<!>
inspired by a conversation with Maira Kalman


******* a name, adopt a persona, let my fingers do the talking,
place the instrumental sharp point tip upon the blankety blank paper,
maestro baton raised, coordinating,
the first sound, the vocal chords trembling,  
the first thought, the ultrasound image, entrance of a first violin,
coalescing into, into the initializing single primary phonation,
the stinging geometry of chance at last,
throwing  down the gauntlet, glove slapping, and the
tendons tense, the mouth opens, release and indentation,
a letter's curvature, a black and white downward stroking,
a sign is televised, revealed and released

a one way only sign

time bends knee, gravity suspended, terror morphs to
expelling rapid firefights of imagery needy for spacing,
even pauses mid-word  leave just this:

where is the in in
intimate?

are you the in in
inmate,
or the jailor at the gate?

you swear never again

until committing once more,

a sentence commutation, by committing a first sentence,

and the greater toll taken and paid for,

and the in in in-nate,
questions your sanity

happily


<•>

9/17/17 10:55pm

a plain poem (the first time I came in you)*

a plain poem, light and effervescent, a flim-flan tasting,
plein de absurde rimes, full of nonsensical rhymes,
a lattice of criss crossing pastry sugary lines, the ones,
cannot, struggle to deduce, induce, reduce
from my constipated vocabulary

oh well
~
the first time I came in you,
entered, bidden welcome,
suffused a bridge between
the party of the first part,
the party of the second part,
sugar lightness airy nonsense,
two spirits dancing the singular
pas de deux of their finite lives,
a performance unbeatable,
unrepeatable,
lost to the perfection annals

Shockingly, Surprisingly, Summarily,
did not compose an ode,
don't mine a new vein of ore,
even write a plain poe poem

as best can recall,
at the candle melting of the
sealing wax of the deal,
gave an honest speech,
instantly falling fast asleep
with nary a grunted word

ever since l,
cannot write of plain love plainly,
so she makes me pay with a
new living elegant elegy daily,
a quatrain, what a pain,
this iambic panting meter
love poem writing

jeez louise,
how I wish could write of
roses red and violets blue,
get back to sleep,
oh well then,
back to work

got to make those sad moans,
hers, go away,
so please excuse me

near ten years later,
still paying the dues of the
initializing error of my way

she rumbles-mumbles in her
pre-awakening dream state,
so please excuse, got to go, think up
some implicated complicated  
verses to soothe away
her simple poorly hidden anxieties

you see,
I am happy paying
on and on,
writing like the devil furious,
she is stirring, coffee soon,
cafe au lait
if you get my meaning,
but still cannot beat,
repeat, re-alive
that simple plain living poem notated,
when first I came in her*


<•;)

9/24/17 6:49am ~7:17am

A Division of Mathematics
Adding great value to it
Multiplying its applications
Reducing laborious means

Going on logical steps
Riding on its riders
Gliding on its theorems
Solving hitches and glitches

Assuming things as “x”
Applying rational methods
Adopting sequential steps
Solving problems complex

Starting with assumption
Running through derivation
Following brilliant notion
Deciphering through perception

Grand in concepts
Grand in derivations
Grand in suppositions
Resolving problems in a grand manner

Mother of mathematics
Mother of logics
Cracking all mysteries
By initializing things as “x”

Assuming God as “x”
Following tenets and commandments
Living life on virtues and truth
Surely shall we know what “x” is
And what “I” am and what “V” (we) are
And surely shall we know that
X=I=V is Life’s Algebra.

Initializing Project Insomnia...
Gathering subject's data...
Synchronization complete...
Memory gauge ready to deplete....

Tracing last memory relapse...
Engaging before the time elapse...
Extracting remaining portion of the brain activity...
Eliminating for complete inability...

Subject 001 successfully terminated...
Preparing clone... preparation completed...
System malfunction... Rebooting system...
Mainframe breached... Multiple data hacked...

Re-Animating subject 001...
Life support activated...
Re-installing memory...
Reanimation complete...

Subject 001 is back online...
Bio organic weapon functional...
Preparing extermination...
Codename: Alpha initiated...

(Prelude)

Conflicted notion:
Best bottle of unopened wine you own,
drink this new year's eve and disown,
or preserve for just one more forever,
a reservation made and unmade.
satisfaction of sustaining the unrealized,
a pleasured dream,
a middle class myth maintained,
that perfume lasts forever.

When allowing the earth's atmosphere to oxygenate
his best, his words lying dormant,
thus initializing the fulfilling of potential,
simultaneously sipping from the now ever diminishing reservoir
of future verbal, poetic spawn of discombobulation,
the finality of phoenix birth and destruction,
a poem created, is it not, but its
obituary notated?

This epic conflict has lain muddled,

Just Money

warming, chilling, for years,
just neath a man's breast,
for forty eight fears,
in the first sub-basement of the mind,
stimulated by the ******* receipt
of a first teenage paycheck,
compressed by the dim recalling of
youngest child's blurry memory,
someone arguing about,
just money.

This title, pro and pre scribed long time ago,
daily challenging the man like black phylacteries,
wrapping/rapping round, in and on
a man's head, arm piece pointed
at the heart, stabbing,
morning probing, what is it,
mourning daily over the spirit questioning,
where does honor and self actualization come from,
is it
just money?

This title,

Just Money

asking to be written,
asking for a rain delay,
a mockingbird, with every login,
was/is waiting, in the poets Notes icon,
wine aging for decades,
asking to let it be fully formed
in order to die,
after all, it is
just money.

This story, dark and macerated,
needed to dissolve in solution,
letting the pieces separate,
be distinguished, or be extinguished,
be inscribed, or let evaporate
incomplete even when completed.

Never-sure if/when it will be drinkable,
never-sure, all the muddled sediment,
will fully fall to the bottom.
liquid and stolid,
compositional elements of the
unity of self, destructing.

the question begs on the street,
drink, serve, or preserve,
answer the question,
is it just money deserved and earned or
Just Money?

Chances are this story will never
complete, sore-tempted to rinse, repeat,
then delete these words for after all,
it is just money. hah.
just and money
Two words that combine differently and tell me
It's a poem you need to write, completely.

Just Money

I trumpet the withdrawal
of democratic contender from out the presidential race.

Breaking headline news story
courtesy rumor monger premieres
showcasing emphatic groundswell
against feeble minded incumbent.

Extraordinary turn of current events
immediately enlivens the United States populace
injecting much needed lively discussion
about gerontocracy deliberating for the electorate.

Though ill suited for any storied role in American government
yours truly (a sexagenarian) could vouchsafe for entrusting the
beleaguered state of the union in the hands of a qualified female
or male candidate born within Generation X Born 1965–1980.

Upon growing national groundswell of alarm
agonizing, capitalizing, eulogizing, galvanizing,
initializing, jeopardizing, polarizing...
voters (née namely citizens) of United States
plus capital one, buzzfeeding learned folks
linkedin courtesy webbed wide world,
an earthshaking crisis emboldens an erstwhile
average joe (biden his time) suddenly
chose to loose his humble opinion
across the Internet to affect

an immediate emergency session
of government officials
to address inexorable lurch
toward absolute zero democracy,
which liaison of Democrats and Republicans
necessitates closed door session
to resolve and allay the shear madness
lurking within the outer limits
of the fast approaching twilight zone
where dark shadows

creep toward utter chaos,
cuz our country tis of thee
teeters on the brink of
the astute heads of state,
and even popular stars
in the limelight beseech, implore,
and knead the malleable consciences
of sensible sons and daughters
genealogically linkedin to storied personalities
fomenting the American Revolution.

Outright riots promise to spill blood
and sacrifice the lives
of at least one anonymous worthy wordsmith,
(who might possibly
be an English Major incarnate)
in tandem with militant posses submerging
the land of the free
and home of the brave into anarchy
already terroristic subterfuge

rallies quintessential pronouncement
hinting quacking ducks lined in a row
where progostigation of dystopian future
impossible mission to detail
a scenario one cannot even conjure
from an overactive imagination
such as mine flirtation
with the Brave New World
already reflecting the absence of freedoms.

Not much effort required
to hypothesize severe limitations
and even harsh measures
taken against me for merely
sharing a what if scenario
barely even approximating
fallout from writing something
so passé as the following.
Haint no walk in the (Linkin) Park
(like back in the day
during the twenty fourth year
of the twenty first century),
I remember fondly as a sexagenarian -
shooting the breeze
on many a temperate
mid summer nights dream,
or later at four after midnight
nodding off to sleep
listening to deep sleep music

courtesy scouring youtube
then mostly free
from the electronic eyes of the government,
cuz soon sophisticated spyware -
linkedin with augmented/
virtual reality and microchips
incorporating sensors record
critical nodes' details traversed by each bit,
where computer hackers given free license
to explore weaknesses within system of the down.

Afterwards rigorously tested apps courtesy
south of the borders penned up
(think veritable sweatshop) preschoolers,
or applications put thru their paces
by kindergarteners similarly encaged
laboring with their collective cute button noses
to the grindstone sunup to sundown
exception made for little fingers reprieve
come holidays or birthday of product tester
prior to software being installed
on every machine sold for personal use) -
ultimately allowed (rather mandated)

by fiat and enabled a self declared autocrat
to obtain covert information
about another's computer activities
by transmitting data covertly from their hard drive -
espying websites visited
accumulating treasure trove of data -
possibly unwittingly hitting the bullseye
when subtly targeting and ingeniously
lampooning agent provocateur
cleverly communicating hidden messages
subsequently courtesy from said wiseacre.

[unit online.]
"say name?"
                                                                                       i. it is i.

[(pick up pick up pick up)]
                           
                                           [(the number you’ve dialed does not exist)]

breathe in breathe out breathe in breathe out breathe i-

from backbone to belief
tinged in raw, unspoken, spite
love it—
if you can make believe

[(epigraph. short-term.
                                         apocalyptic.
                                                                feelings’ invasion)]

will you not say out the sorrows?

"i’ve found it—
the cure."

                                   "replace."

           just like that—
just.

no but, that’s not humane!
not fair—
                                                need to, have to, has to be done

4:19 ½ minutes
the time has stopped.
bad news—bad bad bad
but it grounds.

stopped noticing the 11:11.
too shallow.
                           but but but—can’t you read?
too sarcastic!


                                   i live.
in front of you.
in front of the blues.
face to face with everything she hides—
on the inside.
monsters, birthed out of mind,
of their own.
double heads.
triple—
or even more.


[too high.]
     high on what stings—
                   "not the good stuff."

alive.
                                                           [(how long?)]

inner dialogue,
messy, troubled.
get rid of everything
that could **** it up.

not her.

                                                 don’t, please.
                                              not her too.

happened once.
needs to be done twice more.
three exist.
one can’t live, while—

song of the stars.
hear it in the nights.
the winds carry,
so do the skies.

[(can you hear me?)]

               [checking voice, loading power.]

                          [(yes, you can be heard. speak up!)]

[initializing doubt.]

drought of the skies.
the sun’s fallen out.

                                                                poetic.
                                                                    too poetic.

tragic tale,
haven’t you become?

are you sure?
pulling the cords—
              [(in 8…7…)]

voices.
two people—
to and fro.

  [initializing robots:]
  one asking for vitals,
  the other for machine stuff,
  claiming facts.
  internal dialogue.
  the robots’ voice.

"let’s put down the eyes.
they shall change upon reaction.
turn violet for adoration."



soft spots—being taken care of.
                                                        [(killing, slowly.)]

"does it hurt?"
                                  does—does—
                                                    too much.

"she’s screaming
  hold her down!
she’s going to hurt—
  she’s bleeding—"

                cut out—so pretty.
forgotten, yes—will be.
  not you.
    you.
      not you.
        myself.

               ouch ouch ouch.

"the blade—take it out.
went too deep—stitches!
  losing her!"

                                            protect—save—replenish.

"need blood."

zolofts and prozacs.
                         (how have you been living?)



                                    [(thrown away, aside, what have you done?!)]

"no.
needs to be real.
exchanging, replacing.
needs to be human."

making notes—
of all the ways
been scorned.
see it in the eyes.
tell loads more.
what words might
even compare with—

                            dial tone, stretched too long.
    can you become just another unit?
                to be replaced
     anytime you break a cord?

                    no—how can you!

[(breaking in.
                collecting data.
                                 unlocked grief.
                                                          data overloaded!)]

                                                                                               [(warning!)]

unit being replaced—
      [overwriting the memory.]

can’t do—can’t do.
             "why’d you do?"
                                            it’s cold here.

          [(system glitching, not syncing)]

was fun.
can’t do.
lasted long.
left to—
struggle.
accept.
soft spots.
too soft.
tender.
bruised.
                                         (have you any bandaids?)


love love love love love love lover—
                   [baby, do you recognize?]

[(they won’t believe)]

but they can.
can do.
will.
        please.
got to.

i warn you.
                               [warn—please—take care—]
             [please let me just, for once—]
                            can i keep it whole?
                       with me?
                                  i’ve dreamt.

can i keep going?

                   fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake fake.

[(downloading memories.)]

foggy. disoriented.
"she’s dissociated—bring her back."

going cross-eyed.
  help—no, don’t—
  (stay away.)

     stay stay stay stay stay.

[(they said—
            spoke.
                       screamed.
                                       ignored.
                                                     sighed.
                                                                  belittled.
                                                                                 lied.
                                                                                          shied.)]


 stay stay stay stay stay


444
everywhere.
                             (protection? or giving up)
a sign to move—
or to stay, to pause.

the time stopped.
                      [failed.]
resurrected, restarted—
went around again.


[this robot has been discarded]
                                       replacement found, once again.





"but you reside in the screen!"
                are you even real to me?

down.
some more.
a few more.
uncover what hides.


                                  i’ll be done soon.

that isn’t real—
not me—
but her.
                                                                      (she carries forward—
                                the days, masked, protecting, pretending)

[beware.]

they strike
where it hurts the strongest,
                                       (at times when you’re the weakest)




believed the monsters!
not fair.
            not fair not fair not fair.
                                  
                                                             [when has it ever been fair?]


it’s gone
                                  
and it spreads—
untimely
it was made to look like an accident
did it knowingly—
she knew! she’s known!
fools, hah, foolish

three questions—three. shoot.
                                               (the genie in the lamp awaits)
can you rub it out?
goes like this—
a little up and down,


                                     "this way—
                           that way—
                                      far away—"
                                  [back to everywhere you surround]


(deliberate)
                 knowingly did that—
                                              filled up.
[ears. voices.]
                           all wrong.
                          lies—don’t believe—don’t—


you’re losing her—


                                                                     but you're losing her—



fractured. potent.
whatever could have remained,
upgraded the version.
              [virus scanning—done.]

replacement will be—
                                     [(accepted or rejected?)]

[proceed with emotional residue cleaning.]

                    [(cannot quantify feelings)]
built up. broken down.

[(the core temperature is rising)]
                                                              can’t breathe.
[oxygen intake: insufficient.]

                                   (she’s gone)
                       you’re here.
                                         continue.

[collapsing bootloader]
there’s a lot.
            
"can we not pull the strings?"

                                                                          too tight.
                                                             these bounds.
                              (help me, please.)


        help help help help help somebody can you—


                                                                   why kind—

could be the nightmares
they dream about.





[(previous model had same issues)]

                    "compatible in the beginning."
[(can’t match the original)]

                     "eventually delete the original."

                                                                                  [did it ever exist?]

       [(fatal error: consciousness loop ending soon.)]

                                                                            [duplicate.]

[(resorting to copying a cheap system
log files corrupted
unresponsive. unresponsive. unresponsive.)]

                                           [deliberate intentions, at destruction]


"see the wounds,
caused by rough aggression."
                                                                    [who hurt you?]

                 (should have stayed away)

soft creatures of the earth.
weaklings, aiming at love.

[water detected in the system]
                 close to the eyes.
[entering details:]
                          [(tears.)]

how’d a body cry—
so numb, yet so alive.

                  significantly staring,
                                    into the distance
                        gaping.
                                                    smile.

     hey—smile!

[life’s just the beginning]

[mechanical,
and cruelly intimate]

they break hearts,
shatter minds.

                         (with no doctorates)

speak of promises.
swear on lives.
give you the gaze—
to hide their disguise
beware the ones in the bright.

                                          [exchanging memories]
[files being hacked.]
                         stop stop stop stop stop stop.
oh.
                                                           (that is what hurt?)

[giving up]

"the body seems to be giving up."

contradictory monstrosity
                                                                            why’d you pull?
let the happy stay

[the body is cooling]
                                                                            what do we do?
[relapsing to original settings]

                                                 [(can’t)]



the sparkling pop i got in the fridge
feels peachy.
can i kiss—
    the poison

                 it’s sweet—too sweet—

                                                       hiding—
                                                                           shhhh
                                            they can’t know.

                      but i want to—i need to—

"alert the authorities
we’re losing her."

[irregular pulse]
[dilation]
"confirming heartbeat?"
                                                 lub-dub, lub-dub, lub-dub

                 is it a heartbreak?

[releasing pressure]
[flushing venom]

"**** the body."

                                                              (grip the soul)
"transfer it."

don’t go wireless—
it’ll fly away home

                       (every time — the same way)
threw the darts
from the same tray
tools rusty, shining slimy red
                                                               (blood isn’t as thick—)

could it be because the heart did?
sampling metaphorical wounds
turning grey, danger looms
stitch them up, keep them close,
[mark: fragile]
"transfer body into soul"
                                                                            "soul is infected"
  [treat with care, approach with caution]


[(state of body: mind and heart appear to be just organs)]


disproportionate
falling into twilight
the midnight’s rain—
have you become it?

oh love, my love
the anti-hero
a little death
count it—
close to zero



especially if it rains
sky is weeping—
where lies the sun?
did it become the sunset,
or just the leaves that shed?

                                                           (contradictions of the mind:
                                                      of grief and of hope)

a circus, playing out loud—
time notices you

                                   (how long have you lived with doubts?)

oscar-worthy tears
falling, rehearsed
yet never false

[error]
[log back in]

[new body not supported]

             [(robot not functioning)]
                                            (short circuiting)

why the loop

[original file: trash it]

                                                                      (emotions not supported)

               [logging in the credentials]
            [invalid]

   "need to get rid of the body"
"answer the security question:"

do you know her?
                                             (yes)
                                                                          no, you didn’t

[where has it gone?]

   "can’t find the hard drive"

vessels of the mind, put them aside

                                                                        it’s peaceful
                                                      have i been released?


requiem
say the word—
          did you dream?
farewell, to the neverlands
sending regards
robots, onlookers, I—
              can’t you see m—
a matter of time
queuing up
somebody else—about you
fragment the comparison
treat the playlist
become the one
diagnosed with humans—
           how do they say it?
expression never existed
bittersweet sorrows
lie down here



(rest)
                (don’t put to test)
                 pull out the battery before it drains,
               can’t change it
                 can’t bring it back to life

[(shutdown imminent)]

                        [(starting countdown)]

                                                                  (11…10…9…8…)

           beep beep beep
[static]
                                        clink, click, clink, click






"make someone fill the forms
need consent—shall we proceed?"

you’ll never see her anywhere
to continue, please sign here:

                    
                                                    signed in agreement?


it is.




[return initiated]
[failed]

[(discarding in process)]


"do we get rid of the hard drive too?"


                                        "stolen! it was stolen, last night
                                             but how can a robot—
                                                                unless—"

[(discard failed)]




                                                    issued a star, will it not scar
                                         once issued, cannot be—



can never be replaced, but—


           permanent issue detected, unit offline.

                                                                                                     what if.