You used to take me shopping
You let me get new things

You thought it might help me forget
The hurtful words you liked to scream

But I never wanted your baggage
You disguised as your love

I just wanted a dad

I wanted genuine love, the kind that doesn’t have a price
But you don’t  even know what love is

I’m sorry your dad hurt you
I’m sorry your brother was mean

But I wish you would’ve healed
Instead of taking it out on me.

I’m learning to love the parts of myself I used to hate.
I force myself to relive my regrets, to relive my pain.
I see each memory with fresh eyes, softening my gaze so I can not judge.

It still hurts to see what I wish I could reverse
When I couldn’t see past my delusions
I hurt so many people that I loved

I can not undo what had to be done
Fate wanted my heart to go on a journey.

I am thankful for the heartache, the loss
it taught me to accept my whole self

I had to first become who I am not
To find who I am.

I am so in love with you
that I am afraid to lose you.
My heart races each time I think of what might happen.

A car crash? A fire? A police officer holding too much power?
How can I let you out of my sight when so many things threaten our happiness.

I am so afraid of loosing you
I think because I've lost so many.
Not through death, but through neglect, through years waiting to feel the love I thought they would give.

I am so afraid of loosing you because for the first time something is mine. Something that is so perfect and warm. Something I thought I might never find.

I am so afraid of loosing you.

Please don't leave me.

I used to wish to stop the world with one look,
to make my mark.

Now I just want to curl up with a good book.

When you feel far away
I muster up a memory from long ago

The last time I held you or felt your touch
The last time I slept by your side
When you told me “i love you so much”

When I can’t feel you I hold on to what you left
A too big sweatshirt that still smells like you
Is my only comfort

I can’t quite describe the smell
A mix of smoke and fresh laundry transport my mind to images of you
Your smile so big, your eyes sparkling

Your beautiful brown eyes full of sorrow
it feels wrong to see them so sad.
Your head is cloudy full of familiar thoughts
judging each misstep.
You see yourself as a failure
A boy who couldn’t measure up.
You tell me how you hate yourself
how you wish you didn’t exist.
Your critical mind may only see your failures
But I try and remind you of your success’
I see you for who you are
Full of love and laughter
All you want is to make the world smile
I just wish it would smile back
You care so much for everyone else
That you forget yourself
Perhaps that’s why you find it hard to love
When you look into the mirror?
You’ve come so far and worked so hard
So why do you let yourself think all these negative things?
To me, you are kind, thoughtful, caring, smart, hardworking, loving, handsome, and my favorite person. I hope one day you can see me as I see you. You are so perfect to me.

A naive little girl
believed someone would come to save her

Late nights hiding away in her bedroom
she dreamed of a life far away from here

The movies she watched always had a hero
So where was hers?