if you ever caught him. He will annoy you and tease you until your stomach hurts while laughing and until you lovingly pinch him, and he will lovingly pull your hand for him to hold to make you feel loved. He will wrap his arms around your waist to pull you close so he can embrace you to make you feel like you are some kind of wonderful. And he will look at you as if you are the only person he sees at the moment.
He's the person to go to after a long tiring day to rant about how your egotistic workmate ruined your day, and he will calm you and tell you to just let it pass and think of him instead because he knows he can make you smile by the very thought of him. He's the person you can share your messy thoughts and whirlwind growing up story with, yet he still thinks you are an amazing woman and will never judge you. And he'll be your best friend. He'll even bring you himself to the hospital should you have your sudden asthma attack, and he'll be worried of you whenever you're sick and ill.
He will share his dreams with you, and he will need you to support and encourage him to go get them and to live his life to the fullest. And he will thank you for it and will send you plenty of kiss and monkey emojis and your favorite heart symbol to let you know that he appreciates you and will encourage you to do the same with your life. He will tell you how much he loves to eat chocolate bread alongside his meal and he will invite you for dinner because he wants to eat it with you and because he knows that you are hungry.
He will pout on you if he knew you've had more than 2 cups of coffee in a day and if you ever got yourself wet by the rain. He's jealous if you try to mention some other guy but will try his best to hide how he feels. That's him, he's not much of a talker but you know that his heart and actions speak otherwise.
He could be your partner-in-crime should you have the lazy urge to get a leave from work, or if you want to have some roundtrip joyride just because you don’t want to go home yet. He will tickle you from time to time, and will kiss you if he has the chance to. He will pick you up at 5am, then he'll make love to you all morning as he tells you that you are some **** and beautiful woman, then you'll have lunch together, and finish your extraordinary day watching movie at a cinema in a newly opened mall as you two try to bully that hardworking janitor mopping the floor.
He's a hundred fold stubborn, ironic, silly, childlike, selfish, foolish and impulsive at times. But you will love him even more because of them. And you are lucky enough that you were able to get to see those traits that makes him the imperfect yet the real man that he is. He will never ask you to wait for him, but because you are more stubborn than he is, you will still wait anyway. And he'll teach you what it's like to love somebody unconditionally because he will attempt to leave you and to bid you goodbye for several times, and you still want him, and love him anyway. He will give you the feels that you haven't felt for a long time. He will make you feel alive, more alive than ever before. He'll give you a sanctuary in his arms, and he'll be your peace and you know you don't have to ask for anything and for anyone else. And you will never want to loose him ever.
He will help you appreciate all the good things in life, every great thing there is, and you'll see that everything happens for a reason and that every thing is a blessing. You will experience what Carpe Diem means. He will complete your day in a way that no one else ever has. He will deepen your faith because you will end up staring at him while praying to The Lord, crying, thanking Him for bringing this man to your life and that He may never take him away from you and that He'll grant you a lifetime to spend together with. Because with him, everything just feel so right sooo **** right like all the stars out there and destiny itself are bringing you closer to each other and nothing could separate you apart and that together, nothing seems impossible.
This soldier will do everything to make you happy, and to see that smile on your face. He will never want to see you sad and even more to see you cry. But just like any other soldier, there's always a sacrifice that he had to make; and that is he will break your heart to let go of you and set you free because he thinks that you don't deserve him... Because he doesn't have the courage to tell you that he loves you, and he thinks that that's the way he can prove that he really do loves you.. That he'd rather be your friend, and you'd rather be his friend.
And that's the soldier whom I loved and adored so dearly. Yes, I have found one. He is the hero of my own. And because I love him, I have no other choice but to accept and live every day that I can only be his friend. But being his friend doesn't mean that I would stop loving him. For he just gave me a new beginning. The beginning of loving him from afar. The beginning of resting my faith with fate and of trusting the power of true love.
To love such hero has been one of the best privilege I could ever have my entire life. And I am always so proud of him. And the hardest part of loving my hero is to reciprocate the sacrifice he made for me, to let go..
It's not going to be easy, it will never be. For I will have to face my every day alone with a broken heart, longing for his presence. Because he was the hero who has made my heart whole again, and so he's the one who can tear it up again. But if it will make him happy, then maybe he's better off without me because I will never be enough. How can a hero possibly deserve some woman like me who just happened to love him in such unrequited way. Just some woman who made him her world. Just some woman whose own battle is to fight for his love.
But to me, my life will never be the same again because he will always be, my love, my friend, my soldier, and MY HERO. And I would still choose to be with him on both good and bad times all over again. I would still choose to have my heart broken by him if it's the only way for us to fall in love again. And I would fall in love with him all over and over again all the days of his life with every ounce of love left in me. And I will always love him and wait for the day that he shall finally win his battle that he doesn't have to search anymore, because (hopefully) he knew he had found him, he had found me, and he had found us. And we shall win every battle yet to come, together.
And so you see? A hero doesn't have to die to become one. Sometimes, he just needs to love. You just need to love him irrevocably in order to bring out the best out of the soldier in him.
Not a true story. Wrote this while riding the Metro Rail Transit on a stormy day, and yes, there are soldiers inside the train.
