It's been months since I've seen that beautiful smile, makes me gasp, reminiscing about your hugging and teasing
loving and squeezing.
Searching for the one that you loved.
But now all that I am is shoved to the back of your head.
Now, hatred,disgust and that feeling of loss of trust.
I am waiting for that day until you realize
yesterday is dead;
I shed a tear
but eventually you will remember that that California bed that we once lied in will come back.

But not after that lying, mistrust and lost of integrity that I regretfully placed upon thee
I was the puff to your high, the Cheech to my Chong.
The lazy days the way you looked at me,
tears running down my face simultaneously.
The touch is gone, the feelings moved on.
I've made mistakes in the past
I want to believe I still got a reason.
All I want to do it make it last,
but so long
it's all in the past.

After feeling like this, to my lowest low and my highest high
You made me realize what it’s like to die, not emotionally but physically
A new thought I never had in my head,
To have my breath shortened, just because I let you into my bed.
This is a new extreme for me, which is hard to beat.
For you filled my life with guilt, shame and deceit.
You pushed me to the ground, deteriorating every little ounce of me
Testing me with trivial questions. I should have recognized the warning sign, bright yellow and shiny black titled “hazard”. Like the reflection of a roadwork sign, saying slow down, danger, caution, this is the borderline.
My instinct was right, No honour go back I said.
You had something over me, like a beautiful grey moth entranced to the light, but deep down inside I knew your world burned too bright. Your personality just stuck to me,as if I was ants attracted to the sweet honey that dripped off the honey comb.
Inside, I knew I should go home.
Words fly, tensions get high.
Why did I not go back to Vendome?
His hands strong hands wrapped round my soft neck, pushing me into the bed, I felt my heart pulsating.
I closed my eyes wishing that he would push harder and longer, to actually feel something other than this pain and misery that he placed upon me.
He looked at me in gratification, that smirk said it all, as he accomplished sometime great like an encore at curtain call.
A look of a great man, big and powerful now its time to take a shower, as what he did was nothing the matter.
My state in shock. What has happened? Is this really unmasking his disguise?
For the mask he wore was unforeseen, like a child at halloween.
The tears in my eyes was not avid, until he clenched his hand to play rock paper scissors,
but little did I know that his rock would cut through my paper.
leaving me with bruises and now a traitor.

Huggy bear,
Snuggy bear,
I want you
I cannot bear
This situation-ship,
Neither of us can agree on
One things certain
It won't be long before I'm goneI

nothing to feel except anger and resentment
putting the cards on the tabl is me, my soul, my will.
There you were so perfect by definition, i thought I was your only one on the horizon
after discussing my  wants and needs
you said no problem
even without a plea.
My fear did not go away though, only increased with time.
Building,into pressure, my anxiety
to be only confirmed after investigation.
Just be honest is all that I said
Justbe_honest is that I read.
Anger and frustration filled my soul to the brim.
Bright Crimson was splatted on my face, nothing to show but my raw emotions
For that realization that I was captured in the web of lies you weaved.
6 hours,
6 ******* hours it took for you to check in,
Just to be on the safe side.
Feeding me more lies
Wanting me to continue to relinquish my power
My will.
To take pity on you ?
Ha maybe in another place and time but not now.
You know what you did for you to be alone at the end.
Now I start calling the shots to make myself happ

My beating heart has been ripped out my pulsating blood flow.
Those jagged claws dissects through my chest, one sharp finger at a time
I can smell the rust from my open wound traveling through the air. I glance at your left hand and saw the blood gushing from the artery.
My heart may not work but my mind will.
I wonder, do you feel remorse because I don’t, nothing but numb.
Yet you stand there too,
nothing but silence and your words lipping
“i love you”.
yet you bruised my black and blue soul, that was once gold.
Makes me think that is another fib that you tell, just because you might as well.

You try to bandage it up by shoving it back into my punctured chest.
but at this point I’ve become restless.
I fall into the ground wishing you’d save me,
instead following me to the ground but kneeling above me,
sewing my hole shut by gouging the tiny needle one thread at a time.
I am mangled.
Your thumb and forefinger held my wrist and led for a kiss
until you felt my pulse stop.
I’m sorry, this is all my fault.

why did i do this?
all the progress now dismissed,
i miss you, i love you, i can’t live without you.
i knew this was too true.
the wanting the yearning the ever blurring,
lines between us, perhaps even the falling is blessed.
I was your sweet succulent honey that you can’t get enough of. Good for you, good for your soul, the taste capitulates the lips around, glueing them shut so you can’t make a sound.
It’s all you needed, that little sweetness,
but honey is oh so bad for the bittersweetness.
for I am your queen, you’re life revolves around me to get one last taste of that golden empress.
You’ll do anything for that dopamine.
When you’re on that high, nothing seems to matter,
but why?
Can’t you see that intensity made you something, you’re not meant to be.
you’ve pushed your luck.
That honey bee just isn’t coming back. She’s stung you. Bled you, and now deserted you.
Wounded your soul, but little did you know, she’ll die too.
Her stinger forever in you, while you can go on,
a part of her will slowly die
in your bloodflow.

I was reaching, reaching for something that wasn't there.That sense of security with your arms wrapped around me, now but they were idle by your side.
There is no way to confront the reality in front of me.
Your face that once had a grimacing half smirk now turned to a frown of despair.
It is almost as if you vanished into thin air.
Somedays I’m strong.
Somedays I’m weak
and on those vulnerable days I just want to tell you all about it, but how that would be irony.
You’re the reason of all my pain,
so why do I want to chase that?
Why do I think I need that?
I look outside the window pane, just like the the movements of the bus’ wheels turn round and round, so does my thoughts consume my mind, reliving every moment in agony,
WHY did I do that?
Why?

Because I’m better off this way.
I’m better off living without him,
I’m better off not intermixing my emotions and complexity of the situation especially since he's not ready for.
So why waste my time,
if money is no object than why did he flee?
Off in the distance without a t

race.
ethnicity.
We simply were not meant to be.

I hate  you
I love you
Maybe it’s not good enough to be true.
I know enough
With the waters this rough.
I’m just not happy like I used to
Mad and angry resentful and sappy.
I’m tired of caring, pouring my heart,
It’s bleeding.
The ****** of blood from my wrists
Drip down my arm
And kids ?
The moral of the story is not to be told
But experienced and forever alone.

The taste of your mouth.
The bittersweetness hurts me
To the point of agony.

Prospects in life seem dim and grim
I wish I could feel a way that I haven't for so long
Without care or worry in a world
But life
Crashes down on me, like the tide hitting the shore, one wave at at a time,
Like the abyss,mysterious and treacherous
Nothing but darkness,
If I made it that far, perhaps my emptinesld not shear me to the bone. I have found one true thing that can be with me
Together forever.
Vast in sea, I gaze into my reflection,but nothing to feel except true hatred and disgust.
To think to be alone would be so alleviating but in reality degrading.

The birds chanting to wish me good morning,
Sitting on the back porch,
With the flowers adorning
the suns presence.

Taking this moment to appreciate
Life and all it gives,
Too often we take advantage of how we live.

It's hard to get out of bed at the break of dawn
To remember how the birds sing their songs.

We must silence our ego
In order to let go
Of the pain that create this sorrow, Maybe not today but tomorrow.

To have the Strength to let the dusk leave us behind.
The sun eclipses
As we sip this fine wine from our lips.

To cradle us to sleep
Until the morning glory wakes us
From this deep entrance .
Prepared for the day for our soul
To dance.

Have you looked at it this way that challenged you more than one?
Happiness comes not often but in many forms.
My thoughts consume my mind of distraction and misinformation
Why am I chasing this like a shadow at dusk running quicker and quicker until the sun sets leaving me blind nothing to trust but instinct.
Feeling my heavy breaths I feel frightened , yet relief?
Nothing but this image and perhaps a spec of light.
Why am I reluctant, shouldn't I succumb to that one last chance to salvage myself from the unknown ?
That light is safe, as I walk my heart does not skip a beat because I know what's to come
But if I face the other direction my heart tremors with excitement for the unknown.
It yearns for it
It needs it.
For if not this will be my only chance to get over that fear
I pace the other way
Nothing to see except the bleakness of the night.

When the cool crisp rush of air hits your warm face, through your nostrils
That's the sensation
For a quick sensation
Is it worth it to get frost bite?
To have your heart turned black ?
What must you do to make it turn gold
Like the beautiful foliage of rust yellow leaves
Placed beneath your feet.
You know all of this will disappear when the heavens will cry and winter will come.
The white sprinkle of innocence will cover the ground
Leaving you will a clear state of mind
But these colours confuse you,
When the cool crisp rush of air hits your warm face.

When I think one way
the outcomes are all but the same.
Living with the repetition that resides in my head.

Disappointment
Resentment
Guilt
Shame

Makes me think that they're all right
and imperfectly the same.

Perhaps I am ill
for if I come to terms
what will be of me?

Could I live the my life
suffering alone?
I’d rather live alone
than voice my openness
about my

broken/ness.