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Maria Williams Jul 2021
Where has my inspiration gone?
Down the toilet with the pills.
In your stomach full of alcohol.
While I'm starving.
History perpetually repeats itself
Full of intent.
Full of regret.
Repent!
Looping lines inside my head
Trying to write again.
Tell me what to swallow
To regain hope.
Maria Williams Nov 2017
Stuck in between
Sleep
And dreams.
This life I have
Is but a grain of sand.
Tiny.
Insignificant.
Dot.
And I'm floating in space
Again.
Memorizing the stars
Escaping my view.
So maybe I'll be able
to find my way back home.
To you.
Dead trees
I still have planted roots.
And I'm swaying in bed
To the drums in my head.
Grasping bed sheets
Gasping breaths.
Until that final
Sweet release
The last beat.
The last inhale
Of smoke.
Choking on black tar.
Black lullibies.
Singing songs
To me.
As I circulate
Back to self
Body bruised.
Heart destroyed.
Soul,
Nonexistent.
Maria Williams Mar 2017
I'm falling into the same patterns
Again.
Not making a sound.
Of sacrificing feelings
Just to keep them around.
When will I escape the bond
My heavy head holds
On my vast heart.
Continuous lessons
In the dark.
*******.
I'm going back to the start.
You'll never penetrate
The concrete walls
Of this castle I've built.
It might be time to say
Goodbye.
Before you give me the chance
To even say
Hello.
Because starting is always easier
Than letting go.
You left as fast as you came.
Maybe I'm just pushing you away.
Stuck in a stagnant life
Entitled hope.
Hope for the best
But inevitably
Expect the worst.
Is that how it goes?
When will I meet the end of my rope?
I climb.
I'm climbing.
Up and up,
But
It feels like I'm constantly falling.
I'm driving down a one way road,
Swirving through oncoming traffic.
Constantly hitting brick walls,
When I feel like a ghost.
I should be able to travel through space and time, without touching anything,
Right?
It's morning again.
And I find myself asking
If you even remember my name?
Because, again, I can't remember anything.
Wake up
And take a sip.
Take a ****.
Go to work.
Puke your guts.
Repeat.
Repetitive
Relapses.
And you have the power to change.
But it's your choice to stay.
And I can't begin
To let you in
With the exit music
Always playing in the background.
Maria Williams Mar 2017
Let's dance on the past
For awhile.
For the night.
Thinking about things
That just aren't right.
She's your favorite person cuz
She ****** you right?
Unbenounst to you,
She's the love of my life.
And *******,
I don't even know why.
My ******* soul is entwined.
I just wanna stop the noise.
There is no such thing as joy
Or hope.
My neck is tied,
Hung from a rope.
I like to choke.
On words
Both said and
Unread
Snort some **** to escape the inevitable end.
Oh yeah, let's just ******* pretend.
Pretend real emotions mean nothing in the end.
Maria Williams Mar 2017
What happens when you have a broken heart?
Does  it fill with blood and burst?
Does it bend to fit in the tiniest box,
locked up in your chest.
Entwined in your rib cage.
Does it pull to the left or to the right?
Does it hurt and ache?
Does it long or yearn?
Does it feel at all?
Is it an old familiar stabbing pain?
Is it dull or like roaring flames?
Is it hard to breathe or even to see?
Is it a panic attack, or just me?
It's a ******* explosion.
It's asking what ifs.
It's reflection.
It's the past.
It's a constant.
It's a constallation in the far out space.
It's the space between you and me.
It's a ******* monstrosity.
It's a game.
It's a mind ****.
It's a lie.
It's life.
It's love.
Maria Williams Mar 2017
A break in the barrier
Of my universe.
Let you seep
Through the cracks.
But I think
I got swallowed into
A black hole.
Because I feel like
I'm constantly falling
Into your eyes.
It's like seeing the sunrise
From the bed in my basement.
The fear of leaving this island
That I've created.
When will I escape it?
When will I ever learn how to
Not sky dive without a parachute?
When will I learn how to not drown
In the depths of someone else's hurt?
You say all the things
That are jumbled up
Inside.
Even if they don't
Come out
Quite right.
Sleepless nights
Drugs eating away at
Your insides.
You're inside.
You're inside
My basement.
No windows to see
If the suns shining
Losing time.
You're losing time
You're losing time
Again.
So I sit,
And watch.
Silently beg
And falter at your feet.
Pleading.
Please
Please just be free.
Escape your mind.
Escape me.
Be your own personal rainbow.
Be your own personal jesus.
Be anything.
Just be.
Just be.
Just breathe.
Maria Williams Mar 2017
****,
I'm at it again.
Believing that caring exists.
When most people
Are just in your life
To make you feel like ****.
This feels like ****.
Letting people in.
But not too close.
Ok?
You inevitably
Will just always be
An arms length away
Emotions just make people crazed.
And then you have to go back to the first line.
Because when the ending comes
You just rewrite the rhyme.
When the end comes
You just add a quaint line.
When the end comes,
It's never really an end.
Because you're always begining again.
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