if you're not a survivor of suicide loss
you will never have to experience that kind of heartbreak
you will never have the guilt
about what you could've done to prevent it
you will never have to ask yourself
questions that you will NEVER get an answer to
you will never understand the importance
of suicide prevention groups
you will never ask yourself if
you were not good enough for them to stay
you will never have to look back at pictures
and ask yourself "was that smile real?"
you will never have to hear that
someone you love is "going to hell" because
they ended their life
death is always hard
but suicide is like no other
and you will never understand

forever will
never be
long enough

i find myself staring again
this time though
i'm trying to pick something
i don't like about you
your hair?
how i used to run
my fingers through it
while you looked up at me
with happiness in your eyes?
no.
your smile?
the one that makes
my whole heart light up?
no.
your hands?
the ones i used to hold
so tightly, like i'd never let go?
no.
i find myself loving you more
though i thought it was impossible
my heart breaks
and i come back to reality
i am not yours anymore

I walk on eggshells to not upset you,
but it's hard to tell if it is working,
because my feet have gone numb.
You terrify me to my very core.

I never know if today will be a day that you love me
or love me not.
I'm like a daisy and you pick my petals whenever you want to,
but those days that you don't,
I miss your hands on me.
Because it lets me know you still want me.

People say you're abusing my mind,
but I can't tell what is real and what is not anymore..
I don't know if I want to tell.
What if everything becomes clear
and I lose you.
What if everything becomes clear
and you don't think I'm worth it.
What if everything becomes clear
and I'm
all
alone.

My friends say I'll never be alone because I have them.
But will they kiss my nose when I'm being stubborn?
Will they put my on their shoulders and parade me around their house?
Will they kiss me softly when I just want to be close?
No.
Because they can't.

He's my lightswitch.
He brings my life light and joy,
but he controls when the darkness rains.

It terrifies me how in love I am with you.
It terrifies me how you could not love me at anytime.
It terrifies me how this could all be over tomorrow morning.
You terrify me.
But I let you, because you're my favorite nightmare.

I don't know what to do to make you miss me.
I look for you everywhere,
in dating apps, the grocery store, my heart.
You were easy to be with,
right as rain on a good day, glacier-like on the bad.
I didn't know what to do when you closed off from me,
but I knew not even the jaws of life could pry your vault open.
I got no where,
like I was trying to saw out the version of you I needed with a nail file.
Now you're gone, I'm here,
and you still don't miss me.