betrayal is a *****.
she is a slap in the face and a blow to the knees.
she is a whipping wind compared to a balmy breeze.
she is phone calls and sleepless nights spent mulling over the wrongs.  
she is wondering what you could have done to deserve this all along.
she is the melancholy set of lyrics i recite.
she is the darkest tunnel with no ending or light.
she has been lurking, yet she is still new,

and because of her, i don't have you.

t.m.

heart soars
stomach drops
mind races;
the sense of sweet delirium
that accompanies
even the slightest of touch

eyes meet
cheeks flush
gentle grins;
the high that takes
forever to come down from
even in the tiniest of moments

hands entwined
heartbeats synced
thoughts shared;
the simplistic nature of
happiness between two people
when they connect

t.m.

inhale;

you are strong
you are powerful
you are admirable

you are different
you are intelligent
you are exquisite

you are beautiful
you are talented
you are loved

exhale;

you are enough.

t.m.

days turned into weeks
weeks turned into months
and, today,
twelve months make up a year
that you've been gone

i will never forget how
on one of the worst days i'd ever faced
you told me to smile
because you thought i was
"so beautiful when i smiled"
and that i should be happy

you seemed to be the happiest of all
and then it all turned upside down;
we were hurled into a frenzied mess
of confusion and shock and questions...
so many questions
that would remain unanswered

there were so many things that
no one was aware of;
things we couldn't comprehend at the time,

and, to this day, i still can't.

t.m.

your stormy seas
met my calm, rolling waves
and created an unbreakable tide
that washed over me,
and suddenly
i was enveloped in you
without any fear
of drowning

t.m.

there is beauty in the silence that accompanies solitude.* it leaves you with room to wonder; to remember;  to surrender to a certain curiosity of what lies ahead - a curiosity of what happens once the silence is broken.

there is beauty in the volume of a crowded space. a monotonous pitch of laughter and small talk about the weather creates a soundtrack to the buzzing thoughts racing through your mind - the thoughts that become amplified once all the noise dies down.

there is beauty in the complexity of sound. silence and noise compliment each other in all aspects of life - where one is present, so is the other.

t.m.

maybe one day the explosive anger you've drawn out of me will subside and the blaze i've set will turn to ashes. maybe one day i'll be able to glance your way without thinking of who else has. maybe one day i'll stop going through our pictures, reminiscing and wondering where it all went wrong. maybe one day i'll listen to that mix tape you made for me without wondering if you still sing along to every verse of your favorite song on the track list.

but, soon enough, I will be happy again. soon enough, i will find solace in being independent. soon enough, i will accept the fact that this did, in fact, happen. i will be okay with that. soon enough, i will not think back upon the things you did to me and feel anger rise from the pit of my stomach.

soon enough, i will look back and thank you for teaching me lessons i had yet to learn until now.

soon enough,
i will be okay.

t.m.

i have given in
to the soft crackle of old vinyls
harmonizing with the
rain tapping on my window;
it is a song unlike any other,
the lyrics engrained into my mind
and the rhythm in time with my heartbeat,
slow and steady

i am bathed in the glow
of scented candles and
strings of lights
strung up between windows and doors and open drawers;
wrapped in vanilla and white light,
enveloped in warmth
and drenched in dimly lit happiness

i am alone but never lonely;
on nights like these i lay awake
in sync with the crackle of vinyl
the soft patter of rainfall
the flickering of tiny flames
and the peace i have found
in simplicity.

t.m.

i am always there as the shoulder to cry on and the one who listens. i am constantly there to catch people when they fall and piece them back together when they break.

no one steps in when they're aware that you're the strong one, you know.

they tell me, oh, you'll be fine. shake it off. it's going to be okay. but, is it?

it's truly hard being the base,
the shoulder, the glue holding broken pieces together, because there is always an unanswered question that lingers:

when i finally need a shoulder to cry on or someone to catch me when i slip and fall or something to hold me together when i shatter,

who's going to do it?

t.m.

I LET YOU WALK ALL OVER ME LIKE I WAS YOUR LITTLE DOORMAT AND I LET YOU PUSH ME AROUND AND PLAY WITH ME LIKE I WAS YOUR LITTLE TOY JUST SO YOU COULD FEEL THE SLIGHTEST BIT OF HAPPINESS BECAUSE I KNEW THAT WAS A FOREIGN CONCEPT TO YOU. I LET YOU TREAT ME IN WAYS YOU CLAIMED TO BE AGAINST; THE THINGS YOU SAID TO ME AND DID TO ME WERE OKAY WHEN THEY CAME FROM YOU BUT UNACCEPTABLE WHEN THEY CAME FROM MY END. YOU KNEW I WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE AND YOU HAD BEEN TAKING COMPLETE ADVANTAGE OF THAT KNOWING I WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU. I LET THE CIRCUMSTANCES YOU FELL UNDER BECOME THE EXCUSES FOR THE WAY YOU MADE ME FEEL; I EVEN MADE EXCUSES FOR MYSELF. I SLIPPED INTO A STATE WHERE MY INSTANT REFLEXES WERE SECOND THOUGHTS AND GUILT AND I BEGAN TO FEAR THE WAY YOU FELT ABOUT ME BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THE REASON YOU ENDED UP HURT AND YOU'VE GOT ME INTO SITUATIONS I WANTED TO AVOID AND PLACES I DON'T WANT TO BE AND I'M NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO TELL YOU THIS AND IT'S TEARING ME APART.

t.m.

i saw a picture of you with her today
many who saw seemed to ignore
the fact that i was, in fact, yours
at such a recent time
people complimented the two of you,
what a wonderful pair;
it took everything in me not to
pitch my phone to the concrete.

i told you i had nothing left to say
but now as i catch glimpses of
your smile directed at someone else
and overhear broken pieces of
lighthearted conversations that
sound like ones we used to share,
my mind swells with thoughts
that won't slip past my teeth.

i keep telling myself i'll be okay*
without the expectation that
you would so easily find someone new
to confide in, to trust like i trusted you;
now, as i watch you stop mid-stride
to talk to her,
now that i can see you looking
at someone the same way
you looked at me when you told me
i meant everything and more to you,
i stop believing the mantras
i've been repeating.

t.m.