Happy..
Energetic..
Care free..
These are the memories from my childhood
The innocence I once had is forever gone
Sorrow and woe has taken its place
Consuming me from the inside out*
I am trapped within myself
With no hope of ever feeling alive
I sit in this hollowed out shell of mine
Physically looking as if nothing is wrong
While emotionally unstable
Locked in my room i stay
Out of fear from the people who don't undestand
I see them staring
I hear them whisper and laugh
Will the teasing ever stop?
Silent I stay
Pretending not to hear
Faking my smiles as if everythig is fine.
Holding in the tears that want to pour out
Stupid girl
Don't give them that satisfaction
       Don't you cry

          *Not yet...

I'll make it happen
My miracle, my need...
Out of what is not such a problem and great a sin to touch.

There's always that one person that will always have your heart. Yeah your definitely that one for me.
Do you remember how it used to be?
How we used to stay up till 5 every night just to talk to eachother?
How we would always fantasize about what could be. About the things we wanted to do.
Do you still think about how we used to talk every minute of every day?.... We never ran out of things to say... **** I sure miss you. I still remember the first moment I thought I liked you. Two years ago.... **** babe You took my breath away.
Yes of course there was other guys that got my attention. Mostly ones others would classify them as perfect. But with you it was so much more, There was something about you that I couldn't get off my mind.
Before anyone knew about our mistakes, it was great. I loved everything you use to say. Even if it was about video games or movies it was okay. I didn't care it was still you and that's all that mattered to me.
Yeah we got into some trouble and they found out I thought it was the end I thought you might give up but you didn't. You came right back. You and me we acted like we didn't care we still stayed up late and talked for hours like we used to.
But we got caught again a few months later and  now it's like it all wore off like everything that happened in those two years is lost. We don't talk anymore all those late nights are over... I hate this.
I wish I knew what you thought.
I wish I knew if you still felt the same way.
I still stay up but when I do it's only so I can think of you and what could be...
Just trying to keep myself from calling you.
**** I miss you so bad babe.
To me you were so perfect
It never mattered if circumstances in my life was going wrong cause you made me so happy.
Everything was right a long as you where only looking at me.
I miss you, I miss everything about you.
I like how you made me work for it how it wasn't just given..it was always so real and I never wanted to see us end.
And now no matter what I do something reminds me...
A catch if your sent in the wind my way...
An old txt locked in my phone of something you had said.
A song a show a movie it doesn't matter cause no matter what a thought always brings me back to you.
Even if I'm with another and I'm in his arms I still think of you he coul do everything right but it still wouldn't be you.
With you my heart was there everythig felt so right if only there wasn't that night that they found out maybe you and I would still be talking. If only.....
I would tell you this but if I did there would be no mystery

I have not been this sad in such long a while-
That I though my face
would soon pick a smile.
But I know that I cannot lie to myself anymore.
I'm depressed again. I've walked this path before.

I wish I would say I was sad, but I'd be lying,-
Cuz pain's smaller than the reason I'd be crying.
So I will turn my every
tear and bits of rage-
Into ink, then write down how I feel on this page.

'They say that every cloud has some silver lining.
Well, they haven't seen
the clouds I'm seeing;
If big boys do not cry
then I am really unique.
And if 'unique' is not
normal, then I'm a freak!!!

They say 'never put all
your eggs in 1 basket.'
But I did worse on the
Friday that you and I met.
Its like I put my eggs in a worn-out basket and-
Put that basket in some blind *******'s weak hand.

I kept playing back how
everythig fit perfectly,
Us; teasing fate. Like you were meant for me.
I couldn't stop smiling
even when I got home.
I even broke more rules
and wrote you a poem.

True, I was scared it was too good to be true,
But I somehow believed
that we'd pull through.
I was ready to fight
whatever odds I'd face.
But I can't throw a blow against your happiness.

I may love you more than him, but its okay,
To me, its been about you from the first day.
I'll not be around much,
because I really do care.
But if you'll need me, I
hope that I'll be there.

I heard that to cry about a girl is just being wack.
But I'd rather be ****** than hold the tears back.
I bade you farewell with wet eyes and a smirk.
But I didn't agree that we really couldn't work.

You asked me to keep you close in my pieces,
But there's not much to
say about past wishes.
But, sure as rain,I wrote this poem just for you.
I'm really sorry if you wont find it very beautiful.'

Melting my sorrow, my
wishes and my regrets,
I channeled my pain out
through my eye sockets.
I tapped each drop into a fountain pen I love alot,
Scribbled something and
this is the poem I got.

Keep Smiling

The poems were just falling out, I was walking into words much like stumbling through spider webs in the dark.  Some coming too fast to have time to find a sketch pad, or a new one already dancing in my head before the last one was written down.  Post it notes started to come in handy.  Waking up in the middle of the night with words waiting and glowing on my bedroom wall, hands stumpling in the dark for my phone and my eyes not yet focused but my fingers tapping away.  My admiration and wonder for you started to bloom into the sensation of falling... and then I started to fall.    

Messages weren't so easy... no where to hide.  My fingers would hover over the keyboard and my eyes transfixed on an empty message box for hours...sometimes  even days.  My heart wanted to shout and shout and shout, but my mind was terrified and shy and wanted to stay silent.  Reason and sense said say nothing at all... just walk away.  But my heart was caving into the madness of impossible possibilities and beautiful tragedies with happy endings.  I ended up stuck between the two and sent small talk, constantly afraid of saying too much and steering  clear of all the things I really wanted to say.  Hiding all my secrets in the plain sight of poetry and silencing my heart through the messages...

What was happening
How did I fall so fast
It was crazy
And mad
And beautiful
And it made me smile
And the simplest message
Made my heart howl
And race
And I felt
Excited and
Exhilarated
And
Terrified
And
Happy
And everything
No matter how
Repetitive or mundane
Or ordinary
Everything was
Suddenly beautiful
Every part of
Every day and
Every night
And every dream
Everythig beautiful
Everything about me
Started falling
For every part
Of you

And I could keep everything safe as long as the messages stayed simple, careful to never say too much.  Save all that for the middle of the night, stumbling in the dark, out of focus, over the top poetry.  Writing between the lines and hiding  behind metaphors of falling, careful not to let on that I'm madly and completely In love with you.  Because that... that just doesn't make sense.  Unless, you ask the mad truth beating in my heart.  There, in the crazy beauty of it all it does.  It makes perfect sense.  Because there I can hide behind...

Every word
Every syllable
Every letter...
And I fall a little more
Falling faster
Falling deeper
Every sound
Every image
Every message
And my heart escapes me
Beating wildly
Flying madly
Every morning
Every day
Every evening
Always dreaming
Always smiling
Always falling
For everything
Of you

These circles resting inside of squares.
My empty daydreams lie in nightmares.
Plastic homes,
tucked in for the night.
Sleeping comfortablly
with no peace in sight.
Another character from my subconscious senses
No way to justify my mixed up sentenses.
But you stayed with me to keep me company.

During the day changes reappear.
But noting was ever very clear
Between you and me.
beneath the kitchen table,
the emptiness shines on the wooden floor.
It is the only beautiful thing left in this room anymore.
When you left for work, or when I left to play,
We closed our eyes
to give excuse to get away.

As you approached the corner full of memories
I erased the outline of everything we thought we'd be.
These feelings are invisible to you
But your pain was forever stuck to you like super glue.
You played the music loud,
and kept me at a distance
The sounds turned themselves into somekind of profound visions
And I read between the lines.
Nothing that belong to you could ever be mine.

So we waited
At the bus stop
And I waited in the car.
You waited
by the bathroom
And I waited in the bar.
And we waited
and waited
so much that we hated.
But we waited
And tried not to look concered at all
But the waiting
was the pressure that made you fall

We were fadnig like the photographs you took of your past.
Something I said had to make you laugh?
But you kept replaying your first love over in your head.
Sometimes I wish I were her instead.

Everything was echoing together mixing,
overlappig the boundaries in the dirt.
I didn't realize how much you hurt.
But everythig keeps holdig us back
We were never going forward.
It's why I left somewhere in the middle to say the least.
I naturally wanted to feel relieved.

You were focused on keeping my attenetion.
I was always changing subjects.
You were seeking more affection
But I still had to change the subject.
Stories were spiraling up into the sky,
You were living just to die.
What things mattered to you the most?
When we look back together on the long road?
What images sneak their way back into your mind?
Was it me or is it still her this time?

If it were different we could just be happy
reasons become meaningless after a while
I peeked behind my eyelids once
while you were falling asleep, watching me smile.
But now
It's pointless to ask reoccurring questions
Or remember once upon a times.
Pointless to blame myself
No answer is even worth a dime.

I will never get the closure
that most people need.
You  only get the glory of never being freed.
Everyone gets the first look at your real face
Watching you  fall, and fall and fall and fall.
Take a good hard look into the brick mirror...
Now who's the one who has it all?

We do all exhort love, do we not?
We all do revere it and give it a place
A throne, for love is a king
A tender taskmaster, needing no castle
Instead finding a dwelling place
In the heavens and in the heart

Let us worship this cause of love
Let us give praise to this idea
This concept which unites us
In ignorance or total, complete understanding
We can find it in the minds of every human being that ever existed

No lifeless golem, this Spirit of Air
Air…such a priceless gift to the drowning
No heartless demon, Spirit of Fire and Ice
Spirit of Earth

Our love weeps for our losses
Our love cares for lost children
Our love does not recoil in the face of our enemy
Our love kisses and kills
Our love breaks hearts only to make them grow again anew
Our love heals those wounds
Our love tells lies, none of us care
Our love offers a smile at just the right time
Our love reaches out a hand
Our love lifts one up
Our love eases one down
Our love speaks through music
Our love speaks in tongues
So that all will hear and know the song of our love

The sun is naught but heat to the blind man
Each one of us is blind to everythig outside our own perception of love.
This is a kind of love that can never be seen in it’s entirety
Having encircled infinity
This love is the heat that falls on the blind man
Even a blind man realizes that there must be something within
Which allows the sensation, illuminates it

Our love makes it’s presence known
But refuses a name

Trust follows love around like a shadow on the ground
Patience a gift to the anxious who cannot wait
Not even the shadow can touch it
Yet, in all it’s glory, love is a heart breaker
Only love could so masterfully combine pain and pleasure
To let us know when we are in love
Or to let us know love’s been lost
Through it’s touch the emotional carnage of tragedy is soothed with time until all that’s left behind is bearable
Love allows a space for mourning
But hurries to get on with it
To get on with life and the living
Where we belong
For there will soon enough come a time to mourn again

Getting lows but now highs
Going home to dark skies
But that's on the inside
Outside my feelings do hide
And everythig looks fine

Everyone believes they are the king of their own worlds
Walking around with their hair grown long
Looking down over everythig
Flirting with the mysterious
They wear sunglasses
And speak rhythmically
Pulling out their cameras
Anticipating the next show
Everyone is a mini habitat
And that's how they go
Wandering, forever

Finding an escape in a maroon bag.
I'm almost out.
Three just wasn't enough.
It lasted awhile,
But the euphoria doesn't last long.
This feeling reminds me of you.
Touching me.
It's the closest thing
To the feeling of love.
Replacement.
I resent myself.
I wish nothing ever ******* happened.
Then I wouldn't feel the lack.
The lack of everythig good and bad.
All at once.
You always were my compass star.
You were the truest north
In my universe.
I'm sorry I'm so ****** up.
How many times does "I'm sorry"
Have to escape from my lungs?
I resolve to not have any emotions.
I don't want to let myself feel.
Except when it comes to you.
I can't stop.
I can't do anything to escape
The prison of everything.
Consuming my being.
Confining.
Suffocating.
******* suffocate me.
Choke me until I beg for air.
Bruise my body all over.
I liked seeing our lust
As a painting
On my body.
I was your canvas for the night.
Fingers deep in my air way.
Broken glasses.
Broken promises.
I promised myself
I'd never let you have me again.
It hurts.
It hurts so ******* bad.
I'm going mad.
I belong in a ******* hospital bed.
A future promised.
You promised me.
You promised you'd always love me.
That I'd never be alone.
I can't do this without you.
You were my ******* god.
I worshiped you.
You were my hope.
You were everything.
Everything.
And now I have ******* nothing.
I feel like nothing
Without you.

I lost everything.

I lost everything when I lost myself.
Myself worth, my self Pride, myself preservation.

I lost everything when I lost you...
My future dreams, a good night's sleep, a good night kiss.

I lost everythig when I lost control
Of my emotions, of WHO I love and let love me.

I lost everything.

I lost my home, my car, my job...
And all the dreams I had when I was a just a girl...
To be someone.
Someone I like, someone im not... To be me and not my mom or a hopeless loveless one...

I lost it all.

When I fell in love with you.
And forgot myself,
What I was worth, what I wanted... When I met you.

I lost it all.

I lost my mind, sank in a pool of tar that swiftly swam into my arm...
Into a sea of no feelings and no emotion or humanity...

I lost EVERYTHING.

When I forgot what dreams I had, that I can love someone other than you...

I lost it ALL.

Somewhere in time when I gave up... On me.
When you gave up on me too..
I lost my heart. My mind. My sanity.

And I became this girl of stone unfeeling to the world.
solely to armor myself from the mental abuse people like you have put me through...

The dodging eyes, the small white lies... The elephant in the room.
Was YOU and all your lies.

That you denied and tried to cultivate your alibi... And blame me for your short comings....

For YOUR lack of empathy and courage to take lead.
For YOUR lack of belief in me, in you IN US.
For YOUR insecurity and pride.

Well where did that get you now??? Did you find all you wanted that you couldn't find in me???

*** I lost EVERYTHING to raise YOU up....
And you tossed me like  piece of trash.

I lost it ALL..

Believing in a pipe dream. A fairytale a fantasy.

I lost it all..
When I lost sight of that little girl that had endless

LABORING ON A MAN WITH A MISSION,
LIMITED ONLY BY HIS WANTING
GITTING CLOSE BUT NEVER REACHING
GOING ON THROUGHT HIS DAY SEARCHING,
SEARCHING FOR AND WIDE FRO WHAT IS MISSING
SLEDGING THROUGH STORMS OF LIGHTNING
HOLDING TRUE WITH PATIENCE EVERLASTING

HOPING AND WORKING IN THOUGHTS OF HIS MISSION
STOPPING FROM THE ENDLESS RUNNING
SO THAT OTHERS MIGHT NOT LIVE THERE LIFES FIGHTING
COTNINUING TO FIGHT WELL FILLING LIKE FLEEING
CAUGHT IN A BATTLE NEVER ENDING
BUT AT THE END THE END OF THE BITTER DAY BRINGING

BLISS IN A DREAM OF REACHING HIS MISSION
FINDING A SENSATION ONLY RIVALD BY FLYING
FIGHTING AS IF HE WERE FLOATING
IN A PERFECT SEASON OF BLOOMING
INSIDE A BUBBLE OF NOTHING
PROTECTED FROM WORK OF SOMETHING
PRACTICING AT THE ART OF PRECEIVING
AS IF EVERYTHIG WAS BUT A DREAMING
AWAKING TO YET AGAIN, AN INCOMPLEET MISSION

Why does it feel like,
I have to fight off the world
and my body at the same time,
all the time?

Aren't we supposed to be allies
in this?
And why do I feel so alone
doing so?

I would give everythig right now
to be
nothing, no one
let go of my identity

Listening to circadas humm
lying in the shade of an apple tree
feel how the ground refelcts the heat
of the sun

Nothing left in my mind,
a steady merry heartbeat
as I drift away into slumber

No reponsibility
just peace of mind
and my chest so warm,
filled with wonder

I am free