my
dad would wake up in the middle of the night
at 4am
i would hear his footsteps and wake up too
i remember being 7 years old
wondering if he was okay
i would wake up
with just a feeling
he wasn't
i would tiptoe down the stairs
and ask him why he was up
he would look at me and faintly smile
"sometimes i can't sleep"
"me too"
"we're the same"
"i know"
some months i would have a nightmare a day
some months none
some nights i could find my dad downstairs

my teeth are raw and quivering
now that i'm awake the grinding has stopped
my heart is racing my
mind faster
my stomach is twisting
hallow but twisting
i want to purge
it's 4am and my nightmares have woken me up again
i'm shaking
and
crying
my nightmares are another reality
so real and so vivid
fear built from nothing
fear that spills into my daily life
how do i ease my thoughts
how do i stop them

i’m drunk
the room spins delightfully
i feel numb
i’m angry but hopeful for a better tomorrow
always wishing for tomorrow
brenton wood and nat king cole soothe my nerves, ease me into a deeper numbness
soon i’ll wake up
and it’ll all be over
perhaps i’ll regret it
but it’ll all be true
the numbness eases the mind and brings a side i can’t see
it’s all true

that stupid saying
how does it
go
if he loves you, he’ll try
if he likes you, he’ll call
if he likes you, he’ll make an effort
why do women analyze this **** so much
why do women spend their days, brunches, dinners, date nights analyzing every single detail of their relationships
i was once one of these women
oh
maybe it means THIS
maybe it means THAT
if a man is ******, he’s ******
sure he’s conflicted, holding onto trauma from years past that’s making him act like an *******
but that’s no excuse to deal with someone ******
tell that ******* to see a therapist and find yourself a man that makes it clear the way he feels about you
simple
resolved
no more days, brunches, dinners, date nights wasted

you told me once to not give people the benefit of the doubt
that people are not the way they seem, that people take advantage of you
i, naive, pushed it away and believed it untrue
but slowly and slowly i have seen the truth
reflected in the actions of none others but yours
perhaps the only reason you know deceit when you see it is because you’re so **** deceitful
do you even see?
i’ve waited months and months
do you even see?
you don’t and you never will
but i see
and you were right
people are not the way they seem

i was not protected safely in my mother’s womb for 9 months to be treated this way
i was not raised by two parents who love me dearly to be treated this way
i was not held by friends who wiped away my tears to be treated this way
*******
*******
i was not born to help you grow up
i am not here to help you mature or to show you the way
**** your *******
i’m tired of being stepped on for male growth
you will not mature at my expense
take your **** and **** elsewhere
my destiny does not align with yours, as much as your possessiveness believes to be true
i may have given myself to you for a mere second
but this is only a year amidst many, baby
and if you can’t take it on your own
then goodbye and farewell
i bid you adieu
good luck with your ****
good luck finding someone to wipe your *** for the rest of your life

i wish i could balance the serotonin in my brain
i wish i could fix the receptors the cells the nerve endings
that have all been ****** up
since the day i was born
i wish i could study my own brain in an attempt
to understand myself better
all my thoughts are compulsive, inevitable
it’s been one day without my lexapro
who knew 10mg of an antidepressant could really make a difference
i felt lively, happy, free in the early morning
i laughed and giggled at every little thing
my thoughts jumbled and a little delirious
but my skin tingled with joy
and for absolutely no reason
i knew the joy would subside
i could feel the rush of happiness and recognize it was only temporary
everything that comes up must come down
and it did
as soon as i closed my eyes softly to sleep
a light turned off
my happy deliriousness descended into depression
i lay in bed for a couple hours
staring into nothing
thinking about nothing
and the quiet depression descended into graphic imagery of my own death
my daydreams in the dark became full of loaded guns, ropes hanging from trees
my own mind betraying me
telling me i was not loved, i should not exist
and then i sat up
and began to write this
anything to stop thinking about a gun to my head