Dear Frustrated,
These are the things I wasn’t brave enough to say to you,
even in text.
I didn’t lose my phone, or your number or track of time. I
can assure you there is no message mysteriously stuck
in my outbox, just waiting to be sent. There was no family
emergency and I’m not just “working through some stuff”
right now. I am not too busy at work, or out of credit and I
have good service.
I have made the regrettable, yet conscious decision not to
text you anymore.
I have all but convinced myself that being open and
honest would only hurt your feelings, even though I know
it’s a lie. I know that what I’m doing is not fair, but right
now, my fear is stronger than my guilt.
I never set out to hurt you, but suddenly, I can see no
other ending to this story.
You aren’t imagining things.
There was a time when things were good, even great. We
did connect. I did really like you.
The smiles, the jokes, the intimate moments—they were
all real.
But then, something happened that made me realize
we’re not quite compatible.
I wish I could tell you that it’s not your fault—that there’s
nothing you could have done differently—that the problem
really isn’t you.
The problem is that I believe we want different things. I
can’t quite put my finger on it, but in my mind, we see the
world through different glasses, we speak a different
language and we live in different futures.
And while I may be able to make you happy right now,
I realize that I won’t be able to make you happy in the
long run.
I know you must think I’m an a**hole for what I’m doing—
that I’m stonewalling you because I don’t care about your
feelings. In truth, I’m simply scared. My emotions make
me so uncomfortable, that when I try to express myself,
my words get tangled.
I am worried that if I attempt to tell you how I feel, I will
accidentally say the wrong thing and offend you. If only I
was willing to endure that one, slightly awkward
conversation, I’d save you months of frustration.
Instead, I have chosen to withdraw.
I will lock up my feelings, as I always do and pretend they
don’t matter. I will ignore my guilt and tell myself, this is
for the best.
I know it’s too late, but, I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for putting my own emotional welfare ahead of
yours.
I’m sorry for dragging you behind me while I try to make
my cowardly escape.
I’m sorry for making you feel like you’re going crazy.
And finally, I’m sorry for ever giving you a reason to doubt
yourself.
The way I have tried to deal with this situation
is proof that you deserve better.
You deserve someone who is willing to say the wrong
thing, to have the awkward, necessary conversations.
You deserve someone who isn’t afraid of their emotions,
who is willing to be vulnerable and share themselves
completely.
More than anything, you deserve to be happy. And while
no one person can ever give that to you, you deserve
someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to help
you find your happiness within.
