“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
this quote,
it strikes me in the heart
a sharp blade of truth and fear
of knowing what i know.
loner is a strong word,
and yet i keep telling you that is what i am,
i don't fit in, never have, i don't want to,
oh, but how i do.
solitude is a long word,
highlighted again and again and again,
because rather than "face my demons"
i prefer to stay at home, alone,
not that you'd know.
it's odd how often i seek solitude,
how often i wish to stay in a place where there is no one, to judge me
or look at me
or rate me
or ask me how i'm doing
or shun me for my grades/pass/fail
i am not numbers on paper,
i am not an email of red and green dots
i am not a string of senseless symbols on a portfolio,
i am not a percentage or a candidate number
i am a person
i am me
and i expect to be treated as such, but i
am too afraid to tell you that
no, not afraid, anxious,
why?
you tell me.
disappoint,
a harsh word,
something i've seen in your eyes many times,
something i've always associated with,
it's hard to type this out,
because those ten letters
(ten is a lovely round number)
because those ten letters
will always haunt me,
a ghost of my past, present and i fear, my future,
i try,
i try,
i try,
i try,
but i can't
not when you make it difficult,
people speak of how they can tell their mothers anything and yet,
i find it hard to even say hello,
so yes, disappoint is the right word,
in more than one way,
i don't say this with conviction, because i don't think you deserve it,
(and yet somehow i do)
but i'm sorry.
