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Pearl smoke Sep 2014
iTs Difficult To Live Mylife,
The Struggle.
The Problems iHave And Keep Creating.
Not Knowing Who iAm
Being A Drug Addict Who Cant Seem To Stop There Bad Habit.
They Say iTs Easy You Just Want To Want iT.
Not iF You Fallen So Low, left All Alone.
iM Deep iN This ****, Deserve To Be 6ft Down To Rest.
iTs The Best.
For Everyone.
iM Doing Nothing But Disappointing The Ones Taking There Time Trying To Support Me.
Wasting There Encouragement Not Knowing iWont Last Long Before iUse And Fall Back in
The Same Cycle All ******* Over Again :/
iTs  Very Sad, To Continue This.
Been To Many Places Yet Nothing Changes,
iM Tired And Overwhelmed .
Why Am iUsing Now?
iFeel Lonely.
This Drug Fills Everything Up inside Of Me.
This is The Reason Why iWent Back To iT.
Before iT Was Cause iLoved The Effects And Kept Trying To Get High Asf Like My 1st Hit,
Then Lead To Me Going At iT Cause
My Body Felt Like iT Couldnt Function Off iT
Which Made Me An Addict .
Loving And wanting To Always Have iT.
Before iT Was Great,
Nobody Knew.
Then they Found Out The Truth.
Ever Since Then Ive Been Living Daily On Lies Having To Hide iT, Denying im On iT When Clearly iTs Obvious.
Chemicals Messing With My Mood ,
My Mind Now Plays Tricks On Me. Dont Know When itl Be Over Cause iDont think il 
 Want To ever Be Sober.
Pearl smoke Jun 2018
Scared Prt 1.
2014
iM Scared Of Losing What
iHave Left.
iM Scared Of Seeing What
iHave Left Go Away.
iM Scared Of Disappointing
My Loved Ones Again.
iM Scared Of Being Reminded
What the reality of Drugs.                        can do once again.
iM Scared iF iM Sober Then Fall
iWont Ever Change again
iM Scared The Drugs Can
Take over me Like it Has before
Once more.
Scared Of Feeling Numb And Live The Whole Drug Addiction Cycle all over.

Scared prt 2.

I Relapsed & Now I'm worried.
Will I Go back to my old ways?
As much as I desire The Feeling of escaping my reality,
I can't live Like that. I don't want to be a drug addict all over again.
The Feeling Is pleasant . The Living of being 1 Is Horrific.

Scared prt 3
2017
I’m scared
Of never finding hope
To believe my life has no worth
To never finding a light
To get lost in the
Darkness of my depression.
Im Scared
To never feel true happiness
To believe I have
No purpose in life.
To see I really don’t matter ..
I’m scared to prove
Myself right.
To really never start a life.
I’m scared to
Then lose my self again
To lonely nights with toxic touches

Scared prt 4

Be aware
I’m not scared like I used to be.
To lose  you, see you walk out.
Watch you leave & end us.
I have drugs.
To replace you,
Forget who you were
Erases our memories & best times.
Be aware
If you do me *****, I don’t care.
Drugs will always be there .
Il depend to forever not feel..
If you leave me, I won’t cry.
I have lines to get me past times.
So please know , I’m not scared.
To be left ,

Scared prt 5
2018

I’m Trapped.
I’m not ok , I’m not safe.
The habits creeping up.
Slowly but rapidly.
I believe I got it together.
I tell myself I got it under control.
But do I really?
Relapsing after 2yrs is making an impact.
I’ve been falling frequently.
For a short time but I’m still using .
It will take ahold of me unexpectedly.
Slowly convince me this Drug life’s worth risking .
I need help .
I look fine.
I haven’t used severely but my minds hyped.
Il Get To that level.
If I don’t reach out in time.
My thoughts are converting slow
I can feel the careless emotions growing.
That’s why I’ve found it so easy to use and get away with it.
“Just today” “it’s only alittle” “I can handle this”
That’s until I build up my tolerance.
Lord Help me .. you know il cause heartbreaks if I turn back to what I Once was..

Scared

I’m so scared.
To get played again .
To get lied and betrayed.
I’m scared of my reaction.
I know il die alive.
I won’t even have the strength to ****** you.
I’d be so broken and just let the world walk all over me.
If you Do me *****
I’d lose it completely.
You’d prove all my doubts correct.
Assumptions I already knew were true in my head.
If you play me, Id lose my head.
Literally, go insane due to confusion & hate.
If you hurt me.
Drugs is what I’m going to be out searching.
Not even ask for an explanation.
I’d be too focused walking straight ahead to my connects house.
If you do me shady.
I Will Be angry at the world.
Scream to the top of my lungs
“WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS
I would drown myself in drugs.
I’d hate the world completely for hurting me when I’ve done none wrong.
I’d go So crazy.
How can I So Loyal Be Played With.
Etcetc can’t even write more

Scared prt 6

2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared prt 7.
I’m scared
To Relapse & Stay Stuck
To give up recovery
I’m scared to
Look at you and walk away forever.
To just not care wether you believed I truly loved you.
I’m scared
For my love to be trapped
For all My strength to be gone
Lose it all ,
I’m crying.
Addiction will forever live in me
Wether Active or Overcomed
This drug will Always come
Aslong as I’m Happy , Positive
I won’t want to take a hit
But Even if nothing’s going on
My body & mind will randomly itch.
Ive been walking with this for too long to just erase it .
To forget I had a habit .


Scared prt 8
Jan 2018
Im not scared
Anymore .
I don’t know what to feel
Anymore.
I think I’m worried,
I just don’t feel it
Anymore.
My thoughts try to
Tell me something’s wrong.
I Can’t think of anything..
I’m unsure If I’m ok.
I don’t know if I’m
Even thinking straight.
I remember once feeling
So afraid.
I had to seek help on my own .
For the sake of my sanity.
My heart felt a heavy
Storm coming.
It rushed me to look out
Find shelter .
With strong material .
I started moving .
But did I act fast enough ?
Did I act before or after
Time had already passed..

Scared Part 9
Am I Fine.
Will I not rack a line.
Never touch a Rock in my life.

Am I Good.
Will I not Use again .
Will temptations not be seen as threats ?
Can I handle.
My urges to not Tweak again.
Will my triggers Be nothing to worry about?

Will I never feel tempted.
Have I finally over come every Obstacle of addiction?

I’m sorry.
I’ve worsen , I’m stuck once again.
This time it will be harder .
I’m a recovering addict
Stuck in a constant relapse Cycle.
What must I do
Should I sit & wait
On my next down fall ..

SCARED PRT 10

March 2018
I Didn’t notice.
Like always
I believed I had it all under control.
Everything was ok.
Everything seemed fine.
I felt normal,
I would stop soon.

I was Wrong ..
I Fell Down So quick.
I went hard.
No dubs or teeners.
I went straight to a Ball.
I just went all out.


I lost myself again.
I Lost control of the substance.
I Was trapped.
It became a problem.
One I wasn’t aware of.
I Had no recognition of at all.
I Didn’t see that I couldn’t stop.
I kept going
Kept using without seeing the frequency.
The days spent stuck.
I lost touch with reality.
This previous Relapse
Has been the worst in my life .
I haven’t had a binge like this time since 2015.
I used every day .
For 6 1/2 Weeks.
I lost track of the days & time.
I Sniffed & Smoked 2 8 ***** all to my self.

At the time I didn’t see how crazy that was.
Those weeks, an 8 didn’t surprise me.
The amount didn’t shock or Worry me.

I was fine , I had control.
I was doing ok , everything seemed & felt normal.
It was just a small relapse.


I was wrong
I lost touch with reality.
I formed a habit .
I was addicted again .

The sad part is
I’m able to acknowledge this Only through writing.
In real life , my denial mind
I’m able to handle my addiction. I’m ok & Dont have a problem.


It angers me.
Since my 1st Relapse
In August.
I’ve Fallen Very often.
It saddens me.
How I quickly Skipped
The Weight.
Why does it worry me?
My mind will no longer seek a Dub when I’m triggered to use.
It will want Another ball.

Anything less
My Addictive mind
no longer craves.
It now settles for Big.
This relapse has changed the game for my addict ways.
I’ve Relapsed every month
Since August.
I Had it all under control.
I Was able to use and stop.
Just this last time
I completely lost it.

Scared prt 11

I’m scared .
To lose my strength.
Have no durability.
To Give in So quick.
Be that weak
Where I don’t fear Tweak.
Find it easy
To just go seek.

I’m Worried
To reach that level .
Just Relapse constantly .
not care who Knows.
My problems
Have me overwhelmed.
Every day
The Stress grows .
I can’t bare another
Tug & Pull.
Semihten5 Jul 2017
I picked the Rose,I picked the Rose
I picked at rose,rose

I kept the Rose,I kept the Rose
I kept to rose,rose

I have sent rose,I have sent rose
Ihave sent to Rose,rose

I smelled rose,I smelled Rose
I smelled at Rose,rose

I called Rose,I called rose
I called at Rose,rose
Pearl smoke Sep 2014
iM Scared Of Losing What
iHave Left.
iM Scared Of Seeing What
iHave Left Go Away.
iM Scared Of Disappointing
My Loved Ones Again.
iM Scared Of Being Reminded
What the reality of Drugs.                        can do once again.
iM Scared iF iM Sober Then Fall
iWont Ever Change again
iM Scared The Drugs Can
Take over me Like it Has before
Once more.
Scared Of Feeling Numb And Live The Whole Drug Addiction Cycle all over.
Pearl smoke Sep 2014
iWanna Run Away
For Bad.
iM Sad And iFeel Hopeless
The Only Thing That iFeel iCan Truly Feel Worth iT
is Dope.
iWanna Take A Hit.
iKnow il Feel Happy
Just if iGet Lit
iWanna Twist Just One last Time
Yes A Relapse
Thatll il risk
iKnow The Consequences
But this is it
iKnow il lose Everything once again but idk iF iHave Enough Heart
iLove, But Not Like iUsed to
This substance is
Powerful
Itll Take over
Its sour
iWanna use
And im getting closer to the point were i dont care if i lose...
Pearl smoke Sep 2014
People Assume iTs Addiction.
The Reason To My insane thoughts
And Actions, is because of
The Substance.
Saying iM Confused, Slurred out
Living unrealistic
Out of it.
Making Stupid Decisions
Saying They Can Help Fix Them
Oh Really? Well Your Wrong.
My Love For Dope is
Too strong and realistic.
Also Has The key To my Death Wish
Provides Me With
Everything iEver Wanted
Just iN 1Line 1hit.
iWill Continue Using This Drug till
IDrop Dead.
Dont Argue With Me Saying
"Thats What All Addicts Say"
Ican Stop but idont want to
iDont Fein For Tweak. Like iHave
Said A million times
And still noone comprehends
This is The Reason
Im Still living.
Found A Reason to love myself
Makes me happy
Without iT?                                                 Im rowdy Yes, its affecting My
Image, brain and body.
Dose iT Look like iGive A ****?
iTs Killing me slowly
Thats the point
Idont want to live. So i chose a slow
Death.
People around me **** up
My high
Gets me upset cause i just wasted
A hit
That puts me in rage.
Point iS iWont Stop , nomatter what
You say.
Or type of treatment you think
Is best and have hope it changes me
me to not
Smoke dope. Nope! My mind is set
Dont you get it yet?
Never will iregret iCould careless
About my family relatives &
Friends.
God I just wanna know you.
You say you know me by name,
Well I wanna know you by name.
Lord what will it take to know you like your own son knows you?
I just want to fall in love with you God.
Just to dance for you
Just to sing for you
I would want nothing else God.
Nothing else... Cause your all that gratifys.
I wanna speak like you speak.
And have the faith that you had to heal so many hearts, God I want that.
You brought a dead body back to life countless times.... And if you live in me, doesn't that mean I have that?
If you were heaven on earth and you're in me doesn't that mean You are  heaven on earth  going through me?
Ihave such a longing and passion to just dwell in you just to romance you lord. I would be forever satisfied.
Be my all consuming fire.
I don't want you just sometimes
I don't want you just tommarrow
Or just today
I want you in every minute of every hour because Lord you define me.
You give me an identity that is longer than temporary.
Romance me God.
Show me you're deepests passion
Lord I just wanna know you.
I would be forever satisfied.
Pearl smoke Mar 2015
iHave Your Mind
In Circles.
Stressed And Worried over me.
All Because of my disease
Yes I know its so unfair
That You Have to go through this
Through My Comedown And Rages iThrow All
Because of tweak.
Your Minds In Trama
Because Of what you know about my past
Feeling Tortured
Once i Spoke About the lies ive told you.
This Problem i Have Affected Us Too.
Its daily Thoughts & Doubts
Wether im really where i Say Im At
If il Pick Up Or if i used.
Instead Of Missing me And waiting till You See me
Having Thoughts Of Always Wanting to be with me
You Have the complete Opposite
Cause you dont know If you should believe me
My boyfriend was there By my side the 3rd time i Was sent to residential
he was there supporting me and helping me.
he seemed to develope feelings for me through the phone calls we would give eachother
when i had gotten out of rehab he suprised me with baloons and gifts.
so happy i made it.
2 weeks later i relapsed and he was devastated
felt all his help and time was all worth less
time passed bye
arguments after fights
we later go together
made a deal
i give up drugs for his love
i lied and still went on using
later on i confessed about so much
since then hes been doubtful on my every move
Pearl smoke Sep 2014
iSmile, iLaugh, iHug
Deep Within Me its All an Act.
iFroun, iScream, iCry
Deep Within Me iTs What iFeel
Why Do iFeel Empty?
They Tell Me iHave Everything
A Family, Wealth, Support
iKnow iKnow iKnow
They Say What More?
Idont Know, iDont Feel Alive
iFeel Souless, No interest, lifeless
What Do iWant? What Are
My Needs? To fullfill these Depression Thats deepining .
Pearl smoke Sep 2014
iTurned 17 Today.
Never imagined id make it this far.
iTs A Blessing.
iN Every Journal iHave, ive mentioned i wouldn't make it to this age. Would Have Died
Off An Overdose, Gun Shots or Stab.
But im Here, iJust Came in
from The Adorable Party my neighbor Threw me, out of every one
iWas First To Go in.
iTs late night, iM 17 And iM About To Get High, Got The Pipe
And the Bic Ready to light and twist
Find This Disgusting and
Sick. about to begin another year to this dope ****.
Started At 14, Now im Heading towards Another sad year.
Makiya Nov 2014
left the lid off and it molded over
night, let it sit out a little too
long, the taste is a little off-- I hope you got my message.

my aimless fingers, are spinning webs of websof
whatif's
whatnow's
you

probably won't answer.

I have no direction, only
intentions and a bowl full of hope, Ihave
an extra   spoon.

a little past noon, now.

and I find I have trouble
taking you in all at once, there is
a pink-like hue   to all of your newness,
like I'm looking through
rose-colored glasses

like there is always a 'Theme For A Pretty Girl Who Makes You Believe God Exists' playing in the background when you cross the street or
stand, waiting for a friend.

I'm not sure whether it is you I miss, or
the coffee-stained pages of music (at least
I thought it was music)     we made when
we were together.

I often over-romanticize, but
I just thought I'd ask, just thought
I'd see if the breeze I felt was
from an open door or
from the inevitable cracks around the door frame.

I just thought--
I don't know.

oh god.
Pearl smoke Sep 2014
The Struggle Of
Being Dependent On A Substance.
Especially Stimulating Wise
Is So Difficult
My Negative Emotions Are What
Lead me to wanting to
Go and use.
To Get Away Relive
My Weaken Mind.
By Taking The Stress worries racing
Thoughts away
Dissapering Up in smoke
The Sad Feeling,
Every Time iFeel Blue
A Reminder Pops Up remembering
iHave A Cure to turn to.
Numbs Me All Completely
Since im addicted, idont get that first happy feeling, like idid in
The Beginning.
Makes All my pain and misery leave
Yes iknow, temporarily
As iConsume, its consuming
My Natural Happiness Permanently.
Pearl smoke Sep 2014
iM Trying To Find A WaY
Trying To Find Away To Get Away.
My Mind iS Twisted
iHave No Where To Turn
Not Even Drugs.
iTs me mentally, insanity
Jack Turner Feb 2011
I scream, I write and yell as you sing along,
But no matter what I say, you never ever catch on,
So I have to sing my heart out as I bleed on
For you to realize how your actions treat me wrong.

My dear love, why can't you see what you do to me?
And why do you cut deeper with every word you say?
Despite all that I've told you what you've done to me,
And with how crazy you've said I've become recently.

Heart, burn.
And, Heart, break me.
But from now on,
Ihave to sing to thee
In order that you truly hear me,
And all of the poetry

That I've written for you.
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
Ihave a moment
I think ill write something
A poem maybe, about my world
how it gets crazy,
how much I suffer
just how to save me
I fyou even really want to
until then I wake up every day
to the sounds of my own scream
I don't know why this has to go south
turns out that when i write
it always needs to have negative tones
i guess my muse is a *****
honestly right now I feel fine
done my work, waiting on her
so we can put more ink under the skin
just thought that i'd write....

i did
Semihten5 Sep 2019
Everyone understands you some day.
My only wish, they don't be late.
Not to spend breath important.
Time should come my love, time should come.

Everyone understands you someday.
My only consolation, without breaking your heart,
without your worrying  your voice must be heard.
Do not waste your tongue.
Your value should be known my love, your value should be known.

Everyone understands you someday.
Only difference, not as much  as me.
I never forget a your word.
I 've memorized everything you said.
Like a planet aroound you,
I have to take tour my love, Ihave to take tour.

Everyone understands you someday.
Only sad side,
Like me before I die

— The End —