I didn't know exactly what your name was for a long while. You've been inside of me on numerous occasions. Sometimes when you visit, you stay for weeks, other times you might only visit for a day - whatever the length of your visit you never cease to leave me questioning my ..sanity  (If sanity exists any more)?

I can’t tell whether you’re part of me, or if you’re merely a confused visitor, who happened to once find some empty cavity in me that could foster you for a while, and have since returned from mere convenience. Either way, I still haven’t yet decided whether I like your company or not. We shall see.

I appreciate that you never let me become too content. You omnipresently remind me that I do not deserve to be too happy, too blissfully at peace with my surroundings. I thank you for that. It reminds me what I need to do, who I need to help, what I should do, and who I should be helping.

I don’t like how guilty you make me feel. I don’t like how I've grown to become frightened of what you might, one day, make me become. You've made me think and consider things I've only ever shunned others for thinking and doing. Why the **** do you do that? Do you know how confused it makes me? You've made me feel like I'm only controlling about 90% of what goes on up there. I hate that feeling. I'm still in control, I know that much - but even that measly 10% that you've taken from me makes me feel robbed.

You've made me doubt my aspirations. This is what I probably hate you the most for. I know I want to write. I want to write about the people who deserve to be written about. I want to sit with them, I want to watch and feel their suffering, and I want to somehow translate that into words and put it in print for the world to read. But I don’t want what I write to become merely a story to the people who read it. I want them to read it, and feel it seep into their skin. I want them to feel the pain of the people whose pain I am writing to them about. I never want what I make to simply become a ‘show’ to people. But I can’t do that. That’s not how people are made.

You make me think I adamantly hate people. I know I don’t, I hope I don’t - but you trick me into thinking it with such conviction that, when you decide to leave me, I'm left wondering whether it was really you or I who put that in my head in the first place.

There are bad people in the world. Hell, most of us are bad. We are horrible. Our morals and our beliefs turn us into things we never wanted to be, but somehow all ended up as. And once we've become a monster, very rarely can we become the pure, good, perfect things we were born as.

But, I know that some people have goodness in them. I hope that I am one of them. It frightens me like nothing else to think that, maybe, I am not a good person. That I am as disgusting as the people who switch the channel when something comes on their television that isn't a fictional drama, comedy, ******-mystery, whatever, because they find it unpleasant. Or because it doesn't effect them.

I don’t want to be just another person who donates money to charities, walks around in old, inexpensive clothing, volunteers and help people, and does it because she wants people to look at her and think “****, she’s a good person”. I don’t want people to think of me as a good person. I don’t want people to think of me at all. I don’t want people to know what I do, why I do it, or how I do it. I just want to do the things I can, have people benefit from them, then remember the THINGS. Not the face or the name of the person who did them.

I want a stranger to think “Someone gave a homeless person their shoes. I could do that. I could give a homeless person my shoes. I have another pair, I don’t need them. That’s what I’ll do” and do it. Then maybe someone will see them and do it also. But to think that someone would think of the deed then link it to me, or to a face generally - that repulses me. It repulses me into thinking that, somehow, every person nowadays is objectified, and every object is personified. And it’s terrifying.

I go to sleep every night with that thought in my head. I don’t know who to blame for putting it there. If it was you, Electra, just make it clear that that’s the case. I will forgive you. I will still let you come back when you have nowhere else to go. I would just like to know.

For now, that’s all I have to say to you. I hope your stay is comfortable, and you’re experiencing a pleasant refuge from whatever you are hiding from. When you next leave, please make sure to leave me what is mine. I often find myself feeling, after your visits, that part of what I had has left with you - which, generally wouldn't bother me, except I've never gotten those bits back.

Thanks.
Love, your ever-accommodating E.

10/20/14
I have learned something over a long period of time, and it just so happens to be that no matter how many texts I send to you, and no matter what words I speak, its hopeless that you will listen to me. But, nevertheless, I will still try and get a response from you.
I know nothing I say will make a difference, but hey, its worth a try, right?. Well, I hope you know I did love you. I guess a part of me will always love you, just like it does for everyone I've ever met. I have never been in love with someone so much as to them be infatuated with me. I have never fully given myself to them because I know what heartbreak is, believe me. I know how it's like a hurricane inside your chest and how it omnipresently tries to collapse in on itself to feel pain. I know what its like. You know it just as well as I do.

What I have also learned over the course of you ignoring me, is that: just because someone didn't love you the way you wanted them to, doesn't mean they didn't love you with everything they had. And until we have seen someone's darkness, we don't really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone's darkness, we don't really know what love is. Remember how I told you I have insomnia, along with a whole other list of problems? Well, I learned to fall asleep. I used to thumb through old messages and it just made my heart ache even more than it already did, so I erased them. It hurts so badly to keep everything inside me so of course I'm going to let it all out. I cling onto memories of people and What-Ifs and the unknown and its all just utterly insane of me to do so, so I'm stopping. Sometimes, we believe that this world is an indistinguishable shade of gray, when in reality, its more black and white than we expect it to be. I was not happy with who I was, so I'm changing.

This has nothing to do with you, my whole changing situation. All there is left too do, really, is forgive and forget. I have already forgiven you for saying what you did to me. I always knew that you weren't mine to keep. That is why I kissed you an extra thousand times and told you that it was just a bad habit of kissing you repeatedly. That is why I always gazed an extra few seconds before I looked away and that is why I stayed up lay all those nights because I was too busy worrying about you than to get any rest myself. I had tried so hard to memorize every curve and every freckle on your body and the amount of pressure you use when you hugged me tightly, so that when you left I would not forget what it was like to be with you physically. I listened closely whenever you spoke words to me so I would be able to replace them in my mind whenever I was in need of them on one of my bad nights. That is why I always told you that I loved you and whenever I said so I hug you as tight as I possibly could even when I was crying in your arms behind the bleachers and you had no idea what the reason was for. Your body had pressed against mine and I can feel your fragile shoulders press against my chest. I knew that your scent would linger on my body long after we kissed goodbye. I had a feeling that one day when I woke up you were not going to be there and therefore I would be exceptionally upset, to the point of mental breakdown. So I took up your arms in your hug and I continue to cry even though you had no idea why such a storm fell from my eyes. and oh God do I wish that I could have told you at that moment why I was crying because i know that you wrapping your arms even tighter around me would be the equivalent to me taking a trip up to heaven and never coming down again. And sometimes things in life are simply built just so they can break and I guess that human hearts are the exact same thing with the exact same concept. I knew that your arms are not mine to keep and therefore I had felt very selfish to be held by them as I cried silently. You know, we have both been through undeniably tragic heartbreaks, and yes I know this is one of them. And now I am deeply starting to wish that I had never memorized the shape of your body or the touch of your skin because I have come to the realization that I could never forget you.

Even if you think that I lied to you I just want you to know that I never did. No matter how many times I have ****** up in my life, you were not part of any cycle. You are not an experiment, or a little game that I could play, or even a dare from one of my friends to try out. No, you are so much more than that. And if you fail to realize that I loved you, then that is on you. Like I have told you before, I loved you the best that I possibly could and if that is not enough for you then I'm afraid that that is your problem.
Lies are beautiful. The truth is what's ugly. But you see, the thing is, there was not one lie when I told you that I loved you. And if that makes it ugly, then so be it.

I apologize if there are a few words or phrases that have been mispelt in this letter to you.  I apologize for a lot of things, but I do not apologize for loving you. And that is a fact.

~meghan julia.

This doodling Yankee (boot noah dandy)
doth newt lack chutzpah,
tries to finagle Fitbit fitting figurative footwear,
that ideally Fitzhugh
like custom made glove snugly,
terrifically, unequivocally matching,
thence handily solving Finger hut issue,
when or if arctic blasts cold
doggedly enveloped Gaea,
whence  humans analogously held hostage
linkedin among fellow Earthlings freezing,
frost bitten, gangrenous hominids
scurrying haphazardly searching vainly
from shelter ring sky (with mother's little helper)
each primate scrambling

(as unrepentant, recalcitrant outlier)
once (what seems millenniums ago) livingsocial
jackknifed habitat fractured,
essentially damning Crispr bungled ambition
grist for raconteur spewing sought aide
telling tales amidst the mill by  Ponderosa Pine
drawing a crowd of curious onlookers,
who forewent idling away time structured existence,
thus, nary a clock watcher weathering whims
as mother nature doth channel
capriciously, felicitously,

and indubitably stripped away
bow ring pastime asper watching paint dry
now tis each man, woman and child to
(seeketh dale and hill) to duff fend themselves
whereat mortality will steal immoral majority linkedin
encapsulated, housed, kindled
within luxurious faux existence
capitalistic dreams engendered existence fleeced
devoid of featherbed,

indeed mollycoddled memories
yanked wherein current rank and file
endowing superlative creature comforts
reduce wretched survivors
scant band of bare naked ladies
beastie boys, foo fighters espying counting crows
ready to buzzfeed toe kin **** sapiens

bereft, expunged, faux invincibility kickstarting
learning basic survival skills
forced to rescind twenty first century trappings
shifting paradigm sans primacy
pitting dishabille helpless imps against pearl jam killers
who do not shrink from ethically principled,

but give full reign to selfish callous deleterious foibles,
gruesome harmful indiscretions
sprouting with mushroom rhizome rapidity
ousting the  omnipresently
(well nigh since time immemorial
virtues cultivated, futilely integrated, lending oomph
residentially, scientifically tendering ubiquitous DNA
foisting gabled, heralded, instilled,

justified kneaded love thy neighbor motto
lyft ting in one fell swoop delicately
embroidered, finely graven, heavenly ideals
no more patent leather shoes reflecting up
nor doodling Yankee staking claim to fame
via feathered cap made of macaroni
thus such jingoistic, holistic,
fabric ripped retroactively
ramping atavistic simian base,
thus leveling the playing field.

only as a tongue does as
a mind thinks as a clock ticks
as a face slick with perspiration
clicks on some rhyme I'm

word processing

transforming ringing phrases
one way
into alphabets and parlayed
transitions

coded arrived soon on desks
in hearts spanning decades
transcribed
thinking

along a way inconceivably
furled coiled condensed
meant technologically
unthinkable

immensity unable to
be seen without getting
mentally naked cold alone
dense

paths unfooted go that
way along a dry step one foot
forward two back
discoveries

you must sense more than see
an analogy
patrolling the edge
of reality

and really what is was
what was is but
must that be

I set out on a quest
to find the boundaries
oft kept
only by a dream

or fantasy and how then
I might make it
were I
omnipresently

competent

As the saying goes
Tis better to have loved and lost
Then never loved at all
But as close as we got
The farther that became
Now all love is lost
The pain tho is never lost
It has omnipresently camouflaged itself
Stalking your every movement
Which pain carves deeper
Thoughts of when everything was perfect
Or the look in your eyes
When you stare into mine
And see that your true love
No longer feels a thing at all.

Celestial Darkness spread out above
Rapidly a big bright star named Sun grew
Enticing the moon with it's bright white love
And from their union the stars did spew
Together they roamed hand in hand
Independent of each other and yet linked
Omnipresently shining on the land
Notable and succinct

We have sank on the seesaw of the crossed wind

Words that flew omnipresently
With as much pain as damage

Each in their trench, huddled and clenching their fists waiting for the wind to cease.

This doodling Yankee
(boot noah dandy)
doth newt lack chutzpah,
tries to finagle Fitbit
fitting figurative footwear,
that ideally Fitzhugh
like custom made glove snugly,
terrifically, unequivocally matching,
thence handily solving Finger
hut two three four issue,
when or if arctic blasts cold

doggedly enveloped Gaea,
whence  humans analogously held hostage
linkedin among fellow Earthlings freezing,
frost bitten, gangrenous hominids
scurrying haphazardly searching vainly
from shelter ring sky
(with mother's little helper)
each primate scrambling
(as unrepentant, recalcitrant outlier)
once (what seems millenniums ago) livingsocial

jackknifed habitat fractured,
essentially damning Crispr bungled ambition
grist for raconteur spewing sought aide
telling tales amidst the mill
by Ponderosa Pine
drawing a crowd of curious onlookers,
who forewent idling away
time structured existence,
thus, nary a clock watcher weathering whims
as mother nature doth channel

capriciously, felicitously, and indubitably
stripped away facade housing Potemkin Village
bow ring pastime asper watching paint dry,
now tis each man, woman and child to
(seeketh dale and hill re:)
to duff fend themselves,
whereat mortality will steal
immoral majority linkedin
encapsulated, housed, kindled
within luxurious faux charade existence

capitalistic dreams engendered existence fleeced
devoid of featherbed,
indeed mollycoddled memories
yanked wherein current rank and file
endowing superlative creature comforts
reduce wretched survivors
scant band of bare naked ladies
beastie boys, foo fighters
espying counting crows
ready to buzzfeed toe kin **** sapiens

bereft, expunged, faux invincibility kickstarting
learning basic survival skills
forced to rescind twenty first century trappings
shifting paradigm sans primacy
pitting dishabille helpless imps
against pearl jam killers
who do not shrink
from ethically principled covenant,
but give full reign to selfish
callous deleterious foibles,

gruesome harmful indiscretions
sprouting with mushroom rhizome rapidity
ousting the  omnipresently
(well nigh since time immemorial
virtues cultivated, futilely
integrated, lending oomph
residentially, scientifically
tendering ubiquitous DNA
foisting gabled, heralded, instilled,
justified kneaded love thy neighbor motto

lyft ting in one fell swoop delicately
embroidered, finely graven, heavenly ideals
no more patent leather shoes reflecting up
nor as iterated doodling uber Yankee
staking claim to fame
via feathered cap made of macaroni
thus such jingoistic, holistic,
fabric ripped retroactively
ramping atavistic simian base,
thus leveling the playing field.