I dealt death today.

I know it’s a part of the job.
I know I’ve seen it too many times to count.
But today,
I felt it.

I left the room long after their family did.
There was no where I could go
To escape their

Roaring grief.

They were long gone.
And I was left with their precious baby.
I curled his arms and legs up
Closed his eyes
Wrapped him up gently.
With love and respect
Here he’ll sleep forever.

And oh,
They are so thankful,
That it was me
That I understood
That I was so careful
That I spent the time with them.

And you’re not supposed to take it with you.
You’re supposed to leave it
When they walk out the door
With one less goodbye.

But I took it with me today.

The way they felt before
The way they felt after
The long quiet goodbyes
The man in a suit on his knees weeping
The mother and son making a cocoon
Sheltering their dying baby.
The solemn face of the woman who plays god.
The green death.
The last breath.
The heaving of the living as he gave his last.
The waiting.
Slower rhythm.
Quieter.
‘He’s gone now’.

I watched the clock
The same way I had
An hour before
Waiting for death.

Soon as I could
I fled out the door
Ran into the street
Tried to outrun it

Instead I ran to you
I dialled your number
With shaking hands

I know I’m not supposed to
But all I wanted was you
Your voice

Ringing out
Thankfully
I wept alone.

Today I dealt death
And I found I am not strong enough
To sustain this
Alone
Or for long.

I found I still consider you my haven
Deep down
But that you are not my haven anymore
Or should be.

I listened to the silence
After the call rang out
And decided

Does it make it for you?
do the breaths that we breathe
take your heart?

does your sleeve miss me
the
way that I miss you?

I want it and
you
do too
but you hold me back,


Lust is just a passing phase
in our youth when the days
rolled into one
but
longing lingers on.

I watch you
naked on the beach
that should have taught me
what
you wouldn't teach

I never learn.

you dwell in my sight like yesterdays
your voice is a melody upon my mind
your gaze snows upon my heart

melting me each moment
is your warmth, so unknown rather forgotten
i had turned into a rock long back

you swell in my heart like a dear wish
your smile streams in my blood like some drug
your touch still tickles deep into my skin

freezing me every once in a while
are your memories, so indestructible in form
i had no refuge to survive by, otherwise

The walls are a litter
of chaos layered upon
the anarchy of
spray painted letters;

Various styles of
dripping calligraphy,
silver lines spilling
their energy down
this hard word laden wall.

A lovely looping Y
is engraved in flesh tones
while the rest of the word
remains unknown
permanently obscured
by the intent of
newer artists.

I am awestruck
to the point of
an autistic response,
paralyzed by the
thick presence
of chipping paint
that flakes off
to take us back
to a blank canvass past.

Till, a swirling view
twirling through
enchants me to move.

My hands tremble,
reaching for the small breach,
longing to be swallowed,
absorbed, and added
to this discordant beauty.

Spent all day thinking of ways to curate myself out to the world.
Pretending to whisper when I wanted to scream.
Pretending to love when i wanted to run.
The fire diminished, but so did the fine line between madness and insanity.
That line was her. Not broken, just bent.
She was all of it, my redemption, my muse, my freedom. But what do you do when freedom starts feeling like a noose around your neck, tightening by the minute. You smile as you choke. You cry, but only tears of joy.
She was a fresh page, on a clean notebook. And all i wanted was to blot my scrappy ink on her fine lines.
Guilt drowned in fear. Fear of losing her. Guilt of the freedom i craved.
She killed me with everything she had. Constantly and consistently. She killed me but brought me back to life, just a little bit each time with a kiss.
Each time, just enough for me to watch her do it all over again.