I've been acquainted with the following
psychoactives compounds:

Depressants & Dissociatives;
Ethanol / EtOH / alcohol, drink, *****
γ-Hydroxybutyric acid / GHB / G, fantasy
β-Phenyl-γ-aminobutyric acid / PhGABA / Phenibut
Dextromethorphan / DXM / Benylin, Robitussin
Morphine / Papaver somniferum / *****
3-Methylmorphine / Codeine
Dihydrocodeine / DHC
Buprenorphine / Subutex, Suboxone
N-Allylnoroxymorphone / Naloxone / Suboxone, Narcan
Tramadol / Ultram
O-Desmethyltramadol/ O-DSMT / Omnitram
Thiopental / Sodium Pentothal
Diazepam / ******
2'-Chlorodiazepam / Ro5-3448 / Diclazepam
4'-Chlorodiazepam / Ro5-4864
Chlordiazepoxide / Librium
Gidazepam, hidazepam
Desalkylgidazepam / Bromonordiazepam
N-Desalkylfluarazepam / Norfluarazepam
Flubromazepam
Alprazolam / Xanax
Bromazolam / XLI-268
Clonazolam, Clonitrazolam / Clam
Etizolam / Etilaam, Etizest
Flualprazolam
Flubromazolam
Zopiclone / Zimovane
Pagoclone
Promethazine / Phenergan
Diphenhydramine / DPH / Benadryl, Nytol
Chlorphenamine, chlorpheniramine / CPM / Piriton
Cetirizine / Zyrtec
Amitriptyline / Elavil
Tianeptine / Coaxil, Stablon
Mirtazapine / Remeron
Quetiapine / Seroquel
Nitrous Oxide / N2O / laughing gas
Amyl Nitrite / Poppers
Ketamine [racemic] / K, Kitty
Esketamine [S-isomer] / Special K
Deschloroketamine / 2'-Oxo-PCM / DCK
N-ethyldeschloroketamine / 2'-Oxo-PCE / O-PCE / Eticyclidone
Deoxymethoxetamine / 3-Me-2′-Oxo-PCE / DMXE
Methoxetamine / 3-MeO-2'-Oxo-PCE / MXE / Mexxy
Hydroxetamine / 3-**-2'-Oxo-PCE / HXE / Hexxy
Methoxpropamine / 2-Oxo-3'-MeO-PCPr / MXPr
Methoxisopropamine / 2-Oxo-3'-MeO-PCiPr / MXiPr
3-Hydroxyphencyclidine / 3-**-***
3-Methoxyphencyclidine / 3-MeO-***
3-Methoxyeticyclidine / 3-MeO-PCE
3-Methyleticyclidine / 3-Me-PCE

Stimulants & Enhancers;
1,3,7-Trimethylxanthine / Caffeine / Coffea, Camellia sinensis / Coffee, Tea
3,7-dimethylxanthine / Theobromine / [constituent of] Chocolate
N-Ethyl-L-glutamine / L-Theanine / [constituent of] Green Tea
Nicotine / Nicotiana / Tobacco, cigarettes, smokes
Ephedrine / Ephedra
Pseudoephedrine / Ephedra, Sudafed
Adrenaline, Epinephrine
Choline bitartrate
L-alpha glycerylphosphorylcholine / Alpha-GPC, Choline alfoscerate
Cytidine 5'-diphosphocholine / CDP-choline, Citicoline
N-Acetylcysteine / NAC
2-Dimethylaminoethyl (4-chlorophenoxy)acetate / Meclofenoxate
N-Phenylacetyl-L-prolylglycine ethyl ester / Omberacetam / Noopept
Coluracetam / BCI-540
4-Phenylpiracetam
Propranolol
(±)-2-Benzhydrylsulfinyleth­anehydroxamic acid / Adrafinil
(±)-2-[(Diphenylmethyl)sulfinyl]acetamide / Modafinil
(–)-2-[(R)-(diphenylmethyl)sulfinyl]acetamide / Armodafinil
α-Methylphenethylamine / Amphetamine, αMP / Speed
N-Methylamphetamine / Methamphetamine / ****
Lisdexamfetamine / Vyvanse, Tyvense, Elvanse
2-Fluoromethamphetamine / 2-FMA
3-Fluoroamphetamine / 3-FA /  PAL-353
4-Fluoroamphetamine / 4-FA, 4-FMP /  PAL-303 / Flux
4-Methoxyamphetamine / PMA, 4-MA / Death
5-Methoxy-2-aminoindane / MEAI, 5-MeO-AI / Chaperone, Pace
Methythiolpropamine / MPA / Blow
3-Fluorophenmetrazine / 3-FPM / PAL-593
Methylphenidate / MPH / Ritalin, Concerta
4-Fluoromethylphenidate / 4F-MPH
4-Fluoroethylphenidate / 4F-EPH
3-Methylmethcathinone / 3-MMC / Metaphedrone
3-Methylethcathinone / 3-MEC
4-Methylmethcathinone / 4-MMC / Mephedrone
4-Methylethcathinone / 4-MEC
3-Chloro-N-tert-butyl-cathinone / Bupropion / Wellbutrin, Zyban
4-Chloromethcathinone / 4-CMC / Clephedrone
4-Fluoromethcathinone / 4-FMC / Flephedrone
4-Fluoro-α-methylaminovalerophenone / 4-Fluoropentedrone / 4-FPD
α-Ethylaminocaprophenone / N-Ethylhexedrone / NEH / Hexen
alpha-Pyrrolidinohexiophenone / α-PHP / PV-7
alpha-Pyrrolidinoisohexaphenone / α-PiHP, α-PHiP
3,4-Methylenedioxy-α-pyrrolidinohexiophenone / MDPHP
3,4-Methyl​enedioxy​pentedrone / βk-MBDP / Pentylone
3,4-Methylenedioxymethcathinone / βk-MDMA / MDMC / Methylone
3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine / MDMA / ecstasy
5-(2-methylaminopropyl)benzofuran / 5-MAPB
6-(2-Aminopropyl)benzofuran / 6-APB / Benzofury
6-(2-Aminopropyl)-2,3-dihydrobenzofuran / 6-APDB / 4-desoxy-MDA
Mesembrine / Sceletium tortuosum, Kanna
Harmine / Peganum harmala / Syrian Rue
3,4,8-Trimethoxyphenanthrene-2,5-diol / Dendrobium nobile
NSI-189
4-chloro-N-(2-morpholin-4-ylethyl)benzamide / Moclobemide
Escitalopram / Cipralex, Lexapro
Fluoxetine / Prozac
Sertraline / Zoloft
Venlafaxine / Effexor
5-Hydroxytryptophan / 5-HTP / Oxitryptan

Hallucinogens & Psychedelics;
Cannabidiol / CBD / Cannabis
Cannabigerol / CBG / Cannabis
Δ9-Tetrahydrocannabinol / THC / Cannabis, Marijuana
Hexahydrocannabinol / HHC
AM-2201 / Synth-'noids, Spice
NM-2201 / CBL-2201
5C-AB-PINICA
Salvinorin A  / Salvia Divinorum / Diviner's Sage
d-Lysergic acid amide / d-Lysergamide / LSA / Ergine
Lysergic acid diethylamide / Lysergide / LSD, LAD / Acid, Lucy
Lysergic acid 2,4-dimethylazetidide / LSZ / Diazedine, Lambda, λ
1-Acetyl-lysergic acid diethylamide / 1A-LSD / ALD-52
1-Propionyl-lysergic acid diethylamide / 1P-LSD
1-Cyclopropionyl-N-Methyl-N-isopropyllysergamide / 1cP-MiPLA
6-Allyl-6-nor-lysergic acid diethylamide / AL-LAD / Aladdin
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methylamphetamine / DOM / Dominic
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-bromoamphetamine / DOB / Aphrodite
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-chloroamphetamine / DOC / Doctor
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methylthioamphetamine / DOT / Aleph
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methyl-α-ethylphenethylamine / 4C-D / Ariadne
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methylphenethylamine / 2C-D, 2C-M / Matrix
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-ethylphenethylamine / 2C-E / Eternity
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-bromophenethylamine / 2C-B / Nexus
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-chlorophenethylamine / 2C-C / Callisto
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-iodophenethylamine / 2C-I / Infinity
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-methylthiophenethylamine / 2C-T / Tesseract
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-ethylthiophenethylamine / 2C-T-2 / Rosy
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-fluoroethylthiophenethylamine / 2C-T-21 / Aurora
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-bromo-β-keto-phenethylamine / βk-2C-B
2,5-Dimethoxy-4-bromo-β-hydroxy-phenethylamine / βOH-2C-B / BOHB
2,3,6,7-Benzo-dihydro-difuran-8-bromo-ethylamine / 2C-B-FLY
2,5-Dimethoxy-N-(2-methoxybenzyl)-4-bromophenethylamine / 25B
2,5-Dimethoxy-N-(2-methoxybenzyl)-4-chlorophenethylamine / 25C
2,5-Dimethoxy-N-(2-methoxybenzyl)-4-iodophenethylamine / 25I
2,5-Dimethoxy-N-(2-hydroxybenzyl)-4-ethylphenethylamine / 25E-NBOH
3,4-Methylenedioxyamphetamine / MDA / Sass, Sally
3,4,5-Trimethoxyphenethylamine / Mescaline / M
3,5-Dimethoxy-4-ethoxyphenethylamine / Escaline
3,5-Dimethoxy-4-methallyloxyphenethylamine / Methallylescaline / MAL
α-Methyltryptamine / αMT / Indopan
N,N-dimethyltryptamine / DMT / The Spirit
N,N-dipropyltryptamine / DPT / The Light
N,N-Diisopropyltryptamine / DiPT / The Sound
N-Methyl-N-ethyltryptamine / MET / The Colour
N-Methyl-N-propyltryptamine / MPT
N-Ethyl-N-propyltryptamine / EPT
N-Methyl-N-isopropyltryptamine / MiPT / The Touch
4-Hydroxy-dimethyltryptamine / 4-**-DMT / Psilocybe / Psilocin
4-Phosphoryloxy-N,N-dimethyltryptamine / 4-PO-DMT / Psilocybin
4-Acetoxy-dimethyltryptamine / 4-AcO-DMT / Psilacetin
4-Hydroxy-N-methyl-N-ethyltryptamine / 4-**-MET / Metocin
4-Acetoxy-N-methyl-N-ethyltryptamine / 4-AcO-MET / Metacetin
4-Acetyloxy-N,N-dipropyltryptamine / 4-AcO-DPT / Pracetin
4-Acetoxy-N-methyl-N-cyclopropyltryptmine / 4-AcO-McPT
4-Acetoxy-N-methyl-N-isopropyltryptamine / 4-AcO-MiPT / Mipracetin
4-Hydroxy-N-methyl-N-isopropyltryptamine / 4-**-MiPT / Miprocin
5-Methoxy-N,N-dimethyltryptamine / 5-MeO-DMT / The God, The Power
5-Methoxy-N-methethyltryptamine / 5-MeO-MET / The Vision
5-Methoxy-N,N-diallyltryptamine / 5-MeO-DALT / Foxtrot
5-Methoxy-N-diisopropyltryptamine / 5-MeO-DiPT / Foxy
5-Methoxy-N-methyl-N-isopropyltryptamine / 5-MeO-MiPT / Moxy

i watch birds fly every day
i watch cars drive every day
i watch planes soar through the sky every day

i watch people falling through the ground every day
a few times a week i see children morph into nightmares
a few times a month i see my friends walk through walls
every so often i can smell a church burning down somewhere

every once in a while everything goes quiet
all the colors around me shift either 4 shades darker or 2 shades lighter
lighter
i want to be lighter
i want to be able to lift off the ground just like the birds

i want to be so light that i can slither through molecules
as thin as a paper

i want to walk through walls
i want to morph into something scarier than my nightmares
i want to remember what it feels like to not be scared of falling through the floor

i want to burn down a church

and then cry and beg for forgiveness at the feet of the lord

i had to, i'm sorry.
it was the only way to feel like he's truly gone.

i want to be high on the feeling of screaming at the top of my lungs.
but i can't find anything that raises me up enough to feel that.
diphenhydramine morphs children into nightmares.
dextromethorphan makes people fall through the ground and walk through walls
the devil himself makes me remember the smell of a
church
        burning
                 down
but i've never seen a church burn down

perhaps it's just my mind manifesting my thoughts into physical sensations

The spiders come out to play
Only to run away,
I wish they would stay. Stay, stay
Please don't leave. I like it here under heavy gravity, where I can't feel under all of this pressure. I'm numb and can't remember the sensation of being dismembered. Intense hatred burns in embers, reborn from ash a happiness lingers staining smoking fingers. Here I feel hole- of body, mind, and soul; wholly decomposed, do you hear the angel's holy notes? Oh... No? I must have been mistaken, on my bed there lies an ocean so perhaps 'twas siren's temptation? I hear a voice so gently weave a longing- a need, betwixt emotions of pride and greed. My mind is kissed with inconsistencies, laughing as I weep. To pain, this brain is a fiend; please, take it out of me. I swear I take these to fall asleep, not to feel spiders crawl across my face and through my guts, only to disappear when I look- to evade my lonely touch. My heart feels like it's crushed, and blood gushes as wrists pulse. I think I'm dying, but I don't know- maybe I'm already a ghost. Keep me afloat in this web of limbo, I like to not know, I like to be numb. The pill the bullet, my throat the gun; shoot my intestines and let my mind be gone- blown away like dust as the screens of my face play hallucinations. Reality's seams rip and run up the blurry leg of god, his face clear, his ears sewn shut but he still nods whenever I talk.
He's more real than the hope I cling on, a fly caught in the web of the arachnid's song.

-SLuR

waiting for diphenhydramine
to kick in
has left me a special place
in hell tonight
all that plays on syndicated
memories
is you telling me you've always
been this way
& I've only known "you"
drunk

you are a liar

but I already knew
this
the lump in my throat
swelled
& burst into tiny
gasps for air and tears
as I realized we may never
be as we were --
a pair of lovers
infatuated by the graces of
each other's hands
& whispers

I felt a mighty urge to open
the heart box
(where I keep your letters)
& couldn't
if I did I might believe
that all of it is
gone
all of it for
nothing
I know that isn't
true
I know of your love
& I know it is
real
the brief lapses in clarity
when you touch my legs
or play with my hair
or use your little sing-song voice
when you talk

"wherever is your heart
I call home?"
has the world eaten it
away
& made you long to be
alone?

"oh, god forgive my
mind"
when I miss
home

Forsaken nature, effigy of happiness
Radiate in sunlight
Totem to the angel of Thanatos
We, entrenched
Bespoke emotions motivate
Harbinger of stupor
Potions point skyward
Circle of sticks
Drunk with madness, archaic/futurist
A belief in life
Moving in all directions, we breathe
Levitate tables
Combed, picked and sedated
Suppress with cotton
Impress the forgotten, bathed in meat
Drowning, trickled lists, dictate infinite
Omnipotent
Radical analysts
Broken adequate
Sirens to soothe sanctum
Toothless, pews and bare footed priests
Clogged with irreverence
Confusion of the afterlife
The one with bleach stained hands
On one knee, counterpart, gone, integral
Ghost babel, patriot of purpose
Purgatory swine
A costume to cleanse Virgil
Telescopes & ritual apathy
Broken bones, oxycodones
Entrance to ozone
Deficit sadly, intrinsic in photo
Delicate, diphenhydramine dreams
Pearlescent  head
Ballooned shadows of paranoia
Fingers full of glue
Toxic shock
Risen thought, gaining pace
Emerging victorious
Whisped in black smoke
Mortal & pestle
White pills, insomnia
Perfect ratio
Golden and numeric
Pleasant, unintentional hero
White matter of fact
Carcass of industry
Severed cerebellum dotted in sentence
Coalition of morbid interest
Cryptozoology, mermaids and taxidermy
Not one leg to stand on
Held in high regard
Tranquil morals

Here we go with more minerals

What have I done to myself

Yes I understand its bad for my health

It's just that I am infatuated with the body's chemistry

My entire existence is just bonding

I feel like a walking science project erupting

When I can't sleep I drink a little diphenhydramine

I lost myself with no where to hide

My mind is everywhere its gone for a ride

Another unsolved mystery from the land of the free dream

Don't pay any attention to me

Just a lowlife in the depths of debt

I do not charge here just free exhibiting

Skipping through scenes for a sneak peek

To avoid nasal congestion I'll spray some oxymetazoline

Drinking distilled spirits that cause impair judging

I can see my heart beat through my stomach

To release endorphins I swallow a blue dolphin

Walking distance between realms when I poison my stomach with fungus

Do you hear that?

The loudest noise in the room

Close your eyes and sync with my scripture

These poetry particles are my brain acupuncture

Cloak yourself like that alien predator

Rest in a piece of earth Grandpa I'll speak to you on the Ouija board later

They told me death was only the beginning

That means the last stage of a human being is not an ending

Life is to live. die. and repeat

I know these poems don't make sense

Everyone can read

Everyone can write

I'm more into making my readers feel
the words just right

Summon a tingle at the tip of your spine

I can not draw you a pair of graphs of paragraphs

Maybe assist you with your own parallel habitat

Adrenaline rush when my deficit attention disorder attacks

I can't speak a spoke of words and I'm stuck

Cold sweat and I'm out in the sun

Take this serum to compress your depression

Don't forget your coupon for the governments vaccination

Frying pneumonia for tonights digestion

This isn't a rap

This isn't a flow

This is not even poetry I'm not Edgar Allan Poe

I'm just like you looking for acceptance in a world of neglection

You were slightly delusional from handfuls of sleeping pills with
high amounts of diphenhydramine which led to hallucinations.
I tried to reason with you but when you punched the wall,
I felt my entire body contract out of empathy and
my fight-or-flight kicked in and for once,
I chose flight.

Your phone number popped up on my screen,
I answered, ready to tell you that I’d never come back
to this complex to give you another chance,
and you threatened my worst fear.

I panicked at first, then matched your threat with my own,
but mine was calling first responders to take you themselves
so I forced you into my car and you screamed until the vocal folds
across your larynx couldn’t produce anymore curse words.

You stared at the bleached tiles and refused to talk to the nurse in triage;
I muttered key phrases to get you admitted
intermittently between sobs that caught the waiting room’s attention,
especially when I whispered “ex-girlfriend”.

Protocol called for an observation period and the sitter
in charge of watching you for the moment looked up
from her chart occasionally, slyly listening to you
harshly hissing that you didn’t want me there anymore.
I flinched towards the curtains and I slinked along the walls
until I was able to walk out the door and leave you behind.

When I talked to the nurse privately, he ensured you would be evaluated,
that I did the right thing by taking you in, that I might have saved your life.
He promised that we were both safe now.

Except, I am not safe.

It has been two weeks since I left through those sliding hospital doors.
I am terrified that every motorcycle I hear on the road
could be you tracking me down or I will see you every time
I walk out of the class on the same campus as yours or
that I will never be able to open up the walls you made me build
around my secrets that you used as ammunition against me
to validify your anger in arguments that you started.

I imagined a life for us so different from this and now,
I’m not even safe in my own thoughts because
they’ve already betrayed me so much.

I take 25mg of DPH to sleep. No effect.
I am feverish, restless.

In the morning I test positive.
I experience symptoms between a cold and flu.
Fatigue, headache, congestion, dry chesty cough,
Changes in taste, constriction of pupils, nerve pain
in the roots of my teeth, and cognitive fog. After three days I mend.
After ten days my isolation ends.

That soporific dose of diphenhydramine went unnoticed, blotted out
by the onset of coronavirus.

Carve my name in hieroglyphs
On these little oval bullets,
That I'll shoot inside my stomach
To dissolve the spider eggs;
Lain by my queen's sweet kiss.

I want to feel my toes float and twitch
As little legs crawl over the light switch,
Evading my hungry eyes
Starving for a sign-
A breath, a beat; I can't feel my heart when I'm in sticky pseudo-sleep.

Numbness crawls under my skin, with precision
To the places within that I like to keep hidden.
My bed, a coffin; these sheets, dirt.
My bones won't move, lodged deep in hurt

I take these to fall asleep, mentally
Let the screens my corneas scrape
Show and tell me a pretty story.
Where our hero is ****** by glory,
And a villain is birthed by his side;
Distressed damsels are out *******
Petrified bodies to purified minds.

Take me away diphenhydramine
Where my heart won't ache,
For the song the red light sirens sing.

Chemical escapes
Only escapes.
Mind space
Head space
Space out for a while, hours
Days.

There's something surreal about seeing the reflection of yourself snort *******.
I didn't like it.
I saw my eyes and I looked at myself.
Why are you doing this.
What lead you here.
Is this what you want?

****, I don't know what I want.
I want to be okay, whatever form that takes
*******, marijuana, 2C-B, diphenhydramine
It's all the same to me.

God, please God just fry my brain
Make catatonic this once glowing man
Take away my fire,
***** me.
Soil this once golden visage.

**** me inside so I don't **** the outside.
I pulled my rifle out today.
And admired it's absolute, cold, resolution.
A complexion of death engraved in it's blued steel.
A full metal jacket to wrap around my thoughts,
Keep me warm for the rest of my life.

I pulled this knife into my skin again
And watched drops of blood ooze from my shell.
My shell.
Shell.
Empty shell.

Sleep forever,
Shell or no shell,
I want to sleep until I'm better.
Or she is.

I feel guilt.
This isn't her responsibility,
This is mine.
She's dealing with her own ****
I have to deal with mine
But- GOD I think we can deal better
Together.

I'm sick of abusing drugs to escape
And I'm sick of sleeping
And I'm sick of hurting
And thinking of my death,
God, PRAYING for it while I sleep.

Get better Marshall.
Get well soon.
Just will yourself out.

Like I can do that.

It's chemical, these problems.
Some molecules in my brain fill some holes
And I feel better.
And I make better art and I smile and laugh.
God I want to smile and laugh.

I will Faust my soul away
If it brings more sunny days.
I will Faust my will away
If it makes you stay.

God, come back to me.

Your hair-tie on my dresser
A button from your jeans
The bracelet from your sister
Quite sinister
The Downward Spiral album from your car
An old tube of ChapStick
No need to nitpick
For I am no dim-wit
A few items every two weeks
While you sleep
And I  b r e a t h e

Where's your perfume?
I could've sworn it was right here
Darling, did you move it?
Silly little bird...
A red thread from your cardigan
Just like the one that binds me to you
Your knife, blunt from every emotional meltdown
Empty pill bottles lined up
Troubled history, hm?
Citalopram, Mirtazapine, Doxepin
Such a sad little bird

An empty can of Seagram's
A used bandage
And a take-out fortune
'An hour with friends is worth more than ten with strangers.'
My word, this is exactly how I feel
When I spend time with you...
Your Sleep-Aid sits on my nightstand
Just waiting for you to pick it up
Diphenhydramine- 50 mg. each
150 mg. every night for four years
The journal in my hands tells me so

A young man shivering in my attic
Force of habit
Like a rabbit, diving down
A bit worse for wear but still kicking
Your hand in mine as I console you
'Local man missing'; How could he be?
He's right here
I'll release him in a fortnight
After all, he didn't see me
A gift, from me to you
My morbid little night owl