Music from another time
Begins to fill my ears,
And my mind gets flooded
With memories of then.

Memories of happiness,
Warm like a sunny day in April;
Memories of love,
Ever-consuming and euphoric;
Memories of agony,
Hollow lies and hollow heart;
Memories of confusion,
Fog flooding my mind at all times.

But there is one memory that stands out more than the others:
The memory of my death.
How I slowly lost my spark,
And was too aware of the cold.
How I slowly lost all meaning,
And just wished for an end that felt real.
How I slowly lost myself,
And I wasn’t sure if I was worth knowing anymore.
How I slowly died,
And I didn't even realize until I built myself up again.

I didn't die with a last breath.
I could feel my lungs inhale and exhale the air.
I didn't die knowing I was dying.
I thought I was getting better.
I didn't die, in my head —
I kept moving, too fast to notice.
But I died in my memories.
And realized only now.

But I was born again.
I'm not writing from my grave,
I'm writing from my pedestal.
Like a statue rising from cold stone,
I carved myself into someone new.
Painful, like sculpting pieces of myself out
From the block of marble I'm working on.
Slow, because I only have my own hands
And no other tools to work.
Strong, like the quartz
I chose to use and cherish.
Elegant, like the lines and curves
That I'm chiselling.

I died.
And when I tried living again,
I got killed.
But I already died twice.
This time, I'll grow wings
And be the strong phoenix,
Returning from the ashes.

I realized I was turning into a boy,
When my sadness turned into anger —
The sight of my own bleeding knuckles
And marks on the wall scaring me.

I realized my soul had gotten louder,
When my sorrow turned into rage —
The thought of becoming the version she would've feared, once again terrifying me,
Knowing she's too vulnerable for this imagery.

I realized I was changing into myself,
When I remembered my fury was once called depression —
Becoming the wound
And not the wounded became my worst nightmare.

Intertwining my fingers with yours
A familiar, intimate touch —
But this one feels different.

I reach out for you,
Placing my ear over your chest
And listen to the soul's instrument:
Your heart, drumming against my lobe.
The rhythm gets fainter and fainter,
But I will accompany you always,
Even where our hearts no longer beat.

I interlock my fingers with yours again,
But this time,
It's not your hand I'm holding.

A warmth I've never felt before,
Yet feels like I’ve known it forever,
Fills my spirit.
Your soul,
My soul,
Finally free from this mortal flesh.

I see you,
The most vulnerable and naked part of you.
It's hauntingly beautiful,
And I don't think I could be capable of imagining
Something as ethereal and raw as you.

I embrace you,
Becoming one entity of grief and love.
We're not two bags of flesh anymore,
We are our darkest desires and fears.

I try to hold your hand again,
But it's gone —
Dissolved into warmth,
Into light,
Into everything I didn’t know I could love this deeply.

I've accompanied you in this new realm
As the new spirit that we've become,
But part of me wishes,
We could still be two different souls --
So I could embrace your warm hand again.

Admire them from afar,
Like the beautiful constellation they are.
You want to feel them close,
But is it worth it?

Your eyes will melt,
And your skin will burn.
You will turn into dust,
While they keep on shining and sinning
With their mere existence.

Is the cost of turning into ashes worth it,
Just to feel them close for a brief moment?
Where their brightness makes your irises explode,
And the heat makes your soul melt?

Is it all worth it,
Knowing it will end you and erase your timeline,
While this is just another fleeting moment
In the endless light of their life?

Dear past self,
We didn't die.
We didn't give up.
We didn't see our last day yet.
We didn't **** our optimism.
And that's good news.

But we are immensely different.
You changed, and so did i.
You liked the sun, i like the stars.
You yearned for someone, i found that person in me.
You had a name, i named myself.

You will build yourself,
From scraps of fear and uncertainty,
To be the person you didn't know you could be.
You will build yourself,
Because your old mold didn't fit you anymore,
And you needed space to grow.
You will build yourself,
To grow wings and live again
Like you wished for last night.
You will build yourself,
Give yourself a different name,
And travel the world stronger than ever.

Dear past self,
I'm probably a stranger to you.
So many things happened.
So many things changed.
I can't say for sure we're still the same person.

You are a girl, and i am a boy.
You are Emilie, and i am Athos.
You are insecure, and i am confident.
You are hopeless, and i finally feel alive.

Life will **** you,
And you'll resurrect from the ashes
Like a strong phoenix.
Life will **** you,
And you'll put your shattered pieces back together
Like a gorgeous mosaic.
Life will **** you,
And you'll build yourself up
Like a Greek statue.
Life will **** you,
So you can be born again
And have a second chance at life.

Your spark will come back.
No one stole it.
Your wings will grow.
They always meant to.
Your time for change will come.
And it's going to be the best and worst thing that has ever happened to you.

Birthdays are sweet.

Sweet like the birthday cake;
Sweet like the excitement for the upcoming event;
Sweet like the wishes for a fantasy world;
Sweet like the new opportunities you open;
Sweet like the sight of seeing pictures of your old self and being proud of your growth.

Birthdays are bitter.

Bitter like the slightly hardened, days old cake;
Bitter like the lost of the childhood wonder;
Bitter like the feeling of never seeing your wishes come true;
Bitter like the loss of orientation in your goals;
Bitter like the sight of seeing pictures of your old self and wishing it was like then.

Birthdays are bittersweet.

You eat the cake, even if it's slightly hardened;
You aren't as excited, but your inner child is still celebrating;
You still make wishes, because there's still a part of you that believes in them;
You feel like everything is possible, and that overwhelms you with hope and terror;
You take a selfie of you smiling, knowing you'll feel like you both failed and succeeded when you look back at it.

The sun is shining,
It's a warm day,
The air is filled with emotion:
It's the last day of school.

The air smells like broken pencils and cleaning spray,
Yet this one feels different.
The classroom bell is punctual like always,
Yet today it feels strangely far and nostalgic already.
The sun is warm as you get out of the building,
Yet it seems to evaporate the tears that threaten to fall on your cheeks.

Some are wishing goodbye,
Some are on their way home already;
Some are crying and hugging their favorite people,
Some are happy about not seeing those familiar faces again;
Some are taking pictures and selfies,
Some are content enough with their memories.

It's an unreal experience:
This day that felt so far away,
Is suddenly here;
This day I was so desperately longing for,
Is suddenly here;
This day that felt so big yet so insignificant,
Is suddenly here;
This day that felt like an empty promise,
Is suddenly here.

Do I like it?
The suddenness of this day,
The way we get thrown in the unknown,
The dreamlike haze of it all,
The way we feel so old and weary,
The loss of what we knew,
The way we feel like we are so new to this world,
I ask myself, do I like it?

A part of me is celebrating,
Because it's a happy day:
No more stress and nerves;
No more despised people nor situations;
More time to ourselves and our loved ones;
Our minds drift to summer skies.

But a part of me is melancholic already,
Because it's a sad day:
Will I get to see my classmates again?
Will I see my friends as much as I did at school?
Will I be remembered by my favorite teachers?
Will someone feel my absence?

A part of me wishes I could go back:
To live the memories again,
To cherish some people more,
To do better,
To fix the mistakes,
To be the perfect memory in everyone's mind.

But a part of me wants to move on,
And make new memories,
And cherish who actually matters,
And grow from where I am now,
And learn from the mistakes,
And be who this life and year made me today.

Everything comes to an end,
Even if it feels so far and impossible.
Everything comes to an end,
Even when we promise it won't.
Everything comes to an end,
Even if you don't like it.
Everything comes to an end,
And I think I've learned the lesson now.

I've lived so much,
And yet my life is only just beginning.