Love is a peaceful place that doesn't last forever.

He lie there, limp and lifeless on the ground.
Her saddened heart began to pound.
She wanted him in her arms, awake, laughing, and alive.
Her tears and aching heart, we're evidnce she wouldn't survive.

She loved him.
Cared for him.
Missed him.

She laid beside him.
His eyes closed, body still.
She kissed his cheek and began to spill.
I love you, she whispered.
She stroked his forehead and sang his lullaby
One last time as he slept forever

"Don't cry little angel
Everythings gonna' be alright
Everythings gonna' be ok
Hush, little angel
Don't be afraid
I'll always be here till the last crusaid
I love you my darling angel
Drift on into darkness
Don't cry
Don't be afraid
Everything's gonna' be alright
everythings gonna' be ok"

the darkness swallowing the light,
the walls coming close,
the eerie sounds filling the room.

the sweat running down his forehead,
the sun nowhere to be seen.
the loneliness,
creeping in.
and grabbing your neck,
from behind.

the pitch black soul,
losing everything.
his eyes slowly blurring as everythings starts
to fade.
and then…
he drops.

unknowingly controlling every single
movement.
and making everything go wrong.
the body is slowly dying
as the human brain gives up.
and the fear
***** in
your soul.

the body hitting the floor,
with the dead phone clutched tightly in his
hand,
the face
pale
and filled with
darkness.

My best friend calls me to ask me how I feel about everything
I reply with “which everything?”
There are so many everything's these days I can’t seem to keep up with them
They spin in clockwork motion
Or maybe more like a wind up toy
Twisting and turning with a click until they explode into motion that leaves me breathless
There are so many everythings
Sometimes they give me whiplash
Sometimes I try to ignore them but they grow like an alarm clock, louder and more annoying every minute.
I try to kick them down but they are resilient
I try to paint them, try to disguise them as oceans and sunsets and birthday clowns
But the paint doesn’t stick
I try to fold them up like antique clothing in an old dresser
But the mothball smell is always there in my nostrils
I try to tuck them under the bed, hide them in the closet, abandon them at the supermarket
The everythings scare me
Reminding me how I am alive
Reminding me that I can not escape them
They will always be here even when I am not
My best friend asks me how I feel about everything
I ask him which everything
If he means the everthing in which I live in the most beautiful place in the world, thousands of miles from home, I would tell him that is the one I paint as sunsets, too beautiful to ignore
If he means the one in which the boy I loved never loved me, I would tell him that is the one I that I try to hide under the bed, but it always makes its way out at night
If he means the one in which my grandfather has died recently, I would tell him that is the one I try to hide away in the dresser but I always find myself opening it back up and finding myself wrapped in his hoodie that was given to me
If he means the one in which society grows scarier everyday, I would tell him that one is the alarm clock that wakes me shaking and sweating in the middle of the night
If he means the everything in which the poetry isn’t enough anymore, I would tell him it’s the one I tried to abandon at the supermarket when buying notebooks and fountain pens and books written by Poe and Bukowski
If he means the everything in which people I trust constantly hurt me, I would tell him that is the everything I try to kick down like a stray dog, but I always find myself letting back into my house during a rainstorm
But in reality I don’t say any of this
He has everythings of his own
We all do
And they’re always here
The everything's do not leave us
They are the only friends we keep for life
They are the ugliest thing in a sunset
The most beautiful thing in a sunrise
They contradict themselves constantly
You can’t predict their next move
And they always leave me breathless

Everyones left
Everythings gone
And now only I
Am left to remain on
Everythings quiet
Everythings still
All that is left
Is me and my will
Everythings frozen
Everythings stuck
Its me all alone
This is my luck
I am motionless
In this still air
Here am i all alone
Upon me the universe does press
I feel the weight
The wait
All alone
Here am I
On my own.

2 decades and it almost feels like another midlife crisis
My head was too big to come out of mommy's ******
Letter C in the stomach, out pops the baby covered in muck
But I wasn't sad to be here. I was ready.

Now the baby has ****** hair.
******* on a cigarette instead of a *** or a thumb.
Things have changed and everything is the same
There was a message I forgot as I was being lifted out of the large round belly
Something I somehow reclaimed much later...
"Everythings Okay," said the Eye on May 14, 1992.

You always say you hate to see me hurt, and you hate to see me cry. So all those times that you hurt me, did you close your eyes? Sad isn’t it? How no matter what you do or say to me… when you come running back… when you need me again… I’ll be here… right here waiting for you, I’ll take you back… no questions asked. Sad isn’t it?

So… from now on… when you think of me… just remember that I could’ve been the best thing you ever had You hurt me more then I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more then you deserve, why am I such a fool? You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing, when you turned around and a tear came down and I whispered to myself… everything is.

You wonder why I don’t talk to you anymore and please believe me when I say it’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that everything I want to say I can’t tell you anymore I don’t know which I would rather believe… that you never did care or that you eventually stopped Hold my hand, just one more time, so I can remind myself why it is that I can’t get over you I think its time I let you go… and that is hard to do because part of me will be in love with you for the rest of my life.

While I was holding on all you did was let go Sometimes it’s better to be alone. No one can hurt you that way I just wonder how many people never get the one they want, but end up with the one they’re supposed to have The hardest thing about growing up is that you have to do what is right for you even if it means breaking someone’s heart. Including your own.

All I’m asking for is one night together. Just you and me. All alone. And if you can honestly say you don’t feel anything for me after that night, I will finally let you go Sometimes all you need is a broken heart to realize that something even better is right in front of our eyes, just waiting to be found No one can promise they’ll never hurt you because at one time or another, it will happen. The real promise is if the time you spend together will be worth the pain in the end.

The worst feeling in the world is knowing you’ve been used and lied to Maybe they are right. Maybe I did get my hopes up too high. Maybe I was in over my head. Maybe I am the stupid one for ever thinking that you loved me, but maybe, just maybe, I am tired of being alone I don’t know which is worse, being the one with the broken heart or being the person that breaks the hearts It’s not that we aren’t meant to be together, I think that we’re just not ready for forever You always have an out An exit strategy to make sure you don’t get hurt  You always walk always  You walk away before they can walk away from you There were reasons we met, reasons for the good times and reasons bad times, and most importantly a reason to end. We have more to learn, more to experience and more loving to do in this lifetime.

Somehow I know we’ll meet again, not quite sure where and not sure when, your in my heart so until then good-bye If you think you’ve found that one that you really love… make sure they love you back Don’t hate me. Don’t regret me. Don’t even forget me Wherever you go, whatever you do, don’t say I never loved you It’s hard to love someone who’s in love with someone else, you have to ignore the pain and swallow your pride. Just to be a friend… but that’s all worth it because sometimes friendship last longer than love.

I haven’t been around but that doesn’t mean I'm there for  Even when I was acting like a fool I’ve tried to show you in a million ways but nothing ever got through I cut to prove to you that you are not the only one that can hurt me I wish I saved all the tears I cried for you so I could ******* drown you in them Sometimes I love you, Sometimes you make me blue, Sometimes I feel good, At times I feel used. Loving you darling makes me so confused get weak, that is my problem…

But the thing that I want you to see the most is that I survived without you I don’t think I ever felt that good and that bad at the same time in my life Sometimes I have been thinking a lot about growing up, and all of the relationships and broken hearts we go through. I always wonder how many times I said “I love you” to someone  Love is putting up with someone’s bad qualities because they somehow complete you Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be Don’t stay because you think “it will get better”. You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within I may hate myself in the morning But I’m gonna love you tonight Relationships are like glasses. If they break, let them stay broken, you’ll only hurt yourself trying to fix it. At least the pieces still remain Why do we fall for someone, who really isn’t for us?… should we blame ourselves for falling the wrong one. Or… should we blame the one we fell for, because… they made us believe that they are the right one for us?!

There will always be faces you can never look at without emotion and there are names you can never hear spoken without that same old feelings returning. Just when you think you can move on, you’ll remember all the reasons why you held on so long The only thing worse than a broken heart is knowing you’d give him another chance.
I don’t understand why I let myself stay with you, after all the lies and all the tears cried. What makes you so ******* special?

Too often we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone… too often we wait too long to say “I’m sorry, I was wrong” There’s nothing scarier then getting what you want, cause that’s when you really have something to lose.

I’m mad at myself for crying, I don’t even remember the reason but the tears keep flowing and they just wont stop I’m supposed to be strong but everything’s so wrong Maybe sometimes you just have to say what’s in your heart, not just what you think someone wants to hear I’m sorry that I’m not the one you wanted that I made your life ****** up its not telling you how I feel that scares me. Its what you’ll say back that does.

Learn from your past, move on, grow stronger. People are fake, but let your trust last longer. Do what you got to do, but always stay true, and never let anyone get the best of you.

I think it’s time that I let you go. And it’s really hard for me to do because I know that there’s a part of me that will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But this while running in place and day dreaming is just not healthy for either of us.

Not everything’s gonna be picture perfect… Things sometimes take time and have rough times to get through… Before you can get there but if you give up on things you want, everything you’ve gone through ends up being completely worthless If one day you realize that I haven’t talked to you in a while it’s not because I don’t care anymore it’s because you pushed me away and just left me there…

The higher you build the walls around your heart, the harder you fall when someone tears them down.
Just hit play and watch my life fall apart I can’t help myself I don’t want anyone else You are unmistaken ably my first love. Every guy I am with for the rest of my life will be compared to you Hold me when I cry, sleep with me on my drenched pillow, just for one night.
I know it’s hard to love me, but couldn’t you please just try anyway?
Time and time again, I forgave you. I’ve forgiven you for things that I swore to myself I’d never forgive someone for… and here you are, still hurting me, and I still forgive you And these break up songs Are making sense again And I really wish they didn’t.

It’s amazing after all we’ve been through the good times and the bad how we can walk past each other and pretend like it never happened give each other an awkward smile and move on It’s really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go but its even more painful to ask someone to stay if they never wanted to stay.

A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.
You didn’t intentionally break my heart, you even said you were sorry, but I cried anyway… I know the truth that you’re to scared to admit, you’re with her, but when you look at me, you can’t even remember her name

I’m  hurt. I am always getting my heart broken over and over. My heart has so many scars and bruises all over it. I don’t know how much just one heart can
take really, and I don’t really want to find out either.
After a while, you learn the difference between holding a hand, and falling in love. You’ll learn kisses don’t always mean something. Promises can be broken just as easily as they were made, and as hard as it is to believe, sometimes goodbyes are forever.

Life doesn’t hurt until you have time to yourself to think about how things have changed, who you’ve lost along the way, and how much of it is your fault.
It’s like once you’ve been hurt, you’re so scared to get attached again. you have this fear that every person you start to fall for, is just going to break your heart again If you don’t love me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best Make me stay Say something sweet and tender and untrue and make me stay.

The hardest thing about knowing you don’t love me
is that you spent so much time pretending that you did Like being in love there must be a corresponding painful side like losing in love, it’s just a fact of life You really know you love someone when all you want is for them to be happy, even if that means that you are not a part of me It’s not my fault if I can’t help looking at you. It’s not my fault if I can’t stop calling you. It’s not my fault I do like you. My only mistake was to fall to much in love with you Sometimes – no matter how long, or how much you love someone, they will never love you back and somehow you have to learn to be okay with that.

If your gonna make me cry, at least be there to wipe away the tears.
I’m holding on to something that used to be there hoping it will come back, knowing it won’t There’s always that one special person that no matter what they do to you, you just cant let them go At first, I cried because I didn’t have you why do I still cry now that I do?
How could you make me love you and then not be there to love me back?

I sit here and think about everything that happened this past week and not a single tear runs down my cheek. Maybe its because I’m too hurt to cry, or maybe I’m just to mad at you Maybe just  its my hearts way of telling me this isn’t over yet What do you do when the only person who can stop your tears is the one making you cry I’d like to think I’ll be happy again, but I really need to just stop and cry now, and sometimes I wish I could just scream at you, and show you what you do to me.

And even though you lied, and even though you pretended to care I can’t seem to get you out of my mind and even though it seems like I should be over you, with every tear that falls, it reminds me of how much I am still in love with you.

Have you ever hated somebody so much that you wish they would just leave and never come back but yet, loved them so much, you knew you'll die if they did?
I’ve been through this pain before I’ve even cried these tears before but to get you back, I’d go through so much more  I’m going to smile like nothings wrong, talk like everythings perfect, act like its just a dream and pretend that she’s not hurting me The truth of the matter is, I still have feelings for you And no matter how many times I tell myself that I’m better off with out you, a part of me just won’t let go I know I made a lot of stupid mistakes in my life, but the worst one was thinking the person who hurt me the most wouldn’t hurt me again.

I feel like I am sitting in a room full of people that I love, and you know what, they just don’t care that I love them. They don’t care whether or not I live or die. To them I’m just another person , just another stranger. To me, they are my best friends, the only people I have left I’m scared to fall in love, scared to fall fast, because every time I fall in love, it never seems to last You’re the reason I live and the reason I die, you’re the reason.

I smile yet break down and cry, you’re the reason I keep going and the reason I fall, cause without you in my life I’m nothing at all I have waited for you for years and I will wait for you for the rest of my life. Even if that means I have to give you up for the rest of my life, I will wait for you.

I’m gonna smile, because I wanna make you happy, laugh, so you won’t see me cry. I’m gonna let you go in style, and even if it kills me, I’m gonna smile.
Love? It’s kind of complicated, but I’ll tell you this the second you’re willing to make yourself miserable to make someone else happy, that’s love right there.

You asked me what was wrong, I smiled and said nothing, when you turned around and a tear came down and I whispered to myself everything is.
I used to think that if I loved you enough you would realize it and love me back,
I don’t know which is worse, keeping your love for someone a secret or telling them and risk being rejected I don’t know which is worse, loving someone knowing its going to cause you pain or being in pain because you can’t love someone It hurts to realize that them people you thought you’d love for life don’t love you as much as you thought they did and can do without you as if they never knew you at all It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall.
Ever notice that the people who hurt you the most are the ones you tend to love more It’s funny the way you can get use to the tears and the pain.
No more crying, I can’t cry anymore. Don’t take my hand this time. Just go please and don’t look back, because I know if you did, I’d come running back to you and I can’t do that.

I’m glad you’re happy. I can’t say that I’m completely happy for you but I guess that’s just a part of life, I’ll always have feelings for you but the rest of the world is forcing me to move on.
I would rather leave now still loving you then to leave later hating you.
Broken heart again. Another lesson learned. Better know your friends. Or you will get burned.

Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow; we must fail in order to know. Sometimes our vision only clears after our eyes are washed away with tears.
Walk home drowning these memories in the rain biting my lip to transfer this pain, your gone and I’m still going through withdrawals, next time around I’ll build a stronger wall You and me are inevitable, you’re all that makes me happy but if you break my heart again, I’ll **** you.

I’ve been laying here all night, listening to the rain. Talking to my heart and trying to explain. Why sometimes I catch myself wondering what might have been. Yes I do think about you, every now and then I’m not afraid of heights, I’m afraid of falling. I’m not scared of the dark, I’m scared of what’s in it. I’m not afraid of love, I’m afraid of not being loved back.

I didn’t ask for it to be over, but then again, I didn’t ask for it to begin. For that’s the way it is with life, as some of the most beautiful days come completely by chance I wish I saved all the tears I cried for you so I could ******* drown you in them.

I hate the way I could never hate you.
I want to cry, I really do, but I guess I just don’t want to give you the satisfaction of knowing that you hurt me once again I remember when I still believed the things you said You can’t just cling on to something because it’s familiar Difficult or easy, pleasant or bitter, you are the same you; I cannot live, with or without you.

This time its over I’m keeping my heart, I’m gonna be strong and not fall apart it’ll get better, I’ll no longer cryin a couple of weeks I won’t want to die, I won’t want to go back. I’ll be able to sleep, it won’t hurt so bad and it won’t hurt so deep!

It hurts to see someone you love ignoring you, it also hurts to see that he doesn’t feel your love. But it hurts even more to know that he loves you too, and just doesn’t want you to know Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don’t yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings I’d rather be your lover then your friend, but I’d rather be your friend then your nobody.

I’ve convinced everyone else that I don’t like you

Chorus Every things a fog. All I done so wrong. Whatevevers left is hard. Everythings not fair. Everyone upstairs. Every emotion I feel is just A fear. But if I hold on tight, if I speak my mind. Maybe this will better in the end. Cause this picture right here is a blur. And I'm stuck in the middle of the world.

I see the faces from the bus station single me out. In the spotlight like Y life is a crime. I want to hide. I try to explain my problems to them. But they can't understand. What am I supposed to do then. I'll remain sleep walking through all mysery. Tripping on my shoe laces not tied. And breaking away from mis deeds. In this I confide.

Chorus Every things a fog. All I done so wrong. Whatevevers left is hard. Everythings not fair. Everyone upstairs. Every emotion I feel is just A fear. But if I hold on tight, if I speak my mind. Maybe this will better in the end. Cause this picture right here is a blur. And I'm stuck in the middle of the world.

Maybe you can help maybe you have heard my cry. But could to care less of this mess that you left out in the mud. When I was the potters clay. But till this day why did you make me. I'm asking what is so real. About how I feel. Oh so scared Is what's unseen.

Chorus Every things a fog. All I done so wrong. Whatevevers left is hard. Everythings not fair. Everyone upstairs. Every emotion I feel is just A fear. But if I hold on tight, if I speak my mind. Maybe this will better in the end. Cause this picture right here is a blur. And I'm stuck in the middle of the hurt.

I'm a stranger. A curious undecided answer. Your decision where shoild i be placed next. Am I riddle that you can't figure out. throw me to the ditches and discard my thoughts. From the fustration of it all. Will you find me lost. I'll finnally trust in the cost of your blood.

Chorus Every things a fog. All I done so wrong. Whatevevers left is hard. Everythings not fair. Everyone upstairs. Every emotion I feel is just A fear. But if I hold on tight, if I speak my mind. Maybe this will better in the end. Cause this picture right here is a blur. And I'm waiting for the turn of the century to pass by me

i feel the sun
and i'm slowly burning
but it feels good
so it's not concerning
no school
no learning
time is turning
joint burning
i wish i could live in the summer
where it's still warm when it gets dimmer
i wish i could live in the summer
where everythings tinged with a glimmer

The world blurs,
As the storm clouds my vision.
I struggle to stand straight,
I cant stand at all...

My breathing is shallowed,
My head is seeing double..
What is this?
Why am I weak?

Stand... Straight..
I cant see...
This world is spinning,
All around me..  

*(faints)

What is the sound of love
But sweet nothings
I whisper to myself

The sound of heartbreak
But your silence
When I say them.

When is the time right
To float on cloud nine

When it is time
To fall flat-faced on the ground.

It stings
To have a wrong fixed

To be set free
A pillow wet with tears.

What is heartbreak
But sweet everythings
I whisper in your ear

The sound of love
But my words pounding
Through your heart.

Empty block
Full of everythings
To be carved into something
That was already in there

Finally revealed
It wasn't hidden by the unremoved pieces
But rather by billions of other shapes
That all sat juxtaposed
And each with just as much of a right
To emerge as the chosen shape did

Fragments of The Others
Worthy of reverence
Lay strewn on the floor
They gave themselves
That The One could exist
Those that never were
The unseen

Look up at the night sky and see how beautiful it all is
How perfectly placed each and every celestial body is
And how each play their individual roles in the ultimate
destiny of all everythings

Now

Look up at the night sky and see how it will never be the same again
How nothing anywhere in anywhere will ever be where they were
And how each moment once passed will never come back as such too
is the destiny of all everythings

But

Look up at the night sky and see into the past of the universe
Now you're now staring into a memory of everything that was
And realize how precious each moment is, in the present
The destiny of all everythings happens every now

So

Look around you, not at the sky or the stars, for that is now just a memory
See the beauty of the world around you, not above you
Make each moment count, because though it passes
You have made a difference in the destiny of all everythings


Yesterday is abundant, Tomorrow is plentiful, but today is...

*F l  e   e    t     i      n       g........

I am the universe.
I am abstract.
I am a collection of nothings and everythings.
My very being is a quantam equation,
Drowned in emotion
while being completely numb
Longing for a good life
and also for the sweet serenity that is death.
I am not a solid structure
but rather a blur of colour and motion
Whose beauty is undermined by many
and cast out by most.
But still I stay true to my own colours,
even if I don't particularly fancy the painting.
My colours are vast
and individually very beautiful.
I am working on seeing them as they are--
blended and confusing and unclear--
and seeing that as beautiful.
I am abstract.
I am the universe.

I am the universe.
I am woven with the threads of existence
and infinity.
I am at my beginning,
small and undeveloped
with the capability for so much.
One day I will erupt
in a brilliant display of power,
displaying myself boldly and spectacularly
But for now I hold it within,
my potential growing and growing
until something within me happens just right
and I can truly blossom.
I will use my power to build myself up
until I don't have to try anymore.
They say I will get so big
that I will destroy myself,
crushing myself back down to nothing
To less than nothing.
But I think that's happened before,
because I am nothing at the moment
And nothingness has never been so valuable.
I am woven with the threads of existence
and infinity.
I am the universe.

I am the universe.
I am beautifully unaware of myself
while creating something even more fantastic
Than my destiny tells me I can be
Because I am nebulae and galaxies
and starts and planets
and vast expanses of so-called "emptiness"
That is really filled
with gorgeous, deep, silken black.
I am the stars aligned,
the pure work of billions of subatomic particles
buzzing about frantically with their errands,
not even knowing what those errands are--
Just knowing that what they are doing
is what they must do.
I am the miracle of life
and the beauty of death
and the thrill of everything in between.
I am the mystery of what comes before birth
and the fear of what comes after dying.
I am the cosmos looking at its own reflection
Observing itself
Knowing itself
Being itself
I am massive, yet so, so small
but I question my worth
every time I dare to glance at the fibers
That hold together the fabric of my being.
I am eternity;
I am the clock which sits unnoticed
until I am needed,
or when boredom strikes and I become a last resort
To lessen the loneliness.
But the truth is,
I am loneliness.
I am a broken heart,
my blood seeping into all that is.
I am the tears welling in the eyes
of the kid down the street
Who has no choice
but to take a blade to his skin
just to breathe again.
I am his breath.
I am the ground beneath him
and the sky above him.
I am the face he sees in the mirror;
I am the hatred he sees when he looks at it.
I am the love in his soul
The blood in his veins
The scent of his skin
The beating of his heart
I am his heart.

I am the universe.

I  shrouded
my shame
behind blacked
out
sunglasses
and spiked my
lies with
deep
red wine .

i was once  a stray dog hungry for affection and adoration, a terrible narcissist stuck with this forlorn and poignant emotions

i was once a substance of melting sorrow and self-loath



then you came

and everythings changed

I dont know what to do
I am so confused
Everythings so fuzzy
Its all clouded up
My mind is spining
Its a whirlpool
Im high
Im low
Everythings so fuzzy
Im all clouded up
My vision is bluring
Everything is going so fast!
I cant keep up
I need that rush
That high
That low
Everythings so fuzzy
Im needing
Wanting
Craving
A high
A low.

We are surrounded by shatter broken  beer bottles, wine coolers gone to waste.
We've gone to war inside our own heads, pulling ourselves into corners and kitchens and couch cushions where all I can think is how pretty you look tonight
I can feel my heart beat to the technicolor rhythm of your butterfly gas leak eyes
"This music hurts my heart I want to leave now" is what you whisper to me under dropped basses and stepped dubs
"I know" is what I whisper back alongside the same sad forget-your-worries rhythm
So we leave, floating over alcohol puff swollen bodies left behind by unreliable boy-girlfriends sick of cleaning ***** out of the back of their pickup trucks
And we roll our sickly drunken souls to the Mcdonalds where they give  you coffee to get rid of wasted smashed faces if you're underage and alcohol-laced
we sober up over cold coffee and scalding fries
We sober up,
But I get drunk on your candy stained mouth as you pour out lies you've never told anyone before
I want to let you know all my favourites, all my secrets, all my everythings
But I don't.
And after that pretty pretty night
where we sobered up
but I got drunk on you
The only time I see you
Is past someone else's head
As I smash my drunken lips to theirs.

You just don't understand me.
I feel like I'm talking to a ******* wall.
And to be honest.
I'm done.
And tired.
I'm tired of having this fake smile plastered on my face.
Everything isn't all fine and dandy.
I'm. .. Lost.
I'm outcasted.
And no matter how much I say I accept it...
It doesn't make me feel like I belong anywhere.
I belong no where.
I don't belong here.
Im sorry.  
But this girl   has forever stopped smiling.
And no this isn't my suicide note.
Believe me,I wish it was...
This is a piece of paper... with a bunch of truth written on it.

And these truths are my feelings deep down.
The feelings that created these scars.
The feelings I try so desperately to hid.
Yeah. There's nothing for me here. Is what I think. I'm just wasted space.
I don't belong in this world of...perfects.
Im just a girl who doesnt feel that im good enough.
On the outside I smile like everythings fine.
But on the inside I break and crumble wishing these days would finally be over.
I try to think happy. But all I get in return is rejection?
No matter how much I sing beautiful day by U2 or Bad Day...
My life just doesn't turn around.
I don't have one friend that I can talk to.
And I can't talk...because...
My problems. I just can't  I convey.

Don’t worry
I’ll build you a house in the soft upper spot in my heart
There wont be Barbie’s, or neighbors
And we wont smoke, so we’ll be too good for crystal ash trays
I’ll purchase a porcelain tub so we wont need showers
Our clothes will all be tailored, so we wont need belts
It’s so warm, why not just be barefoot
It suited us just fine as innocent children
so you won’t even need to worry about seeing hard steal or hot leather
Everythings magic so I wont need to pull ropes or need to drag out a ladder
Who needs popcorn, when we have a garden
And the sun is so gracious, mud wont follow us inside
In the soft spot of my heart, its been vulnerable too
but we're still alive

I take this pill every night
To fool  you into thinking everything is alright
To hide this B r o k e n  heart
From the very likes of you
And shrink my feelings down so no one knows whats true
I act like it's okay
Like everythings alright
But after everything has anyone seen the knife
Does anyone see the blood or the tears that I have shed
Or is my life a ******* broken mirror forever to be dead
I shatter like I'm glass
I break just like a bone
And I won't let anyone in because I'm destinted to be alone
I shiver like I'm cold
When all I need is you
Somthing to hold on to too help me sleep at night
Using people like this will I ever be alright?

Hush little Whisper
dont you cry
Daddys gonna sing you a lullaby
and when the lullabys all said and done
Mommas gonna sing another one
and when that songs done and gone
Daddys gonna buy you a dead mockingbird
And when that mockingbird tries to sing
Daddys gonna  stab it with a blade
Then hes gonna go far far away
And leave you to fend for youself
and youll cry youself to sleep every night
and Mommas gonna **** herself with a knife
Hush little Whisper
dont you cry
not everything is at it seems
and one day its all too much
and you whisper to yourself
"Hush little Whisper
dont you cry
everythings gonna be alright

In another day, in another year, in another life."

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being “in love” which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two. - Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.
nov 1, 09
you had me standing with chattering teeth in the novemeber chill. the first time i had spoken to you in weeks. i was holding myself together so well. and then i broke. like you knew i would. hell we both knew it.
red box.hat.scent.shirts.skin.warmth.silence.depth.heart.wrecking.
we­re held to the touch of wrong. the sweet eyes of hidden truth. you have now set me up twice but i like being taken advantage of when its you taking.i am the perfect descripiton of your sweetest downfall, your only downfall.i want this all to come. come straight into me again like you always did. i mean i saw you smile when you wanted to walk away. but something in you made you stay.you could have broken my grip in half but instead you laughed at the jokes you wished you didnt have to hear. and i know this never happened. we never happened.ever. so im writing about a night that didnt exist.your hands slipping over skin.trembling under the brush of your hand.shaking all over like it was happening all over again.
“everything is so ****** up now. what do we have to lose now? everythings all ****** up.”
“am i just going crazy cuz i miss you?”-atmosphere.
i think you were impressed by the outcome of my words.

this past weekend I tried to have *** with you
and you said you were not ready
and that that was ridiculous
because i am the girl that you've been going insane about for the last year
a whole ******* year
that is incredible
i think that is absolutely lovely
all i was trying to do was make you happy
He told me that being intimate and close to someone was the only way to achieve such a thing
at least it was implied
numerous times
and one of the only reasons he gave for breaking up with me
not good enough in the sack
well *******
i am an insecure mess and i need someone to guide me through the deflowering process
we don't all study ****
you inconsiderate pig
i loved you and trusted you and you took me in when i was very confused and fragile
and you manipulated that because you think it's interesting to do social experiments
on girls who seem odd
it's not fair
although i do thank you
for having the courtesy
of saying I love you first
i was so afraid that would never happen
and now this isn't even a poem
it's a diary rant
and i am once again a baby in diapers
******* my pants
waiting for you to come
pick me up again
and tell me everythings ok
i still love you
remember?

What a wonderful thing
It was to taste you
A mixture of sweet savory
And sensual
I cherished the feral
Passion and feverishness
As we stayed entwined
Your touch-a spark
And I breathed embers for you

Lets go for a walk now
You'll find subtle changes
The grass a little longer
A chair in the trash
You'll see as you go further
Emmersed in all the stages
You won't even notice
All you've left back
Everythings different
Yet stays the same
You'll search for answers again and again
And if you're lucky you'll find some warmth
Someone to hold you through floods and through storms
Outside there's a blanket
A canopy of stars
I tried to show you which one is mars
Sometimes it feels like were already there
The only people for miles living life without care
Everythings different
Yet stays the same
You'll search for answers again and again
And if you're lucky you'll find some warmth
Someone to hold you through floods and through storms
Everything is quiet
Except for the echo
The uncertainty of what you should let go
I will not cry no I've realized
Good times never die
Good times never die
Everythings different
Yet stays the same
You'll search for answers again and again
And if you're lucky you'll find some warmth
Someone to hold you through floods and through storms

A half-breed is what I am
Its a term that I use loosely
Proud to be described as such
The product of my parents who are
Of opposite backgrounds
I have been exposed to the best,
And worst, of both their worlds
I use this exposure to my advantage
My knowledge allows me to adapt

The Mandells taught me manners
With little white gloves
And a matching hat
Salad fork and dinner fork
Napkin on my lap
Eating shrimp and sipping milk
Baked brisket and baked goods
Spanish Cream and Charlotte Rousse
are variations of the same food

Peanut butter and jelly?
Ill have lamb chops, dad would say
Live-in maid and manicured lawn
Apple trees out back
Playing Cowboy with play guns
Country Club and Boy Scout Camp
Silver service, crystal glasses,
Matching furnishings
Copenhagen figurines
Everythings antique
Draw the drapes in the evening
Mandell & Dreyfus Clothing Store
Located right downtown
He was well fed and well clothed
Under a beautiful roof
Lacking only a sense of real family

The Sisneros taught me family
It was all they could afford
Hillbillies raised in a rural place
Ranching and rodeos and rundown rock houses
Ten of them in a two-room house,
No running water, with dirt floors,
Ceiling plastered with catalog pages with
Flower water used for paste
Playing Sears Catalog paper dolls
Grandma had too many mouths to feed
To worry about how good it tastes
She cooked a mass
She made it fast, a little burnt
Tortillas, Chile, and beans
Typical New Mexican cuisine
Chicken Necks,
Baked small intestine
Wound around left over fat,
Bull Testicles, Blood, Liver,
Dead flies trapped in scrambled eggs
Grandpa stabbing pies
Nothing wasted

Music, singing, and dance
Thats how they passed the time
Spending evenings entertaining
Grandpa singing, guitar playing
Classic Spanish and
Country songs from that time

And these two who spawned me
For I am their offspring
Came together when they were
Not much younger than me
And have been ever since

Their races and classes
Are what set them apart
As opposite as morning and afternoon
When I once thought I should choose
Which ethnicity and which religion
I should be relating to
They allowed me to form my own ideas
My own sense of spirituality
Who I am
Feeling what I feel
Believing what I please
These two people
They just let me be

The days that are most full are the days spent pretending we weren’t waiting.
Our organs churn like machines producing twice their expected amount
Of free-flowing adrenaline, which we give a task to circle, rather than the drain
Of lonely, gut-wrenching “what-if-tomorrows”.

There’s the waking struggle of swinging your feet from your bed and testing your floor
And hearing a scream bubbling forth from the lethe, tickling at the daybreak,
And knowing that you must wrestle, mash, and toast it into a tasty breakfast morsel
Lest it overwhelm the dawn with restless shadows.

We drag the lengthy hours through the mud, fatiguing their thread, living mercilessly
Until they no longer resemble time, but immeasurable intangible everythings.
There can be no counting of patchwork days, only the art of making them count
What a productive little distraction, so I can pretend that I’m not waiting.

If walls told stories
you and I’d be the most interesting
During the day theres nothing to say
At night the sinners come out to play

They’d start from the beginning
In the rooms everythings sweating
The walls are damp ,
in between my legs,
the middle of your pants

Our mouths are wet with a formula for ***
Kiss me,
bite my neck,
whats next?
you're *****
I’m wet

Then the sweat freezes over
He rarely sees her
She is submissive
All she does is pleases
Sticks around for no reason

He realizes this
Doesn’t want her
Go away
She refused
“Want me.”
She stays

Tonight,
under the stars
that condemned us,
it finally felt right.
You and I
talking again,
so effortlessly.
It was like
we were never scraped
out from eachothers hearts.
It felt like
the past year,
where everything
was messed up and
we didn't speak
all just disappeared.
once again,
you and I were beautiful.
And it hurts like hell
because tomorrow
I know you'll fall
back into her arms
disregarding that we ever spoke.

We All so touchy Feely..But we dont want to be held...All in everything...but we dont want to be found..So We hide in the tall grass..stalking out our prey...Please dont run to fast..Still i want You to stay...together well not really...Cuz I just want you for your soul...But Im so touchy feely...So your body is my goal...So pirate we should be mates...Im just looking for your *****...and If I walk you down my plank..I beg you dont be moody...Cuz you so touch feely...it only was a joke...hurt you no not really...Till you come stabbin at my thorat...then you will be held... accounted for your deeds..Quite down your loud...Cuz everythings a need...Cuz your so touchy feely...little things set you off...Hide it no not really...Cuz your mind to me is Lost...So can i bring it back..Is this really what you want...opposites attract...Touchy feely meet a Blunt....