I find some calm
and take a step;
then - wobble a little
and look back.
With another breath
and another day
I step again
into the fray.
This feels like a very big world,
and in it - me, just a girl.
It’s changed so much
since I was last through
It’s spun by so fast
now all is new.
May the steps that I take
lead the right way;
these tentative steps
lead to bright new days.

You throw blame
casually, consistently,
targeting me.
Small bullets
constantly peppering
under a guise of civility.

Pressure builds
small barbs hit flesh
am I blameworthy?
But wait—let me stop and see
your narcissism truthfully.

Stand on your feet,
find inner peace,
not blaming and self-pity.
Recognise my battle lost;
take your responsibility.

Find your equanimity  —
and
liberate me.
.

If I am sand by the sea,
my emotions are the water
rising up underneath,
ready to spill above the surface
at high tide.

Open doors
Silver linings
Genuine snatches of
interactions.

I have trouble expressing
why I needed to leave him -
reasons never seem enough.
He’s not evil,
my words seem so inadequate.
But my whole soul cringes at the thought
of going back.
I can’t really say that out loud, can I?

He lost capacity for emotion
For year upon year
Except for anger, withdrawal, resentment.
And yet, he did his job, his duty.
Lifelessly.

A friend said, watching me try hold it all together
was like watching me try to stop sand from
slipping through my fingers.
I tried and tried but it kept slipping away.
broken promises, broken lives.

Maybe if I did things differently
Maybe if I was better
Religious morals ring loud
for good, for bad
My vows felt like a trap
He counted on them, relaxed after that.

I didn’t count on the feelings
The abandonment
The bone sorrow
Creeping upon me.

I cannot express how
they accumulated until
I saw a ray, a tiny crack of love and
Knowing that existed showed me
I could never stay.
My marriage was illuminated as
bereft.

I held a memory of that ray
and needed to leave -
both for survival
and
to give him back responsibility for
his life.
That was too much for me.

But I look at my girls and I wish we were whole.
No reason seems good enough.

My friend has breast cancer
I look at her
and admire her bravery
her heart, her strength.
Her ability to look at her challenge
right in the eye with courage
and a smile.
She looks at me and says -
she feels the same about me.

Something beautiful
about being thrown,
at sea
in a whole new world -
is really seeing people.
Really talking
and connecting,
because I’m more open
and before I had
closed walls.