I hold back and I hide.
I don’t share with the world what I am feeling inside.
I let myself think it,
I let myself believe it.
But if it never leaves my head,
Will it ever be real?
Why am I so afraid?
Speaking my truth is all that will give me peace.
I shrink back from it,
I’m curled up in a ball in the corner of my mind.
Waiting to be consumed,
The darkness surrounds me.
Sometimes I think I see the light,
Flickers here and there remind me I’m not alone.
I’ve almost followed them out,
Out of the darkness,
Out of the pain,
Out of the shadows of doubt and torment.
But as quickly as I stand up,
I am pulled right back.
I return to my corner,
It’s comfortable there.
The shadows are my friends,
The darkness shields me from pain.
But it’s the moments when her arms are around me,
It’s these moments when I run the hardest to get out.
Her eyes tell me I can do it,
Her touch tells me she’ll catch me.
But when I blink,
The shadows rush back in.
The darkness tells me to look away.
Look away, don’t let her pull you out!
This corner is where you are comfortable,
This corner protects you, remember?
I shrink back from her touch,
I look at anything but her.
Trapped or kept safe?
It’s an endless cycle and I can’t escape.
I curl back up into myself,
Shadows fall back across my shoulders.
I’m crying on the inside,
I’m smiling on the outside.
Oh to be free from the depths of my mind!
I think about leaving my corner,
Emerging from the darkness,
Brushing off the shadows.
Exclaiming to the world who I am!
And running straight to her.