You'll think I'm all in,
When I'm really 1 foot out the door.
Building myself up,
So I can close it for good.
And lock it away.
Never looking back.
There is no going back
After this.
Hopes loves lost.
I believed you.
I believed in you. In us.
Only for you to betray my trust.
You're only after lust.
Hope you're happy with yourself.
You've lost the family we were building.
And for what?

I'm losing.
Again.
But the loss is drawn out.
Time is precious
Because all we have is the moments
Between when you found out you were dying
And the moment you'll forget me.
And I regret losing time.
I regret the nots
I regret the enoughs
When I should have kept my mouth shut.
I regret not having time
Enough.

How could you?
How could you be so reckless with my soul?
I broke down walls,
I unchained my rib cage
I served you my heart on a
Silver platter,
Just for you to take
A bite when you were hungry.
Just for you to come and go
As you please.
Always putting yourself first,
Myself, an afterthought.
I once again know pain
And loss.
I once again am losing my mind
At the thought.
Why do I hold on so tightly
To people
Who just destroy me?

Where has my inspiration gone?
Down the toilet with the pills.
In your stomach full of alcohol.
While I'm starving.
History perpetually repeats itself
Full of intent.
Full of regret.
Repent!
Looping lines inside my head
Trying to write again.
Tell me what to swallow
To regain hope.

Stuck in between
Sleep
And dreams.
This life I have
Is but a grain of sand.
Tiny.
Insignificant.
Dot.
And I'm floating in space
Again.
Memorizing the stars
Escaping my view.
So maybe I'll be able
to find my way back home.
To you.
Dead trees
I still have planted roots.
And I'm swaying in bed
To the drums in my head.
Grasping bed sheets
Gasping breaths.
Until that final
Sweet release
The last beat.
The last inhale
Of smoke.
Choking on black tar.
Black lullibies.
Singing songs
To me.
As I circulate
Back to self
Body bruised.
Heart destroyed.
Soul,
Nonexistent.

I'm falling into the same patterns
Again.
Not making a sound.
Of sacrificing feelings
Just to keep them around.
When will I escape the bond
My heavy head holds
On my vast heart.
Continuous lessons
In the dark.
*******.
I'm going back to the start.
You'll never penetrate
The concrete walls
Of this castle I've built.
It might be time to say
Goodbye.
Before you give me the chance
To even say
Hello.
Because starting is always easier
Than letting go.
You left as fast as you came.
Maybe I'm just pushing you away.
Stuck in a stagnant life
Entitled hope.
Hope for the best
But inevitably
Expect the worst.
Is that how it goes?
When will I meet the end of my rope?
I climb.
I'm climbing.
Up and up,
But
It feels like I'm constantly falling.
I'm driving down a one way road,
Swirving through oncoming traffic.
Constantly hitting brick walls,
When I feel like a ghost.
I should be able to travel through space and time, without touching anything,
Right?
It's morning again.
And I find myself asking
If you even remember my name?
Because, again, I can't remember anything.
Wake up
And take a sip.
Take a ****.
Go to work.
Puke your guts.
Repeat.
Repetitive
Relapses.
And you have the power to change.
But it's your choice to stay.
And I can't begin
To let you in
With the exit music
Always playing in the background.

Let's dance on the past
For awhile.
For the night.
Thinking about things
That just aren't right.
She's your favorite person cuz
She ****** you right?
Unbenounst to you,
She's the love of my life.
And *******,
I don't even know why.
My ******* soul is entwined.
I just wanna stop the noise.
There is no such thing as joy
Or hope.
My neck is tied,
Hung from a rope.
I like to choke.
On words
Both said and
Unread
Snort some **** to escape the inevitable end.
Oh yeah, let's just ******* pretend.
Pretend real emotions mean nothing in the end.