Washingtonians, this Wednesday afternoon, come to the Starbucks on 1600 K Street to become acquainted with some young, interesting, average income level Asian American guys and gals. Instead of meeting Asian American doctors, lawyers, and consultants, you’ll meet Dr. Dre copycats, alcoholic paralegals, and T-Mobile wireless salespeople.

These guys and gals are looking to meet new friends that include: white, black, Hispanic, or any other race of people, just as long as you aren’t a F.O.B. Because after all, they don’t want to perpetuate the stereotype that Asians only hang out with other Asians. Just kidding, we love our F.O.B brothers and sisters! But **** stereotypes.

If you are a Washingtonian who likes drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana, stop by and make a new Asian American friend who will provide mixers and match you on a blunt. Please, do not ask these guys and gals for college study notes for Math or Bio, because all of them have dropped out of college to pursue their artistic passions, like: writing a novel about having a white group of friends and being the token who reads Tolkien and likes Toking; playing electric guitar in a grunge, punk, post-emo garage band with your black buddies who like Fugazi and bad brains but ******* hate Green day for selling out; and drawing sketches and painting portraits of the half-Asian girl you’re dating on a wide canvass, but really you’re secretly into selfies and taking photos of breakfast on Instagram.

We don’t discriminate against the kind of alcohol you drink, whether it be wine, beer, or liquor—within reason please don’t bring Franzia or Rolling rock, this isn’t college anymore. Yes, we get it, you’re highly considering attending this group because you’re a huge Haruki Murakami fan and you’re wondering two questions: are our Japanese American patrons also huge fans of the author, and do our patrons behave in a similar fashion to Murakami’s characters like Toru Watanabe and Toru Okada?

First, our Japanese American patrons are huge fans of Murakami and they own books like Sputnik Sweetheart and The Windup Bird Chronicle, but they also think the author often is obsessed with Western culture, in a way that possibly, and seriously possibly transforms him into a Brett Easton Ellis derivative based on Ellis’s American ****** and Glamorama.

Second, no these particular patrons do not behave like Murakami’s characters, because they’re real, living, breathing human beings, and not some fantasy figure or made-up person! But enough of the rant, please come though and let’s have conversations about jazz and talking cats.

While we respect Asian American actors like Ken Jeong and Randall Park, we really aren’t interested in having a lengthy dialogue about The Hangover’s Asian **** scene, or how Park was kinda offensively funny in The Interview. Although Park is awesome in Fresh Off The boat! All we really want is to just drink jack and cokes and smoke Marlboro lights and have conversations about the latest trends in indie rock and Hip Hop culture, and whether Citizen Kane was better than Casablanca, or vice versa.

At the meeting, we will have our guest speaker Jeremy Lin’s college roommate George Park answer questions about Lin, as well as a special appearance by Steve Yuen’s ex-girlfriend Marcy Abernathy who will give us an inside scoop to Yuen’s fetishes as well as his quirky habits. We will also be providing free snacks like LSD Pho noodle soup and Marijuana Mochi ice-cream. On a serious note, we’ll be giving out guilt-free Twinkies.

Before you arrive at the Starbucks, you’ll be getting a name tag and a free A.A.A T-shirt that wasn’t made by little children from China; instead, the shirts are made by Ronald Mai, our aspiring fashion designer whose twitter handle is @thatsmyshirtwhiteman! If you’re interested in coming out to the group our first meeting is this Wednesday at 6 p.m.

Leave your apprehension at the door and walk in with a warm smile, as you’re greeted by an expressionless face. And phoreal if your car is messed up and you require a ride, please call A.A.A’s number at (202) 576-2AAA (we know we’re phunny). Hope to see you there, and if you don’t come, you’re a ******* racist! But seriously come out and meet some cool *** people.

i found myself last night whispering your name under the shield of my duvet, willing myself to pronounce every syllable of your name to the darkness of my room. i looked up to the plastic stars on my ceilings, remainders of the childhood i once had, and said it:

“yoon. jeong. han”

every syllable clear and true.

and it occurred to me,
how beautiful your name was.

“yoon” — the moon and the whistles of the wind, lulling me into dreamland.
“jeong” — a masculine edge.
and finally, the concluding “han” that returns it into its original softness.

clean milky way.

i’ve never expected to fall for a boy with your name. but i’ve always been fascinated with the universe and all the bright lights surrounding our blue planet. so i guess, it is only fitting for me to fall for a boy whose name means “clean milky way”

so i whispered your name over and over into the night.
yoon jeonghan.
yoon jeonghan.
yoon jeonghan.
until the taste of it becomes as familiar as the quiet.
and i swear, i saw the plastic stars on the ceiling growing brighter with every syllable.

i whispered and whispered until i fell into morpheus’ charm, and awoke with a new realization:

*your name is my favorite sound.

i can't wait until we go through with 25A
once we remove trump from office
then ALL of our problems will go away
& world peace will be here to stay

i better start practicing telling everyone
what they can and can not say.

LOVE
This word
Made worlds turn upside down
L
   O
       V
           E
That feeling you have
When you see the wild ocean for the first time
When you see how white the snow is for the first time

As you dig deeper
You will know
that ..

You can drown
In that same water, you prized
You can freeze to death
In the same feathery snowflakes
That fascinated  you
By their unique shape
By their glimmering

As you dig deeper
You will know
How sweet it is that feeling of love
And being loved

" it's better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all "

A mixed haphazard feeling

L  i  k  e    T H a t   F e e L i n g  

WHEN ...
you taste that first sip of coffee
from your favorite mug
in a sunny spring day

WHEN ....

you smile at a stranger
and smiles back

you travel with no destination
and the universe keeps on surprising u

you dance like no one's watching

you sleep under the stars

you can't sleep
because you are excited for the next day

you are running into someone
you haven’t seen in a while

you draw a big smile
on the faces of your loved ones

See, do you see?
free cat roams
free cat lives its multiple lives
curly tail and rich fur and shiny eyes
across the Korean landscape of Jeong Seon;
and do you hear?
Free cat purrs:

*“it’s nice, dear Cat God
to be free and open
and I like it I owe you no obedience
unlike those miserable humans;
in your wisdom
you make crickets and large insects appear
and I make them disappear –
you and I are equal partners in the cycle of life,
dear Cat God;
and a rat in the wild
and some water in a secluded pool
and all these fresh air and hidden nests
I like all that, I like it this way
(And I don’t a give a meow or cat-**** for humans
and their elegant cats lying on cushions)
And of course,
when the passion seizes me
in here in the open,
there’s always a ***** cat, ready and wet
and we wail and meow all night
Hey Cat God -
I like it this way, feral in the wild”

summer,
a little before midnight,
the AC’s keeping half the sweat off our backs
thank god it’s not humid
we are sitting on his bed,
well
I’m laying between his legs
on top of him
faces inches away from each other,
it’s not ******
or romantic
but it’s something?

I hope I’m not crushing him,
but he holds me
as I press my face into his shoulder
and ask if I’m too much,
he says sometimes
but don’t worry so much,
I sigh
tracing his soft back with my fingers,
thinking how often we argue,
no that’s too strong a word
how often we disagree
better

it’s at those times
I wanna peel myself off that
that motormouth
and scream into a pillow,
but as I lay on him,
for all the times I can’t see or stand his
bluntness,
in the aftermaths
I’m always grateful for him,
challenging my ego
to be so openly
himself

the knots in my shoulders are
worth it
I pull him in even closer,
kissing his cheek,
interlacing our fingers,
the AC can barely keep up
don’t worry,
I won’t marry him
I won’t date him
**** I won’t even sleep with him,
not that he’d let me do any of the above

right now though,
his heart’s beating against mine
and I’m wondering about
the imperfect people
I let into my self
and how much we miscommunicate,
but never stop trying
and maybe,
that makes it worth it.

eric is a fat pasty faced white man
who votes for joe biden
eric is a closet racist
but wants everyone to wear a mask
he wants to shut down the economy
so he gets a free pass

the last person i felt this way about
was named ed murray

sarah jeong is an ugly person
who doesn't belong to womanhood
except there are so many ***** just like her

sarah jeong is asian and unattractive
she writes about the racist white
but is only attracted to white men

i don't think eric is gay
because the women at work hate him

eric probably vacations in thailand
eric's mother did a terrible job raising him