Have you ever tried to flex your heart to make sure it was still in your chest?

Everytime you tried to choke down what was hurting you, you realized it didn't matter anymore.

Lately, I've been doing okay. Except when the night starts telling secrets to the dawn so I have to make sure they don't whisper your name.

Please, don't worry about me though. Just focus on being happy.



Maybe one day, things will be in a place where you can see a shadow and smile without swallowing shards of glass.

E**ven though I promised to always be here, it will **** is both if I stay. I'm so sorry.

Lately
I **Long
for the Love
that I once Left
when I chose the Lonely
path of discovery and difficult Learning.

My
steps Melt
into the Miles
I tread when Meandering
round town each cloudy Morning
'til each crisp and tender Midnight

Softly
I Sing
the tender Songs
not meant for Solitude
and gently drop a Sigh
waiting patiently for another ripe Summer

Right now
sitting in a Library
and a phone was ringing about 5 minutes ago

no wait,

Right now
i can hear me typing

while I type

I am not going back and editing the words I write
so no repeating
thud thud thud
of the delete button.

I said the phone rang before
for it was its almost comical or theatrical
but let me distinguish, NOT its dramatic effect
in which
I placed the carelessness of a vague email I had just received.

Let me correct, Facebook message
that I received.

A friend, who I had fallen out with
suggesting we reconnect as holding a grudge was

-and again that same ring - this time from the help desk in front of me
rather than the security desk behind me rang.-

was unnecessary.

With all the ringing phones- timid conversation- and typing- with my academic books right next to me- among going through emails- with plans to go home later tonight and make dinner- feeling like everything is flowing so calmly in this library- I would not need to take him up on his offer.

And this seemed to make sense
whether it made me a *******
and my lingering desire to stay
lonely makes more sense to me
than trying to keep really unfrie-
ndly 'friends' around- or desper-
ately trying to cling to whatever
friends I can.

Perhaps I am ******* either
way, depending on how you look
at it.
But right now I not feeling any more pain
than in my left index finger nail
where I have cut it too short.

I'm a sadist, guilt and remorse evadist
put my dark twist, on the folk
down in their gravies
resurrect em, clambering
shackled remains,
liberate thee,
run free in my domain.
De lib er ately
gliding, I'm death's author
and the last note
in the cacophony slaughter.
I'm the angel of death
and as you draw your last breath
know that I'm trying my best
to compensate for this theft
with more thieving, your grieving's
making my eyes sting
no reprieve in
believing, I'm only deceiving
in the heart of your very own body and mind
an inner evil, its seething
you know you can't hide
so break down and surrender
call on your defenders
and when the heavens aren't parted
the party gets started
there's no angel, descending
smiting at will
just my corpses, feasting
I'll send you the bill.

ately I’ve been feeling so weary
All up in my feelings
Just thinking about my dreams, you feel me

I’ve been struggling with self doubt
Prayin to Jesus to the demons out
Forever stepping for his glory
This life is never boring
They look,they see, I’m soaring
Lately I’ve been hurtin
For something that seems so far away

Every time I get up, I fall back into the abyss
Is love really worth it, do I deserve a kiss
Loyalty over  money,
Ill shout that till the day I die
I know will all have to go, too bad I can’t pick a time