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Tom McCone Apr 2013
sometimes I feel like all that's
left of me is a lingering headache,
like all I am is short periods of
consciousness punctured by long lots of
sleep,
floating static below the ice
whilst everyone else ambles on,
above.

sometimes I feel like I've never
even touched the air.

like I'm just pretending to
breathe.
handwritten: http://25.media.tumblr.com/65fca7594b6a5a9c2fec4fda0520c63e/tumblr_mlof0yPerS1r1qhb5o1_500.jpg
Tom McCone Dec 2013
heat sinks through
my skin these days, i
can't keep it out. i can't stay
put to shed the extraneous
motion inside of me; i suppose,
if anything,
i'm contracting, collapsing.

god knows what i am willing,
but, angularly, my
motives are changing and i'm
afraid of where these
clouds lead.

am i free or just a
cast shadow of me?
am i a liar,
or do i care simply in veiled metre,
and
would i stop before i seem?
i can't cope with strangers here but,
i can't move an inch.
Tom McCone Jul 2014
i was never the origin of
your misery. too busy with
my own; but i'll hold you
when days find their way
down to cold. i'll issue soft
brushes against your skin
if you want reassurance, or
warmth, or just to not feel
so alone nights like tonight. at least, you
ain't alone in that. and i
could keep spilling the same
sentences for fifty long years
now, but i'm not entirely sure
i can make it. without you,
at least.
                so, here is where i'd
typically say "but, of course, you'd
never care. never come round.", but
i'm clasping small hope. rings
around the moon. i'm dizzy,
just thinking.
unedited as of yet. also, sigh.
Tom McCone Aug 2015
i walk down roadsides n smile at clouds in towering wonder and sit upon hillocks of gravel watching citylights and knowing the same kinds of light shine upon you, too, sometimes: sweet, and in flittering movements. and in this snow-flurry, a single snowflake floats down the river of endless night, and drifts lazy pattern from our respective skins to each other's; i'll clamber up, down, over valleytops and riverbeds

to find you
naturellement
Tom McCone Jun 2015
a quiet
the scent of distant fires
slow, swimming pulse
Tom McCone Apr 2015
we shiver our way, caught in rain-drifts.

in dreams, i
buckle knees, spark of flint
beneath
every unfolding seam,
every glistening lake,
each
tremulant dichotomy; we
sang songs, like:

the sky sinks, week by week, endlessly-
outcrop, crawling under tide.

stars caught, all in your eyes. all set alight.
all time & try.
Tom McCone Mar 2015
from another side of a window,
a shadow permanently cast:
disinterest licks lips. like i ain't
care to know. as if time were
our great merchant, as if wares
bought ashore were something
more than summarisable.

doubt, crushingly, descends.
the shore-lined, i, sent moral
and virtue on pieces of 'hear',
& a little less say. words
falter; left to hang, unimaginatively,
like candles under the thatched
ceilings of humanity. oh,
how we were led to the water.
taught to breathe. how were we
ever pure? some animal below,
some eternity at fingertrim.

can't believe this freedom,
of sailing above standing
waves. set-out regularities.
wrought up a smile with
alligator teeth. dust's song.

yet another 2:01am.
'Reason promises happiness; Feeling protests that it is Happiness; Sense alone gives Happiness. And Happiness itself is like dust in the mouth.'
Tom McCone Nov 2015
oh corporeal form, that
shaped by the motions of boulders
n sand, why do restless waters go
always like this - lapping at
the doorframe, the little dripping
sounds in
the basement?

held an arm up, to the sky,
to clear the sun out of sight,
but somehow you just can't catch warmth,
here.

and i said all of the things that i'd
needed to say but if not
why's it matter,
either? what a curse;
am i sad?
am i happy?
am i just over it?

& is that just the same
as giving up?
fool's gold
Tom McCone Jul 2013
we
hung up our mutual fascinations
at the door, on coat rack hooks,
tarnished like the afternoon was
slowly pouring into.

speaking in short sips from *****
mugs, i realized i couldn't even
figure out how to like you, when i
thought i had loved you so dearly.

the story goes:
i bought your love, commercial
and diffuse. i bought your love top
shelf in ****** bars. i bought your
love at k-mart. the fluorescent
promise on the display case
cupped small hands around my
face, covering my faltered eyes,
and fed me to you on ornate
teaspoons like quartered
mandarins.

no.
i can't do this. i can't do this to you,
to me, to this grand ******* world;
this ugly spectacle of ceaseless
movement around us. i can't let
you be a mistake. i've collected too
many. you'll be lost. you are lost.
you're lost. you're lost.

now, i only remember you when
i'm trying not to.

my heart is a river, and you were a
chemical spill,
were every fish,
every streambed,
you were every fleck of shale,
every mote of dust,
the cumulative gravity of
all galaxies in one instant.


and what, now?
you're just gone,
and
i'm just breathing.
Tom McCone Jul 2013
every hairline fracture
in the sidewalk has
a story longer than
numbered pages could allow
so
why can't i
figure out a single word
to say to you?
Tom McCone Jul 2013
the sky was on fire this
morning. the whole world
stood still, ablaze.
i was asleep, though. asleep
and dreaming of missing you.
like i usually am.

in the interim time periods
amidst two
weeks
too
late resolutions i
always say it's always too late i
think i'm going or gone insane;
asleep and over hills
and hills and
hills that don't exist, how
can the world still spin with
its one glimmering turning point so
far away?

i let the birds open up
the window, let
choke my lungs on
clean air, choke me from
tender clouds, all cutapart endings,
rusty-hinged doorways.
from dreams i never wanted anyway.
dreams of your wet eyes.

i'm not drunk though. just a mess.

*and you know how i love you,
too. in quiet frequencies and
teapots and cold mornings, in
birdsong and my slow
anxieties.
but you already know that.
dawn slowly
drips out
from fissures
between pinpointed
light, glaciers
circulating in
backlit skies.
Tom McCone Jan 2016
last time, before i
slept, i felt the huge vast
emptying of the housing
of myself. the
feel of melatonin, shape
of space too impossible
to occupy. coalescing thoughts
as a pearl bound in ring of
starlight.
and i rolled out of my body
& stepped acres
& came alight beside the
porching of your own,
and, in whatever moment's motion
you were carried through, i
saw
faint blue, pulse in your neck,
and lay my hand on your cheek,
and was happy
a lasting moment
until i didn't exist.
Tom McCone Apr 2014
tie up, covet space and
wind wound round to
collect all thrown away.
  this is the gutter that seeps;
  this is where my sedimentation begins,
  pure, anew:
the base culvert of societal demands,
a miserable brand name:
i curled inside the hollow inside of
you devoted to my coveture. all just

false lashes. i can
read into nothing, too. i
can subsist like the
consistency, consumption or
delegating i. this destitute
diplomacy. i can
let go without blinking.

  or at least, i would've wanted to.
but
  you know better. with
  teeth, you read desperation
  on the architecture of my lips.
a hand cast
  a shadow on me to show some
  substance. bare fangs and
  open up. new space unfolds.
  with clarity, i pretend to see.

i can be patient,
but plans fall apart.
  i can't wait forever.
sorry, maybe.
Tom McCone May 2014
lights precesses against smoothing-out
concrete, dawns like these. red runs
down and out my twitching strings,
puddles on the brickwork gathering
about every footstep. trying to make
myself a little more like you. a little
further away. a little less dizzy.
a small crown of wilted lilies.
woke up feelin' somethin' similar, taking
a collection of successive moments
erasing all wishes my lips could ever
graze pastures you stitch between
snowmelt watercolour blinks and the
sugar in your navel and (well, you
get the idea). glacially, i converge to
some semblance of divergence. stop
wishing a second to next. what good
are wishes? what good am i to you,
at least yet? with heavy linen, i'll
mend. i hope you see me, beautiful
as dawn, wide-eyed, mauled by
no icicle; and increasingly lament what
you could
have had, honey
(not knowing you still
can)
Tom McCone Oct 2013
inside surfaces; a couplet affair of
mess and lost movement,
what small safety is left to believe in
can't make me or
you listen:
desperation makes soft
rainfall outside seem like
splinters,
chopsticks neither of
us would bother split,
anyway.

and now i
'm drunk and
now, i can't figure
out
how
softness works (am i weak and formulaic?),
or how i've
switched heartbeats
to some small
distance that won't capitulate.

capitulation would be far too easy,
of course.

how built up speculation,
inevitably in isomorphism
to your sweet ruffled hair,
to another lover,
who won't care anyway,
(will she?)
wines and dines my
foolish mind.

is all this pursuit futile?

just;
please care for me,
new darling, you,
as anyone in rainfall,
or tomato juice, or;
basically:
i need
all the ******* help in the world,
right now.

give me something.
anything.

dying for new light,
i managed to set sights on
oceans or
footsteps abroad or
just not feeling like this,
if that's ok?
Tom McCone Feb 2013
-I stand in a corridor and scream-

there is no echo, I am not screaming,
the scream is a landmine,
taped to every last pore of my flesh.
I make clawmarks, pulling skin off.

but the pores go on forever,
but my fears keep flowing,

like the white breaking porcelain
on the shoreline I drown in,

-I am alone-
and,

and the clock's killing me,
in slow moves, toothache,
and the rising tide of that sea.

-I am a field-

littered with bodies, just like mine:
I've discarded each of them,
when I don't want to be me.

but I want to be me.

I just don't feel this way, with any consistency.
so,

I just need some small anything,
need your love more than everything,
but who am I kidding;
you'll never love me.

-I am left to my misery-
-47
Tom McCone Mar 2016
-47
from the windows, a mottled sky,
pink & blue, wraps across the western
hills of the valley. tararuas draped in
clustering dark white fogthrow, and
my heart ticks down hours, a handful
of round dozens, not even that.

the streetlamps flicker up,
a little glistening roll of sparks,
sweet, all at once, and
coat riverstone and the valley
floor and, of course,
tugs at strings. but i haven't
said anythin', just yet.

as typical,
will just disappear; as a
daydream evaporates,
come autumn.
sad style
Tom McCone Jan 2013
like all life, in turn,
the wind falls for the sea.

he whispers secrets to her surface,
the words of every voice
that had screamed or spoken into his midst.

the sea retorts:
"I can not love," she says
"there are too many a ship's wake
I still bear on the skin of my pride,
those vessels that had torn holes into me,
sunk, to my depths,
and, now, all they do is decay."

the wind heaves a sigh, and a town, picturesque,
seven thousand three hundred and fifty-four miles away,
rustles under the front.

the land, that child, bristles, fumes and
the wind brushes the sweat from its forehead,
sings lullabies,
'til the earth does not heave any more.

under the choir of stars, the wind weeps
the sea takes his misery in,
and, feeding her countless children,
she sings back
to the wind:

"you breathe the life into me,
without you, all my organs would cease,
but dry your eyes, love,
all your ripples on my skin
serve to tear me apart,
and, by this moonlight,
I shall not know
where either of us begin"

the wind calmed, smiled,
fell and drew near to his lover,
sighed once more, content and delicate,
and, on a shoreline
four thousand five hundred and thirty-seven miles away,
a child, watching the sun fade,
felt the slightest hint
of a salted breeze caressing her hair.
Tom McCone May 2014
you can drive me anywhere you like
i won't leave you tonight
Tom McCone Jan 2016
dug up my own bones, what
a shock, from the soil. found
myself amidst the roots and
stones, tangled up, not an act
of fiction or faith. just position.

and, so, turned to the wrought
ligaments of my jaw, i asked
"why were we buried so
shallow?". but, bones don't speak.
history is nameless and without
sight. we stand on the precipice
of a crumbling tower, and, down
in the cellar, ferment languages
unspoken. hands in pockets,
well, i wandered down,
expressionless, steps ringing
hollow on the uncatalogued
leaves of stairs, and drank deep
of tongues untouched. and such
are all knowings. and god knows
i learnt next to nothing, but that the
sun always rose. that lovers spurned
each twilight, waiting.

and for all of the square meters
grown up in glades everlasting,
for all the soil tilled and grass
come back brighter, my shoes
were all the muddier, my eyes
were full of eternal shine, my
****** heart was healin'. the
sky was only blue.
Tom McCone Dec 2012
scene: Fast-food outlet half plastic paper cup rolling aberrant twixt the fingers of a mild breeze, leaving traces of hollow sounds against the leg of a bus shelter.
~
Feeling diseased, predominantly symptomatic of the hard shutdown and cardboard cutout nervous impulses of this nigh-fluttering arrhythmia, the haunting thought of how I really just can't do this anymore, permanently leaving dwellings of what could've been in sheltered murk; remembering the sound of exhaling as I had fallen to delicately brush your cheek, the little things you never noticed... you never did notice, did you?

[
not that I gave you any reason to.]

And, now, it's all loss and letting go or giving up: so, nothing has changed, save for long-deliberated decisions finally made, regarding quitting and cutting down on thinking about such matters and moral dilemmas whilst time dries out; I have more lives to lead, do I not? Even if, once, the belief was that you were all the life I needed, in whatever meanwhile we tangled up in our collective noose-knots. Even if I thought I'd loved you.

Left with the curtain pulled, grey rolling hilltops, all I have to admit is that there's no reason, any more, to get messed up over these bits like gravel and tar into tender soles; it all drops out with disaffected expressions, a little pain [
much, much less than would eventuate, if circumstances were left the way they are*], and those lingering half-degree burns your lips left around my breath.

It's not your fault.
I never meant to fall for you in the first place, anyway.
I'm trying to make things right.

So, don't worry any more, for to neglect the corridors of my heart set aside for you is all I can do, now.
reworked bus-stop chest-leakings.
Tom McCone May 2014
residue, she switches like
clean plastic circuits under
my fingernails. two minutes
breaking down, all it took.
even moving parts from afar
seem placid. could've sworn
i heard just one of your
heartbeats. could've sworn i
was underwater at one or another
point i'll become lack-
lustre and you can change your
mind. no trace of blame. long
after this fact you'll still be
a recurring theme on the
back of my palm as skin shifts
in colourless hues inside
sleep. no matter which hand
i write with, your name
looks the same. shines.

i bide motion, sit still,
as the earth revolves around
something new.
leaf litter trails under noon. i'll be home before dark.
Tom McCone Dec 2012
say something or just
keep on makin' ghost-patterned, intervening silences,
                    singing
or half-murmuring
                                 verses, those ones from slow songs under low light,
the same refrain that runs between all the others,
through the passage of weeks, stained tobacco sweet by eleven-thirty iterations;

                       [post-meridian or particulate matters only,
                                                                           of course,
                                                                        it's hard to wake before noon anymore.]


with the way these rhythms keep us down
                                                          and out,
counting the methods-
the summations of potential miseries,
and the probabilities that all would or could turn around, before the end of the week.
                                                                                        or the next one.

                            and,
outside the door, the one after that,
                                       over the acres of concrete and pale shade,
streetlit likenesses hushing air through melting neighbourhoods,
                                                            I make imaginary footprints,
wondering which, of the field of household starlit comforts,
                           is the blade of grass you cast seeds from
to inadvertently germinate and sprout a well of aspiration, the wind in a stranger's ribcage,
                                                                      continually growing, hiccoughing leaf litter,
                 with every last breath.
I couldn't think of a title, which ended up in lawn research
my sister said "I think I'm here", as I embraced another goodbye and I was already opening the door
[this was unnecessary, but I liked the line]
I am tired,
too tired for my own good. and, still, awake.
It has been another day.
Like any other.
Tom McCone Feb 2014
led blind through fields,
soft seared footprints
fade down to
bent stems, folding back
into the sky.

ridges, across the inlet,
spell out acres
we could run away to;

but, don't move.

here, in this instant,
light shines clusters over
our bodies; forgotten problems
i would hope to dream and
dissipate and wake
next to you.
could
i

be what you want?

'cause
you're all
my eyes have
been seeking out,
lately,
intently,
on all streets,
all buildings
and bars,
in small hope that,
some night or
day soon,
my tired gaze
will catch
yours.
i don't wanna be lost like this anymore
Tom McCone Mar 2013
I'm sorry,
I don't remember your favourite colour.

I know I asked and,
I know you told me and,
  I know I forgot, almost instantaneously;
I'm sure you'd shrug it off,
say it's no big deal,
and, I suppose I might agree,
but
I'd hope that you'd find it meaningful,
that you'd changed mine.

for now, its:

the intervallic hues
of your delicately feathered iris,
blanketed
under starlit night skies,
glittering
by the sodium haze
  of cityscape lights,
and how transient happiness
set the soft outline of your cheek
  ablaze.

your freckles laid out,
like maps of constellations;
  distant pinpoints, strung up on high,
   ages old,
just waiting to fall, at a moment's notice.

the palette of the sweetness of your skin,
made brushstrokes, weaving into my dreams,
  becoming masterpieces, as
literature
rolls
  from your lips
    in dry-ice cloud
  sepia tones,
washing out black and white photographs
I'd hung up,
  in homemade picture frames,
throughout the corridors of my chest.

so,
I'm not sorry for that.

but,
I am sorry if I ever hurt you,
{I don't think I did}
I'm sorry if I'm an *******,
{though I seem to be the only one to think this}

and,
I'm sorry...

I'm sorry if I love you.
Tom McCone Jan 2013
people watch themselves, eye to eye, in the mirror
so ******* afraid, if they turn away,
that they will put the knife down their own spine:
‘it is your fault my heart is dying’
they would say,
‘it is all your fault I am so alone’

so, everyone neglects their profile,
their victorian shade decays,
so, all humans now are, in silhouette,
as hideous as their engorged sense of vanity.
such is the nature of our society, narcissique.

but you, damp heart,
where the rain falls and makes
sweet sap, under that arterial lacework,
your side, lit by heaving sun,
took all that beauty and bound it
under and over your skin,
cheek palette like slow fire,
eyelashes like aching needles,

you keep stealing,
in all those moments between,
stealing me.
Tom McCone Dec 2012
sailing for better shores, or abandoned islands,
      folding paper boats, destined for the mainland.
sat on a bench an hour and a half, out on that bay,
                                          watching seagulls scream,
walking through the dusty overgrowth in a daydream haze,
                                            drawing tiny recipes for loneliness
             out of the thin air.

                         for three days,
        haven't seen fit to eat or drink;
   all sustenance just unsettles
that terrible ache
in the pit of this assemblage of flesh,
        as long days curl into the crescent of
             such half-hearted lunar illumination

the sand always brings those thoughts back-
           how the lights out east
                         strangled the knots
                       in that mousey forest of hair,
eyes, opaque in the shade of half of a hand,
            watching the clock,
               with nowhere to be.

           she disappeared
like paper boats sailing out to sea.
Tom McCone Nov 2013
to have been lead through
slumbering paddocks by
held hands; hope, the  
deity, nonexistent and relentless,
i felt alive-  
was i but the subject
of her meticulously-planned humour?
was i the joke,  
or the punchline?

boldly ripening into
mistaken aphasias, i
find my melting thoughts
matriculating into sharp
movements in the dark:
curves patterned,  
ribcages' separation, a gaussian blur of
intertwined epidermal rivulets,
your soft, slow imaginings becoming
tiny flecks of graphite smeared
a page's width, intricately sown
across skin, that light trickles
through a sliver in the curtains
to wordlessly illuminate.  

seventh memory: a peeling away,
a mandarin on the kitchen counter.
watching stars disappear  
from atop the balustrade, we sit
mere fragments apart, yet
at great distance, like  
the fog of the cities we carry out
the moments of    
our regularized lives, within.

finally, i become translucent.
yet,      
what have the stars become?
Tom McCone Feb 2014
through dawn i stumble,
singing to bustling streets through
clenched teeth, through
wavering eyelids i
am the sum
of the sleep
i haven't got. i
  was lost,
and couldn't
and can't tell if this day
pervades, but;
  lost like this, lost
undercurrent, while caverns of cloud subsume,
i can take this.

in an instant,
lucid life is a dream i
carve whilst awake. i'd
never seen vanishing
as perfectly as this
platanus leaf beneath
rain, beneath me.

the sky dissolves as i breathe,
choking on city air.

at the end of everything,
i draw out short
straws. indisciplined, the
spaces between my heartbeats
become,
to curl up and writhe and
scream aloud your name,
to take down
the whole **** coast
on the single point we
intersect,

   with hope;

to fall into your life, like
slow leaves to footpaths.
unslakable thirst in the backyard
Tom McCone Mar 2013
I had dreams of Utah or Minnesota, though
I've never been anywhere close to either.

I dreamt of the endless fields and their
waving grains and the tendrils of tree limbs
aching outward, towards the sun, when it
bothers slipping by.

I dreamt of women
in black shirts tending bars, and escaping
from the seventy-dollar buses hiding
behind green blocks all corrugated and spry,
when she'd take strangers to bed in
abhorrence of the quiet of sleeping to the
sound of no other's breath. For all
her strength she still lay meekly, wondering
when completion would creep by and slip
between the bedsheets with her; he did,
and she smiled.

Her own heart, swollen,
still questions, however, if she should have
taken the lover who'd found light the
first second he met her. But she's no
clue of the words in his head, 'cept
hazy glimmers in late-night rendezvous when
they once were lonely, out on the driveway where
life stirs once per millenium, where love
lies sleeping under the clarity of stars
some nights when I wish I'd not gone
and left your island, your
pocket of silent faith
waiting to happen,
but I held the seeds under ground
within the winter of my heart.

My toepads glide along crushed glass
in mysteries as the dawn breaks upon
the horizonline, the twisting of orange-lit
pale gold salmonflesh torn cirrus,
sprayed across the sky and
over the sea's edge
I yearn for
so late in the distance.

And it all just keeps coming back to
this:

When we lay in breath harmonics as
humanforged dust found its way through
your eyelids, I was screaming of words, never
even muttered, in mine; the straight gaze and
your slipping eyelashes made morse signals that
I would never decode. Downstairs in the kitchen
in a haze
you said tiny words;
the ones I could never champion,
and for once I believed it
and so left
for your sweet smile's sake.

I'm sorry.
Tom McCone Jan 2014
curling up into all sweet confusions
that trickle down from
your touch,
we become the sky, as birds fall
from above. i lose
a tactician's leverage throughout
this fog; a descension
if you were the moon,
an aberrance,
if you were a single leaf,
dripping from this
tree coiling up to
the lights hung on
netted strings set under
the darkness of the sky,
where-ever you have been.
where-ever you are.

   so,
   do the stars still shine solely for you,
   the nights you most need them?

perhaps i have
gone blind,
just when i need to see you,
more now than ever.
perhaps i've just
been sleeping
a little
too long, inside this cave.

   does the sky still divide the sea?

but, undoing the buttons on your grip,
you build declensions on foundations
of realisation: with full authorship of
your motions, you know you could
go anywhere, love. you now know
away from i is any road, every treadmark
save this single one.
                             and mine is hardly treacherous,
but you'll still only find me in mountaintops,
so i could barely blame you if the path gets
too narrow, or too long-wound.

   do the clouds still turn images
   in full colour, late afternoon, to
   remind you of shapes i imitate
   in all fractured disappearances?

i've seen retreat from so
many sides now, the addition of
yours could
hardly make a dent. not that i
would not lament a loss like you,
more than anything.

   yet, don't
   worry, never
   worry, i can still stay in motion.

still, if you see fit to
collect all broken pieces of me,
and build up this cottage, or nest, you can keep
your heart here long as
you like, darling.
Tom McCone Feb 2013
wake up, feel terrible
for all the right reason
   it is all too easy
          this augmentation
                        this grandeur of emptiness

                                     it is silent

     a car traverses
  another road
humans are out there
alive and breathing and asleep
                                  still asleep
                                  eyes open
                 the humans are just
                          as empty

   in seventeen years
they will be as empty
      in paris
  or new york
  or moscow

their eyes will still speak
  as their mouths curl
and their children cry from
   their cultured gardens
the unfixed faucets dripping
     in their marble slate bathrooms

in the shower
they still wonder
what happened to their lives
          their dreams
and how they'd changed
with every pivotal moment
         they'd passed up
              for comfort
                or a new dream
     conveniently forgetting the rest

   they'll think back
to the faces of lovers
they lost to the road
   or to chance
     or to themselves
       and cry
           in the shower

            if they haven't
     forgotten how to

               recollecting
         how once
       long ago
   in a dream
       they had learnt
dreams don't mean anything.
Tom McCone Apr 2014
here, i've built up
a collection of kilometers;
a fever, written out in stains,
coffee against fingertips; an
indomitable anomie. this
room gets messier by the day,
it won't be clean come
winter. spring. the day you
decide to break down and
call. there are twigs between
these disheveled sheets.
                                        i'm
stagnating. i'm fluorescing,
only for you. only, you can't
see it. just yet, at least.

increments grasp in quiet
moments. sometimes this
clay in my eyes takes your
shape. sometimes i wonder.
sometimes i wish you'd come
over. all times i fall a little
further down.

i've been here before.
but not like this. drowning
on open land. quietness
by any other name.
propinquity, or inertia.
or simple lonesome.

predictably, i lose dreams.
you lean in close,
eyes alight.
Tom McCone May 2015
[i.]

as if slowly lowered back into the tongues of dreams,
in mahogany halls, between stone and glass, between a blink and your thought,
sung out, in the silences laid adrift, before and outside of words,
said all sentiments, patterns refused to belie:

a flurry of days,
offerance in as many hours,
what was found in a cascade of minutes,
later on in the light:
no second thought or first thought.
no gain or loss, no momentum,
save spinning breath, in
hurried paces.

colours of the sky, leaves, sea, all things passed or known; these sit in no compare to lakes, lain, steady under your wavering eyelids. as small wings fluster through limbs and heat, passages become tracts, patchwork, spread and turned fibre, glowing all the while.

no question, plain or perturbed,
where the lights of our lives hide.
just struggle on, in some semblance of consistency,
vacuous and shimmering.
out on the plains.

[ii.]

gold, was each fleck, sent from strand to
strand, to clustering distance;

i, traversing, footmark in sand in moss over
stone under branch & root system:

alive was more than a word.
how much more, was a better question.

but, what quantity counts? anything more than a palm's worth?
more than the passing strangers velocities?
more than the earth spins; what's worth counting?
all is no less or more than one fixed, glimmering
aspect of a dizzying world.

you, standing still, in between moments,
neither recognisable as stranger, or lifeline.
neither hurried nor fretted.
this is why you linger: for that off-moment, i could almost
summarise all i was not looking for, but had found;
to craft twisting afternoons, out on arid lines, through
dense brush, in between columns of oaken air,
and bark,
and low whispers,
and, sung out:

[iii.]

on some further day,
we'll crawl away,
apart or entwined, to
find some open scenery or,
at least, to escape the
concrete and dropped names,

but, steady on, for life
is just
a game
we play,
with little time to waste
on second takes,
or to hide away from the
breathlessnesses we lose,
or give escape,

and, later on, down the
beaten trail, we sing our
separate songs at the
same time, but,
harmonious we,
harmoniously,
end up singin'
all the same lines, anyway,

so, here i stand, and sway,
and disseminate
my fear and doubt,
which look so small,
so far away,
so far, i've taken
small measure to
put down what i
couldn't say
.
almost the closer
Tom McCone Mar 2014
Upon a web strung across vast fields of
pure and distant velvet nothing,
perfect back-traces of the flickering past
revolve in place, in silence,
signs puddled for an instant from abandoned
corners of clusters. Polaris sieves a movement,
severs Octantis in a slated blink of being as quiet
reaches from further clutches, as a light quivers against
the dark, enshrined in its own solace, drinking from
a garden of heaviness; a sigh slips, echoes and lingers.

A tidy emptiness wavers in the tide of
time-shifting constellations, pulses lost in the single
night that never stems. A fine dust propagates
under the breath-patterns of its own constituency.
No symbol spoken, the still moment reaches and
encompasses all, heaving in glass moments compressing
beneath layers, bathed ablaze and curling through its
own precessing maw. Gathering, spiralling pieces of
uncoalesced millenia hurtle against an again hurtling
arm of a freckle gathered on a point of dust drifting
between caverns diving through the weight of walls holding
all that support their standing. A drop of light quivers
from each mouth, hides in crevices where smaller droplets
stand firmer at each junction, stand shining quietly with
no motive, dials slipping. The dripping lays down sheets,
climbs no corridor, designs a movement of no consequence;
dries out, knowing full well all the while. A ghost remains,
or a breath, both ultimately of finite import:
an exhalation or mote of dust.

Rain won't fall, the creek remains and, in tumult etched of
rigid symmetries, forges splits in azure. A broken fullness,
a glimmering product to permute and dissipate repetitions,
the slow formation of a complete emptiness.
In fine tapestry woven through the murk bellowed, the pattern
twists, coiling fingers through itself, the coalescing rotations
play out silence in no coda. The creek was never there.
Rain makes its way.                                                                  
                                       Capsular soil gives, capitulates petrichor,
defies dust aridity to cling in soft bundles about the child,
clothed in broken wings, tail clambering, all fine splits decided
upon countless repetitions passed. Light hovers and lights stand,
spin, in turn, as intervals chew tails through no static
motif, each gesture a mockery of predecessing broken ground
as fingers sliver ever toward known constancy,
blankets of warmth, an unclosing eyelid. Thus shuffles
awake the clamberer, to stretch and arc against potentials,
to fluoresce and bathe in radiance. A greater scheme
mingles at the tips of outstretched arms carrying wings
to break and flesh to guide a canopied architecture into
clearings laid out below twinkling webs to fold through
and let breath be taken as pawprints slowly form the
fingertips of a new architect. The children of the
child watch silent as motion trickles from centuries'
fortune. An emblem hangs in soft light on a ripple over
all-but-still water, cohort as glittering fragments strewn
beside. A bird's cry is lost in the marsh.                        
                                                      Again,
moments of absolute movement lay out beds of stillness, of reprieve.

At sea level, the curling faultlines feed open plain from
glass tears and monuments fleck the landscape of horizon.
To a pivoting sequence carves tiny bound structures in
self-image, a boiled-down replication to forge immemorial
traverse, a hairline fracture led blind through lakes of ice.
Still, to carry forward in a display of conviction, fine
splitting lineage diverges and cross-pollinates. First a
step, then a meadow, a panorama, three scores of
underbrush, seven mountains cradling a single pass,
two endless expanses of peat, one river for the life
of a child, three nights of no sleep, a resolve,
six iterations, one modification, seventeen snowfalls,
one feat built slow to grandeur, three months at sea,
three years at sea, three thousand years, seven oceans,
four hundred billion innovations, a blink of an eye. From
closed wings rise ordered patterns to clamber, always
asleep, to punctuate that immutable grove of light now
organized in transient gleams of projection and
nomenclative claim. Hollowed bellies of these
unstirring colossi, in turn, self-assemble and
writhe against an upturned gradient: disorder
bares teeth, crafts homogeneity and stumbles
on as Polaris dutifully continues in slow march
and reclaim of a ghost still cycling and hiding.

Finally, the moment takes grasp of all else
and itself, and parts tides of now-distant lights
through the ceiling and collapses where, between
word-laden walls, a tiny and terrified piece of
it attempts to reveal to all else that the moment
is already
gone.
written for a reading; never read anyway.
11-12/03/14
Tom McCone Oct 2015
last night, i
sent a wish to the moon, whose
free-spinnin' light cut ochre
circles around pallid circles
through the fractured cloudlines,
and was always, always aware
of the cold, calm, and splintered
heaviness inside me. little voice,
tied around some fingers, leaching
into the streams of my very own thought.
humming: why do i continue to idle?
yes, i play waiting games. no
small question why. those modes are
concrete and understood. but why, then
do these games revolve around filling
my head with poison, when preservation
matters, now - now that i don't foresee
a continual blankness in meaning, anymore?

i am sick of these poisons. i am sick
of these postures. same cycles of words.
i am sick of knowing that i am full well
in control but still give in for the sake
of.. what, habituation? for some mutually-
assured self-destruction? worst of it all
is watching everyone you try to love
crumple up in their own weaknesses, by
each other's hand.

do you just let go of what won't be fixed?
do i just go into hiding,
watch it all slough itself away?
even if it'd hurt that much more?

of course, i stood, queasy, at the riverside,
and could not, for the life of me, read straight
the lines in my gut. lord knows,
lord know, what delusion i sank into,
for my own grand mid-day consolations.

is it cowardice, or selfishness, to need to
save yourself first?
(i'll still try both.
but i'm steadily wearin' down.)
Tom McCone Dec 2013
with a foot firm on clean ground and
another in the ocean,
stretch fingers clear and
hold back hold back- am i really so
rusted out? this
salt erodes
my corrosions,
nobody will
make sure i've got
any vital sign
and still
can't figure out how to cry.

sharp wreathes like
all these 'could's hang,
thick like enveloping
void or city walls or
another jigsaw port i bind to:

why are my insides so
untouched yet torn in rend? i only
feel in whispers from the other
side of an endless warehouse, or
in railway spikes driven through
the side of my skull.

wound down, held back,
and made of iron filings,
wishing for nothing but
nothing.

all these hours to burn;
still, it is i built of but scar tissues.
this is about as festive as i'll ever get.
Tom McCone Sep 2013
i'm not looking for pinpointed lights
in the sky or my veins like
emission spectra of petals you leave
around my aorta
with daisy chain bracelets
whilst holding my heart like a
baby hedgehog or a shard
of glass left from broke-into car
windows our getaway driver, misery,
scattered across the pavement of your
gaze i met for five exact seconds
i remember, clean as new linen,
the geometry of your living room
seventy-six centimetres from your
glasses or the symmetry of the
bridge of your nose or the sound
of your soft exhalation.

to three decimal places i
was in love with you, then.

the rain need not spell it out in
morse for me to know that. the
sun need not rise to devour sleep;
through the ten factorial seconds of
each six-week fraction of my
life,
i dream of you.
Tom McCone Jan 2014
streams of light crawl under
the door and through
three windows:
left
reeling as though wound out
on a thousand lines, fallen from
last night, later on,
before, and this
bed is too large. even if
i hang over both ends,
there's still too much space here.

the depletion drags tracks,
eleven kilometers end to
end,        
how
does this end?
not contained in
this emptiness, surely? i
am too incomplete to halt now; but
we surely perish in slower cities.

we all die in a small town.

losing conscious life,
i walk down the hallway,
arms cradling a bowl of
rain water, carrying animacy to where
your eyelids still
pretend to breathe.

i reach the room, and
find myself waiting, find
you missing.
i can't heal my own wounds.
Tom McCone Jan 2014
a small settle
away; a
message that things are back to normal.
even happily
given time,
the kitten may be so by
itself, may need its paw held,
some cat's
companionship.

remember, we live the
values of one
another- different people, those who
are
used; a quiet life may be left
on loudly.

and,
lonely for you, on holiday or in hospital, would
you prefer nothing?

it's just: I'm afraid and will
need a lot of loving, another animal,
time,

after
you.
burnt pieces
Tom McCone Jan 2014
does a lion lie                                                                     do lies settle here,
beneath these sheets                                                             in these nested enclosures,
i've found myself strewn upon?                                      or corridors, from i to places
                                                                                                   never invented?
or just clusters of stars,
too distant                                                                               seven things
from wherever i found myself,                                        burnt oceans into sand;
or what breathing was,                                                         two glimmering points.
or emptiness?
                      there you were,                              a sign of rehearsal,
pulling life down, on trails hung                               or omen, or,
in perfect lines from                               just kind of nothing
each &every; spark in the sky                                         at
                                                                                 all.
nine. sharp.
am i
always just
this unmotivated?


do i truly perceive
the embedding nothingness                                                      does this get
from life, or just in dream still?                                                          any easier?

    
                                                                                                         i'd rather find
                                                                                                               myself at
                                                                                          the bottom of the ocean,
                                                                    some
                                                                             days,
                                                                      i guess.                                   sorry.
"i had a dream you picked up your feet and walked on over to me
i had a dream i finished those songs i gave up on
it doesn’t seem fair to be alone in the spring air
but i added the numbers from those long ****** up summers and i found myself there
with you.."
Tom McCone May 2014
brush teeth with some resolve
i'm empty as always but
i'm convinced you might know
how to fix me, or at least
how to **** me. caught
word on some wind, out on the
highway, nothing matters. not
heartbreak, not mistakes. i
can't blame you for changing.

but if you are waiting, i
might alter my pace. this
could be the last first night
i feel this way, with no
means to celebrate or dissolve
into catastrophe. i'm so full
of empty so baby please
save me.                    

i can't do better but i can't
really promise i'll stay the same.
caught a bus up the one-way.
babe, all i saw was your face.
movin' out midwest or somewhere
else, just another mistake, just
another escape. doesn't matter
anyway. can't promise
things will be ok.

but maybe i could
love you, someday.
Tom McCone Apr 2013
I slept with the light still on and
with a twenty-cent piece
stuck to the skin of my side,
my dreams, all excavated from this
bull
****
night
in which I keep making a fool of myself,

like all these constricted alleyways,
painted with my partial sadnesses.

all the silver linings are still
just the colour of bile.


no more can I remember what
I dreamt of;
I don't even know what I believe,
even so, I'll just keep slurring these words,
just,

falling further down
and down again.

awash with the malice of three hundred
unassuming passers-by,
this abandoned night
crawls silently
and spills its guts lengthways,

so that I must drag myself along,
through this pit of churning lament
I could never quite get out of,
and

the stars above kick dust;
twinkling out,
one by one.
Tom McCone May 2013
I struggle,     stumble,
under the  momentum of
          slow crushes:
a riverbed,      cultured-

                               the way you walk,
                                       you speak,
                           or turn corners,
                                           you
                forget how far nowhere is from here

       -how long it is until
passage through those alps
          to forget how far I've gotten
                     from the town
                             you turn into,

forgetting, you're
    not, ever, going to
       want to
be a dancer

                 "...because I'd have
                               to move
                               I guess"

and the only town left
I know you in anymore,
is all cracked concrete,
empty parking lots,
lights way down,
you not ever
there.
Tom McCone Mar 2015
sunder sky. days follow.
traverse is but one
word or may
mean anything; all,
open season, like
rain under dawn,
over autumn. like
some footstep, laid down
in the dirt:
i,
in constricting rock tunnel.
hm. where'd i leave my mind.
Tom McCone Oct 2015
it might be easier like this. lull, time, old notions. i
tell stories, not for any kind of living - save a richer
internal monologue - but, instead, to know that our
thoughts suffice to change the world around us. to
weave fiction so tightly into the earth, that it cannot
help but become truth. the longest story, the one i
could never put down, will always unfold:

most of the time, it was dark. without corners
to sweep this dark into, the world decayed into
modes of static blips. fumbled sparks, outside,
where i felt lawn between my toes, but knew not
of collections of blades. cold, a shade merged with
the remaining ripples. its exterior product, a
binding over my skin. one often knows not that,
sometimes, they cast their own snares (wrote that
a while ago, though. my own cruel traps.), and
sit and wonder who was so thoughtless as to
leave them out. dream of wakefulness. spend
days without movement, spent-up significance.
and there i was, collection of nested shells in the
backyard. concentric. so elated in the safety. my
sweet guardian, the embrace of stillness. left
wondering why i felt so alone, in crowded
hallways and streetlamps.

it was millenial, or epochal, sleep that kept me in there,
so long. the sparks spun under creation and annihilation.
and i, omniscient and blind, slunk out under a grin to
acknowledge the efforts. the pains of a sudden and bright
world. the fleeting hand of sweetness. and i stood, stone,
and knew to feed a fraction of it was only the more painful,
but that my crumbling surface was still too rough to give
it all away. always too early in the game. and i saw lakes,
from afar, and ached for all time, or just enough to lose
breath. i saw dazzling pinnacles and wished i were the
rain, for at least when water freezes, it is beautiful-
not chaotic and terrified. i had no facade of ice, though.
through to the roots, i was always
the same as the sun;

fissuring warmth, upon small bands.

it was just a single sliver of all time that
split every wall, though. i was at rest,
as eternal. the sound was impetuous, yet
left a permanent ring in my unfurling ears:
i heard your song. heard it ring out, forever.
awash with new & unfound oceans, i stretched
my wingspan wide and tugged at the seams
in the wallpaper. i pled, and cried out to
this new universe. to have known everything,
but only of a tiny & compact void. and, then,
i understood the shade. with bright light,
we see into darkened corners. the world is
a slipping tether.

i hold my eye up close, to the window,
and now know the majesty of my
so-called eternity was a ripple in a
footpath puddle. i grasp at the cracks
in the walls. i tear at them 'til my hands
bleed. i am but a small bird, stuck in
a nest of my own construction. but, i
have plans. but, i'm learning to fly, to
get back to the great glowing
shine, up above:

to bring back all the warmth, and lay, gently,
by your side, in new nest; this vast world,
and to never stop humming.
Tom McCone Oct 2014
some moon slunk through stifled air
as, upon stone and soil, a piece of
humanity trembled on. cold starlight.

dried out, under the streetlights where
my footsteps oughta be. standing and
slaughtering my hopes, never knew
near enough
                                
                         ­    i guess i'll survive

nothing lost for all small collection,
he dug nails into palm. the sound of
asphalt will make him sick, in time. not
that he isn't already. just doesn't know it.
just doesn't know who he is, if anything.

my excuses bear down, sharp
teeth in the kitchen, asleep, aside
drunk& disfigured i, contorting amidst
these dreams. waking up bleeding.


waking in the morning, sunlight
screaming through, ocean roar silent;
to stand up and start moving, without
making a sound, through the same
ideals. the same patterns.

*i am held at the throat, at the fingertips
of this rend, of my own heart.
Tom McCone May 2014
a stale giant under a smoking
roof designs agony only
befitting of i. up in
another attic, the map
of the day dissolved. hope
in suffix, she cast another
loop round my spine. a
wound to forget to mend,
a few days, some potable
words. just carrying along.

red, she still carves into
my eyelids closed. a fool
plays gambit above the
ground. we were flanked
by frigid soil, and given
time the space bred in
our met gaze would surely
go to seed. but, questioning
whether we'd even make
a half-heatbeat through
this mess, i can't convince
myself you'd walk along
more'n a couple miles.
i'm becoming further away.
in an instant you could
catch me,
though. i can wait.

but not forever.
tiny glimmer of hope. don't fade too fast, please.
Tom McCone Jul 2015
breath, turned out upon a
closed little world, can
dance and maybe some
thing i've known forever is
dawning
and/or has dawned, upon
my churning little world:

left in dust, sleeping for
a majority of the season,
some
days little more than
manifestation of the
meaninglessness of
life. monolithic guilt.
ever-full of empty.

but, others, i see you
in everything, dripping from
facets (have i said this before?
is this nothing new? i hope so),
see your eyes in strangers, not
so bright, but looming, still;
heave breath and smile and
know, somehow, we've been
tied together in this mess, and
that maybe life isn't devoid
of reason, or that it may still
be, and it doesn't matter.
won't you step into the light, that i could make you out
Tom McCone Apr 2014
i brush a tender moment, strewn beside
the traffic lights in your eyes. to collapse!
to hold this a second longer! you burn like
sodium, on the inverted face of my retina.
in the thick undercarriage of cloud cover
you pour into my skull, fine droplets, as

rain begins to fragment sidewalk lines.
open bold nothing, i. what can be lost?
against all views from above the city, a
glimmer belies some gain. if a single cut
of grass sprouts from the ground, no loss
will matter. we will orchestrate a forest.
you will see. we will arch our backs, join
gaze, scrape teeth and house the ocean.
the sky will collect where our skin meets.

so, i feign no casualty and slowly
dissolve at the thought of you.
we will lay in covers of fallen leaves
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