My therapist told me that
I should try remembering something good you did for me,
Instead of focusing on the bad
I told her nothing good ever came from what should have been good from you
She said that there must be something,
That I would think of it eventually
She suggested I make a list
     Good on one side, bad on the other side
In my head, I think of how ironic that is

So here I am
At 5 in the morning
And I've been tossing and turning,
Racking my brain for your something good,
When all I can see when I close my eyes is yours,
And how alike yours are to mine
I write that down on the bad column

I’m staring at the bad,
Searching for your good
Coming up empty, not for the first time this week (the past 5 years)
I turn the page over, looking at the back bad column
      Your bad filled up the front already
For a second, as I’m flipping back and forth,
Trying to make sure I didn't leave something out,
I wonder if I would make you proud

I’m temporary sidetracked by the fact that you would probably be proud
Of me,
Of the me I am now,
The one that sees a therapist
And sees your eyes when I try to sleep
Yeah, it’d probably make you jump for joy
To know that you've ****** someone else up for a change,
Instead of just getting ****** and not in the fun way

6 a.m. and I’m still thinking about that empty side
How the page isn't even and why that bothers me
I think to myself of revenge, ways that I could hurt you like you did me
I write that on the bad side too, even though it’s the bad side of me
      Not just you
I’m wondering if I would have been writing this list,
Instead of sleeping, if you hadn't came into my life, my family

6:15 a.m. and I’m doodling in the margins
Drawing pretty flowers, watching them get droopier as I move down the margin
I start to remember the electric blue nail polish your mom gave me
When she came to pack your stuff and take you with her
That used to be my favorite nail polish
I add that to the good list
To this day, I never found that exact color
I add that to the bad

I’m sure I have a creepy smile on my face;
Taking into consideration, that the only good thing I can think of from you,
Wasn't even from you
As I get settled back into my bed,
I think of that day when the giant U-Haul stopped in our driveway,
Coming to get you for the very last time
I add that U- haul to the good list

When I feel myself finally drifting,
I finally think of an actual good thing you gave me;
The best thing you gave me,
I think of you getting in that U-Haul
And never coming back
I add that to the good side

I used to put our foreheads together just to feel our souls joyfully connect.
I’d stroke your eyebrows and your perfect cheek bones.
And your eyes. Your right one just droopier than the other
id kiss their lids, thanking them for their loving gaze.
I used to rub my fingers through your soft peachy hairs.
I’d give it a playful tug when it got a little longer and frizzy.
When we drove, I loved to stare at your beauty while I just rubbed your head, and thought about how perfect forever with you sounded.
I used to crawl into our bed after a long day with the blessing of being able to sleep next to you.
Naked, our bodies grew fonder and fonder of each other with each passing day.
I loved it when you would lay your worried head on my chest. Strong and independent, but still my babe, my love, my all of it.