Today I cried,
my chest tight
and my heart racing.

My mother just left me home alone,
and my father was at work.

I had the blades sitting right next to me,
and bottles of pills on my desk.

I looked into the mirror,
my stomach flat
and a thigh gap so big.
Yet all I saw was fat,
so much fat.

I puked and puked,
until I couldn't feel anything
until my body begged to stop
until I could barely move.

Then I screamed,
so loud the dogs barked
and my throat was raw.

I punched the mirror,
it shatter under my fist.
just like my heart did when Olli left.

Olli,
he used to be my everything.
he used to keep me safe in my darkest moments.
Now though he hates me.
He no longer wants anything to do with me.

I get though I'm ugly.

I am…



Chinese food and sushi, cottage cheese and frozen cocoa;



Skinny jeans and high-tops, hoodies, beanies and makeup;



Animal rescue, cats, dogs, birds, rabbits, and other wildlife;



My own person, individual and original, expressive and human;



Fluffy comforters, fuzzy socks, pillows and stuffed animals;



A best friend, shy but eccentric when you get to know me;



A large book, with actual pages and not the swiping of screens and big, chunky glasses;



Classical and Motown, pop and dubstep, rock and metal, opera and indie;



Earphones, laptops, coffee and warm blankets;



Rainy days, foggy mornings, snow falling softly and crisp leaves descending from the trees above;



Tears, angst, pain, self-consciousness, and anxiousness;



The colors black and red, silver and gold, grey and bronze, green and purple;



Not a child, scared for the future, not ready to leave high school;



Dodge trucks, Model T’s, Mustangs, Hummers, and Jeeps;



A student in high school, a senior, a chief;



Quotes and lyrics, poetry and words;



A dreamer, often heartbroken, caring, compassionate, a troublemaker;



Sunglasses and ripped flip-flops, swimsuits, and sunscreen;



Fingerless gloves and jackets, boots and leggings;



Chocolate and ice cream, pizza and root beer;



Roses and geraniums, petunias and lilies;



Christmas lights, smooth jazz, comfy couches, fluffy pillows, photography;



Just like everyone else but nothing like them, obstinate, a rebel;



Garage sales, thrift stores, flea markets, and savvy spending;



Late nights and TV, Starbucks and musicals;



Fall and winter, sweaters and cocoa;



Bonfires, smores, shorts and Glacier Cherry Gatorade;



Vanilla and cinnamon, Irish Spring body wash and the smell of cigarettes;



Old Spice, Axe, ***, and musk;



Always there for people when they most need me;



Not perfect by any means;



Not math or science, algebra or astronomy;



Not easy to get to know yet an open book;



Not crafty but love art;



Definitely not a model but love showing off new clothes and designs;



Not the best listener to instructions, but knows lyrics to so many songs;



I am Olli, a human being.



I am me.

We are human

I didn’t make a choice

I didn’t want this

It just happened

I exist

Even though sometimes I don’t want to

Because this just gets way too hard

I am a boy.

Yeah, I still get my periods

I still have long hair

And these stupid ****

(I can’t wait to get rid of those)!

But I’m a guy.

Pronouns?

Oh!

Those are he/him.

Name?

Olliver Orion.

But you can call me Olli.

I don’t follow any specific religion.

I’m not atheist, either.

I’m kind of a skeptic

But I’m not sure what exactly to believe.

I kinda just am.

Problem?

Oh well.

**** it.