Her smile sits
on the curb of a road
between Summer
and Fall.

I had been treading water
just fine
the way I usually do--
kick out, then bend
keeping a steady rhythm and pace--
then all of a sudden,
I am once again overwhelmed
by waves of anxiety
and anger,
a current of isolation
so strong
it knocks my head underwater,
a tide of insecurity
floods itself in my lungs,
and an ocean of being left behind
beckons for me to come down;
to sink to the bottom,
as a side effect of being conditioned
for so many years,
that I am a person
who can't swim properly
to even save a life
despite all these years growing up
treading water.

my heart aches.
i wish i could be happy and beautiful, too.

and if you are to love,
love as the moon loves;
it does not seal the night-
it only unveils the beauty
of the dark.

You're not lost, just because you didn't comb today
I see you here, yet your thoughts are drifting away ...
You rake the leaves, with your bare hands,
You try to see, where your future stands.

You're not lost,  just because you need a break,
I see you smile, while trying to hide your heartache
You collect the dirt, under your fingernails,
As you walk barefoot and cover your trails.

I still see you, underneath the falling leaves,
I hear your voice say "thank you"  and "please"
I see your true smile, glowing in your eyes,
You're the only reason, my soul survives.

From this moment,
I begin to hope things will change for the better.
That, perhaps, I will make it through this week
without wishing for each day to end as quickly as possible,
without feeling as my life is on repeat
and I am stuck living in the motions,
while valuable moments full of potential and people
being guided by a different life,
slip on by far from my grasp.
Maybe I will actually complete every piece of work
in a timely manner, and prepare well for what the future holds,
instead of dwelling in wasted times of the past
and the sorrow of the present.
I will intensely stare at these words on pages
until my eyes bleed out of my sockets
from burning holes in the paper,
and my brain begins to unravel.
I will concentrate so hard, that even the air around me
will pulse with determination.
I will flow efficiently from one place to the next,
without observing other people and re-enforcing
the sensations of insecurity and self conscious as I do each day.
I will not scorn others for what they have, nor envy them,
but I will be grateful for each moment I live,
the words I exchange between the people I care about,
and the hidden beauty of everything that is in store for my future.