Maybe it was something I did. Something I said. Something that could've been avoided, maybe not.
I could've waited, stalled a little longer, but I couldn't hold back the words that changed you.
They tried to tell me how crazy I was, chasing after a carnie. But I was stupid enough not to listen.
They tried to tell me that I was just gonna end up crying with a broken heart, and I was rebellious enough to ignore it.
So now you'll go on with your life, leaving me behind.
And I'll regret the words I spoke too soon for the rest of my life.
You'll continue to be the wonderful carnie you are.
And I'll keep being the reckless little girl who fell in love with a carnie and never looked back.
We'll part ways as strangers who were once lovers, and you'll reminisce on the times we spent together.
I'll go become a chef, or a waitress, and hope you'll come into my restaurant and sweep me off my feet, just like that summer of pure happiness and freedom.
Girls will crawl backwards to be with you, but you'll know in your heart that none of them will ever be me, and I'll be tripping myself up trying to get over you.
You'll meet celebrities and singers and all sorts of beautiful women.
I'll earn a big time gig with a chef from Miami, or some big city, and move away, forgetting about you.
And you'll realize that the girl you left crying in the dirt was the girl you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, and I'll look back at the pictures, remembering the carnie that I was stupid enough to fall for.
You'll come searching for me, while working your many carnivals, with your heart of steel on your sleeve.
We'll run into each other somewhere down the road, an awkward run-in, but an unforgettable one.
I'll remember how much I loved you and run right back into your arms, forgetting the life I had just built for myself.
But that is just a daydream of a helpless girl who just had her young fragile heart broken by the restless carnie who was bad enough to steal it from her.
And so for now, we forgive and forget, cherishing the summer of love, the summer of swiftness, and the summer of absolute certainty.

He sits on the carousel wheel,
her lover neglectful-
looks over the night as the neon illuminates the shiny people.
He sits on the carousel wheel
and loves to get stuck at the top
so he may contemplate jumping,
so to contemplate swinging with madness
from one
cart
to
another
and then
safely
to the
cart that
holds her. Hero, him.
He looks over the crowd as they swish around him-
sway around him
moving by him as if they were dancing to a song in his head
but he is not dancing.
He's looking for her.
He pops several balloons with a fiery dart
walks away from the girl with the silken stockings held to her
thigh by violet bow...a violent blow to his lustful ways, he looks firmly down
to the dirt on his boots, kicks rocks, kicks air.
Stops at the man who swallows fire from a stick,
"answer me, answer me"-
the man spits ember lies.
He's looking for her in each clown
pulling their make up down with his finger
and it looks like they're crying
so he can't really know
if it is her he has found?
Oh neglectful lover.
He busies himself by winning a prize
for his beloved, his lost
A prize- his reward for believing in true love.
He busies himself, knocks down milk bottles-
and punches the punching bags
insults the slow and disgusted carnie hags,
He moves from gate to gate
and it feels more like Hades
inside
where he's lost her
so he's been lost.
When he's lost her he's scared
that she will not feel, lost but found.
And he will not feel found-
but destroyed.
Teacups to twirl around
the dance he will swirl her around to
the day that he marries her,
if he can find her,
nay- when he can find her...
he'll put her in the teacup ride and
never let the spinning stop.
He'll fill her life with lights and sounds
and cotton candy
and he'll marry her he will
right on the tiptop
of the ferris wheel
where he sits looking round.

sahn 10/19/14

God runs a carnival
With a test of strength
Right by the gate
If you ring the bell,
You get a stuffed animal
And free admission.
Just past the ticket taker,
There on the left,
Is an old carousel
Painted ponies preening,
Careening the children astride
Mirrors by their heads
Flashing the crowd's smiles
As they glide
Forever and ever amen.
The ground is littered with ticket stubs
From a raffle they had earlier,
And despite the crying losers
And the broken boozers
I can't see the person who won.
Just billions of blue ripped ribbons
Carrying call numbers
For the lottery of a life time,
While the rest of us are left
To brave the creaking tilt-a-whirl
Assembled by two clowns out on bail
One roll of duct tape and a promise not to fail
This time.
As the fire eaters and game cheaters
Line the midway
Barking promises of heavenly repose
If only you can hit the elephant's nose
With a jet of water, streaming
Into its beaming mouth,
Grinning despite your loss
Try again, kid.
Better luck next time.
You'll wander into the hall of mirrors
To see your sins grow and bulge
Like the battle that rages
In the pages of your gold-leafed heart
Thin enough to tear
So take care to mend
Your broken ways
Or you'll find yourself
Climbing onto the Ferris wheel
To sit on high
And by God,
You can see your house from here
And down and around
And you're bound to lose your lunch
So you'll pay too much for a bunch of frozen
Fries and to your surprise
Sweet mercy, manna from heaven.
Even though you don't know what it is,
You gobble it up
Because you don't wanna go to hell,
But you have to get the hell away from that bell
Ringing and ringing over and over
Chiming in time to the line that winds
Out through the dark parking lot,
Every winner another sinner
Washed clean by the lamb
And *******
A petting zoo
Never felt so good.
If you ring that bell,
You won't go to hell,
But you won't go to heaven either.
Oh no.
You'll go to work
Tearing tickets 'til you're sick of it,
Bending mirrors in the fun house
To split and bounce
And reflect onto the patron
That part of your heart
Too broken to pump,
Running the tilt-a-whirl with a burly
Bouncer who got up early
To **** his wife
And this ain't a life sentence,
Baby, it's eternity.
I guess that's what you get
For trusting a ******' carnie.

Maybe. Maybe I said it. Maybe.
Maybe I said, “I love you.”
And maybe. Maybe. It was too soon.
And maybe you panicked or I panicked or we panicked.
And maybe we should have waited longer.
For a lunar eclipse to kiss and whisper it under.
Or at least at the top of a Ferris Wheel.
Even soft neon lights of a gas station before a road trip to say… Disneyland would do.
But maybe.
I didn’t wait. And I said it the first time it bubbled out of my chest like mercury and tried to force itself out of the corners of my eyes, shining like mirrors.
And  maybe we panicked.
And maybe you’ll decide to take some time.
And I’ll think it’s a good idea.
And you’ll get around to painting your bedroom walls blue.
And I’ll finally finish that replica of… Big Ben.. made from… toothpicks.. or some ****..
And you’ll get that job for that network.
And I’ll decide to be a carnie, because my feet have always felt so much better on the road.
And you’ll laugh.
Just maybe less…
Or not as hard..

And I’ll learn to roll cigarettes and run the Ferris wheel. And wind up with an eye patch from a freak dart accident in a pub in Scotland. And get sun leathered skin. And road earned muscles.

And I’ll master all the rigged midway games.

And you’ll have a better time in France than the last time and make it back to Greece to see the oracle. And learn to play the violin.

And I’ll develop a keen sense of when to pause the Ferris Wheel to leave the couple at the top just.. one.. moment.. longer..

Or at least secretly teach him how to throw the dime to win her the really big ******* Snoopy.

And I’ll wonder if you ever wake up and look for me.
And you’ll wake up sometimes and look for me.
And I for you.

And maybe I’ll get self absorbed and write the rest of this poem from my perspective.
But probably not.
And maybe one day I’ll go to the fortune teller to find out how you are. And where you are. And you won’t be far away. But I won’t want to intrude.

And then the fortune teller will tell me not to play the game where you knock the milk bottles over anymore because fortune tellers say weird **** like that sometimes..

And maybe I’ll listen..

And maybe I won’t.

Maybe one day, I’ll forget and teach the nerdy highschool kid how to beat the milk bottle game so he can get the frosted mirror with the cheesy rose and the word ‘LOVE’ in cursive for his girlfriend, because *******, sometimes you have to help the underdog  get the girl.

And maybe the gypsy will be right..

And those bottles.
At that moment.
Were some kind of cosmic key.

And as they topple over, all hell bust loose and pours violently out of the mouth of the bottles.

And demons flood into our world in waves.

(And if she kisses him at the top of the Ferris Wheel? Totally worth it.)

And in time, the world would have to notice.

What with the Leviathan coming out of the ocean and the dead rising from their graves and the four guys on horses and all the pesky locusts.

And did I mention the Zombies? And the vampires? And the Vampire Zombies?

And who would have thought that the adorable little fairies would be carnivorous and cannibals and just plain mean?

And maybe it would attract the attention of Aliens. And that U.F.O. you saw that one time in Texas. And maybe the U.F.O’s would attack and fight the Leviathan, which would be kind of bad ***.

And the zombies would fight the vampires and the vampires would fight the zombies and the Vampire Zombies would fight themselves and the Zombie Vampire survivors would find that they had a distinct taste for Soy.

And maybe us carnies would have enough experience with sledgehammers and haunted houses that we’d be rather good at fighting zombies. And I’d be particularly bad *** because of the eye patch and leathery skin and hand rolled cigarettes that I chew on more than smoke. And maybe I’d go lone wolf and ride a motorcycle. Which is also kind of bad *** and I’d do okay considering the apocalypse and all because honestly?

I’ve never been all that scared of ghosts and devils. And the UFOS are busy with the Leviathan and their really is only four of the horseman and we keep a professional distance just the same and the locusts and the fairies are at war, besides locusts don’t bother me, save for the noise.

And look..

I guess what I am really saying is this:

I think maybe I could survive.

And I think maybe I could rescue you.

And maybe we could fall in love.

The walls are vibrating
with sweat pouring
my artificial heartbeat
is the recorded sounds
of feet taking flight up sidewalk runways
pouring with sweat
heart exploding
and maybe if it does
I can get something on the page
for you magnificent sons of *******
but my appetite will be vanquished
in t-minus one hour
the extended release of last nights beer
and smoke permeating through skin
blow it in the air
to show the trip wires
my desk chair dusty and lifeless for too long
“how’s the writing going, Harry?”
about as well as when poets try to be real people -
so a lot of complaining and selfish procrastination -
but my crosshairs are all aligned
trigger finger itchy
the sarcastic, *****, dropout, “just rolled out of bed”
cynical wordsmith
with a chipper chip on my shoulder
and just like lays you can’t just have one
so I’m quick to 86 any competition
who are too quick to toe over my line
you don’t wake a hibernating bear
and you certainly don’t poke the starving wolf
when the grease from last night’s dinner
coats your skin like slime
my hands are shaking
and homework is due by the start of class yesterday
But I’ll be fine, Ma
I’ve got a mouth full of big talk
and eyes full of short sighted leaps of faith
my soul blows through alleys, avenues, and storm drains
and it tastes just like little kid medicine
something artificially sweet masking the bitterness
When I was a little **** -
making dens, kicking cans, and ringing doorbells -
they told me I could be anything
except tall enough to ride all the good roller coasters
so now, I’m a carnie in a booth
getting revenge on the world
by ignoring all the kids screaming
for me to stop the ride
I’m no artist
far cry from a poet
I’m a kid, too smart for his own good
too dumb to know better
to confused to guess at the ending
of this movie

She's crawling these days,
And it's a joyous throwback to
The wordless days, when the
Eye reflects sunshine instead of tonic
And there was someone,
Always someone                                                 up
To take over when it was too much.         up
                                                               up
She's crawling in her own spit-up
And learning how to drown.
There's a certain effortlessness
To a downward spiral
And she's mastered it with the
Dedication of a carnie's mid-night
Reflections in a backdrop
Of cotton-candy and ****** expulsion.

The world has painted itself white
And she's the little blemish
Of hangnails and spilled cognac
When Atlas would rather decorate
With her broken winter smile;
Teeth to match the whites of his eye
And shattered eggshell.

She's crawling these days, amidst
Broken bottles that reflect such starry eyes
The way puddles muddy the sky
And house the most optimistic birds,
Unheeding the poolside signs saying
Shallow end.
The water is dedicated to darkness
And she's dedicated to falling.

Oh, it is awfully high from up here –
a power surge, the slit of my skirt intentionally ripped
and yet no one wants the slightest peek.

The man I love must be entwined in the pleats
or is watching the carnival children with more interest
than he has in creating normal infants with me.

Am I not a woman, not fertile?
But my concern is for a bloodied male –
intestines escaping from an abdomen like his coins.

He has been robbed as I have, an empty wallet
while I have an uninhibited ****.
We whirl alone on the ferris wheel and want to get ill.

For when the ride halts, I could climb the
parachute and die with that defeated man on the side –
just not quick enough to be wanted like a carnie.

Becoming an atypical sort of sideshow,
write wishes with a ride’s ***** on my arm, a lovenote
leave with someone whose faith in which I restore.

Sorry I'm such
a bitter *******,
deflated and broken
down like the last ******
bounce castle
in a carnie circus.

I lost my hope somewhere
on the far side of this place,
I haven't seen it in a moment
perhaps since I've seen Pandora's face,

all the ******* has piled up
and is weighing me down
like the cumulative effect of poppies
over my entire lifespan

done and not done,
chosen but not accepted
as the norm of my
society, as the bane
of my reality.

give me another shot,
he says.
give me another hit.
just one more to soothe the pain
this awful dreary day,
when the sun shines
but it doesn't light your way,
and you'd rather lay
in bed and appeal
to the idea of a present
worth living for somewhere,
off,
in the not-too-distant future.

Savoring the cotton candy, my heart leaps at the thought of a ride on the Ferris wheel.
But I want to feel free.
It's good, the thrill
even if I have gotten suicidal sometimes, I don't feel like leaping from it now
and I feel secure sitting there
with a pair.
The roller coaster
jolts me into an
euphoric sense of oblivion
where my mind
flashes back and forth
to the grains of sand
that I think we are
and how it looks
like we're little people as we ride.
Yeah a carnie
and all that goes with it though
like the other rides, for
example.