a beautiful home
on a beautiful suburban street
a cul de sac lined with 13 beautiful homes

two stories and white
a perfectly maintained garden on each side
a vast front yard, each blade of grass cut fine
a driveway, lined with expensive cars
a pathway, paved with adobe tile
a window, looking directly into the home
a painting, a couch, a television

and upstairs
a girl
a young daughter
with her curly hair *******
in her bed
home alone
dreaming of the day she dies

please don't yell at me
please don't be aggressive with me
please don't raise your voice

please don't bring back these awful memories
please don't remind me
please don't open the scars within my mind
please don't cut the canyons deeper

i've kept them locked for so long
hidden and quiet
for many years

my insanity is a symptom bred and born from the wounds
my insanity is a plea for help
will you please

every sunday me and my family
would take a trip to san diego
a 3 hour car ride there
a 1 hr and half car ride back
it would start off pleasant
with the excitement to see my cousins
i would listen to music quietly
with my headphones and stare out the window
all the hedges and trees disappearing by
all those beautiful hues of green

i remember one sunday in particular
as the day turned to night
my dad hit my mom
a quick punch to her left temple

i remember screaming and crying
with my brother in the backseat

and as we both cried softly in the backseat
as my parents continued to fight
we would stare outside the window
for that 1 hr and a half
and dream of a better life

and it was like this every sunday
an 1 hr and half trapped with two people
that were supposedly in love

why do all my relationships fail
i used to think it was them
i used to call my friends and place the blame
i used to cry and ask why men are this way

but then it all crashed down
so suddenly it was all thrown in my face
maybe it wasn’t them

i try to run away from the reality
i cover it up with “i don’t knows”
i laugh and forget and start again

but i remember
i remember the days i would cry myself to sleep
as a little girl
every morning and every night
i would hear the fighting and screams
my mom would throw books cds shoes
scream and cry scream and cry
my dad would chase her out the door
shout and curse shout and curse

my older brother would come into my room
and i would hold him tight
and caress his head
“it’ll be alright”

after a few minutes
few hours
the noise would cease
and the house would fall quiet

my mom would find her way to my room
and i would hold her tight
she begged to know why life was like this
why my father was like this

every fight she looked into my eyes
she became quiet
and said i reminded her of my father
and asked why

after my father would find his way to my room
sit on my bed
lean his head back against the wall
look up at the ceiling
and ask why
why we were like this
why we feel this way

then after it all
everyone would be okay
quiet and resolved
forgiven and forgotten
ready to start another day

and i would close the door to my room
finally
gently tuck myself under my blankets
and cry until my insides felt empty
until the sun rose
until the start of a new day
a new fight

i could cry
but instead i feel empty inside
i know
what it’s like
to be on the other side
i know
what it’s like
to have that flinch
that millisecond of pain
i know
what it’s like
to brush it off
to push it away
to look forward to other days

am i divine
am i saint
or am i the devil in disguise
a satan
my mind’s favorite game
the foreword to my demise

the ego and the id
persuade me
manifest themselves
into my reality

my subconscious presents itself
to others
but hides from me

in the silence and solitude
the ego and the id
berate
manipulate

my mind’s favorite game to play
living in a state of eternal perplexity

do i light this cigarette
do i pour the gas and start a flame
do i run a bath
do i run away
do i plan my death
do i plan yours
do i pick up the phone and call
do i take a leap off this pier
do i plan a coffee date
do i plan my whole life away
do i dance
do i cry
do i change my name
do i leave the state
do i start a new life
do i forget
do i remember