The best of her were merely
admiration
Her worst was the very thing
It fell for.
She paints with her heart,
While It writes from its mind.
It loves with its heart,
Yet she loves with her mind.
This girl who took a chance,
The soft touch
Which melt the beast away;
Wondering if this is real.
Wondering if she should stay.
Whether or not to stay away.
From the beast that had swayed
To her side.
For the beast had been tamed.
For the beast had fallen.

I can't make brushes
dance all flamenco—
red, blue, purples
on a peacock's feathery
canvas

Nor can I raise
unborn symphonies
from a string's womb

Instead, I piece
words caught
like fireflies
in the air
stir their light
through and through
in cosmic metaphors
in sea allegories
in flights of soliloquies
in lovelorn colloquies

Really,
I can't dazzle eyes
nor fuddle ears
but I behold
the days to come
with tongues from
yesteryears

I realized I got disillusioned because I found out that the world would like to keep me in a certain way. Only some will care about what I dream, what I have to say or do. The rest will keep me in bounds because they  are afraid I'll break out the order of how things work out, how it always runs. I am just tired of trying to fit in when the world is definitely not in my league.

I am coming back to myself. My depression is starting to lift itself off. I told myself weeks ago to turn all the sadness and meaninglessness around. Easier said than done. But after having a serious talk with my mother and a friend who is suffering , I realized once again that pain is telling me to help others carry their burden. I was needed. And this is not to fill a desperate want to have someone depend on me but to acknowledge that through my condition I could understand those who are losing hope/grip in life. I learned some pretty dark things and I was afraid I could once again slip into despair but so far I didn't. Repeating to myself every day that there was something to look forward to helped in many ways. I couldn't write for the past few days but I was happy I had that going on. I mean, the world could **** me up so bad and maybe when I wake up tomorrow I would  be depressed, but writing is something no one can take away from me. Words have become my greatest comfort. Just reading some of my older, crappier works cheers me up a bit. There might be some break downs in the future but after close to five  months of experiencing this, I can get the hang of depression like it's an old friend. It's far too early though to call me normal because my mood swings are ambiguous as hell. But I am beginning to entertain hope and push away the negativity as much as I can. Small steps, small steps

To this old, defeated apple
Skin blazoned in rosy tunic
Slippery as fate discarded, fate in a bubble
How you've crossed my sight like a cynic

You rest cold and unamused
In my warm, subversive hands
It's as if your insides have set themselves loose
Unarmed in their pure dwindling strands

Fat worms whiffed spotless fields of honey-gold
Floundering shallow water fishes in unconscious fathoms
Seared the sweet flesh with spawns in manifold
You stand still in spite of downtrodden autumns

I took you in my mouth, your rot conspicuous
As if you whimper upon my numb tongue
That you won't last an age longer in this limping malice
Where your seed grows only to get wrung

I am wine in a jack-in-a-box cellar
Wonderlands, neverlands propelling in a boomerang war
Exalting stubborn as weeds in the gardens of well-tended graves
As far off as the most withered waves

I'll drop my roses of singularity
And let the world leap topsy turvy

Eyes turned upside down like folded floral peels before a fallen angel
Rubbing errant pointed brushes against an airy easel
The teapots are now dancing round rainbow tornadoes
Clocks reverse themselves in a scourge of a prose

I'll drop my roses of singularity
And let the world leap topsy turvy

Singing horses dallying kings and queens with whips of cod
Skinny, scorned nutcrackers lolly gagging for a later maraud
Spoons racing Jack and Jill down a spiny valley of prats
I'd shut them off, they come alive with vicious spats

I'll drop my roses of singularity
And let the world leap topsy turvy

My trappings with all things mad
Wafted me ajar a silvery smoke of sad
I breathe the clouds of my helter skelter
As if in every catatonic whir it flutters rises an answer

*I'll drop my roses of singularity
And let the world leap topsy turvy