I have two facts for you that exist in my mind -
1. I am normal
2. I do not 'feel' normal
I have never considered myself to be normal.
I knew i wasn't normal when at the age of eight after my Dad left my school hired a counsellor just for me,
and i wasn't normal how after then i was the only pupil to be from a single parent family.
I wasn't normal when just after this abandonment my body entered early puberty,
and so feeling weird didn't stay a feeling, it became a reality.
Picked on for things out of my control, i felt like a freak.
Even at the age of eight, every aspect of my identity was up for scrutiny.
I knew i wasn't normal when in secondary school i would purposely get detentions
to spend time with teachers, because the the turmoil of the school yard was a teenage no man's land.
The company of those my own age is something i will never understand.
I knew i wasn't normal when i would hesistate in conversation when someone asked me who i fancied in my class.
The name of a random boy rolled from my tongue in an attempt to not blow my cover.
I knew i wasn't normal when my tweets coming out as bi were passed around like breaking news.
When i tried to defend myself in the interrogations, teachers would sternly say to me -
'That's not appropriate to be talking about in school' like my sexuality was a hushed secret, even though the straight girls were never silenced.
I knew i wasn't normal when i had to say i was bi, when in fact this was a lie. A lie to help me pass, pass and hold on to some straight privilege.
At the age of sixteen i questionned my worth and value as a person, trying to blame myself for the treatment i was subjected to.
I knew i wasn't normal when i decided to place my emotional pain onto a physical space, then patching up the damage as a form of ironic self-care.
I left school for a college, desperately seeking freedom from the constraints of a Catholic school.
I never felt comfortable in sixth form, being there my mind felt like a spinning waltzer i was strapped to for two years.
At seventeen i knew i wasn't normal when i was prescribed the maximum dose of sertraline, then mirtazapine, venlafaxine, fluoxetine.
By this point in my life i was on a tally of maybe six counsellors and two CBT therapists.
I knew i wasn't normal when i started to blame myself for the therapy not being successful. Maybe i was just meant to be depressed.
Changing my thinking styles, emotional regulation, journalling my feelings and triggers, i knew exactly what i had to do.
I knew i wasn't normal when i clung onto certin things as comfort, like my adoration for florence and the machine.
I started to experiment, toying between wanting to fit in and wanting to be myself, painting bright eyeshadow on my lids as a vibrant mask to carry me through.
I knew i wasn't normal when i reached out to the local crisis team experiencing auditory hallicinations, hearing sounds only meant for my ears.
My emotional states are a product of my trauma, which is difficult to navigate as the world's greatest performer.
Maybe i was meant to face this internal torment, or until now i hadn't considered i could be neurodivergent.

SHE CELEBRATED MY BIRTH BY SMILING TO MY ANGELS. INTUITION HAS ALWAYS PROTECTED ME FROM ALL DANGERS.
NO ONE HAD TAUGHT ME ANYTHING ABOUT THIS LOYAL AND DEPENDABLE FRIEND NOR DID I EVER QUESTION HER AUTHENTICITY AND LOVE BLEND.
I NEVER QUESTIONNED HER MESSAGES OF TRUTH EVEN IF AT TIMES THEY WERE WARNINGS
AND WHEN I DID NOT HEED HER COUNSEL I PAID THE PRICE FOR NOT LISTENING.
INTUITION ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR MY HIGHEST GOOD AND GROWTH.
SHE PROTECTS ME AND GUIDES ME ONTO THE RIGHT PATH BOTH.
THE BEST PART IS THAT THERE IS NO NEED FOR CONSCIOUS REASONING ON MY END.
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT IT IS A TOTAL KNOWINGNESS INSTEAD.
OVER THE YEARS I HAVE LEARNED TO TRUST AND OBEY MY INTUITION, IT FUELED FOR ME AN ACCELERATED ASCENCION.
I WANTED YOU TO MEET MY BEST FRIEND INTUITION BECAUSE I BELIEVE THAT WE EACH HAVE THE SAME BEST FRIEND IN OUR RESPECTIVE INTUITION

I´ll get so hurt inside,
When I don´t know what I´m doing,
I´ll be so focussed on one person,
One person I want to love.

When I meet the person,
He shows me love,
But when we don´t see eachother,
The fire reaches to my soul.

Why isn´t the love as pure as it is in reality,
Why can´t u show me the same love,
Our love is being questionned,
Because you don´t know how to stay.

You love the moment,
But you love to live your life too,
You love the taste of every bit of life,
You´ll grab it and throw it easily away.

I´m holding my heart,
After 1 million attemps for love
I´m trying to survive the pain again,
Trying to live again,
This shouldn´t have happenned if it would not last,
I´m in a black hole,
And do not want to get out of it.