i’m like King Midas,
surrounded by gold, the best
but i don’t touch it,
can’t touch the very material
i give off,
can’t make myself the kind of happy
i (apparently) make others.
i give off pure gold,
24k happiness,
but the metal grows cold in
my veins, turns solid
letting the worst seep into my bloodstream
and the best
swirling through the veins of the ones
around me.
oh, how i wish
i could get a taste of that
24k golden sun.
-a.c.b

when you saw me in the halls today
i’m sure i looked happy.


that is how good i am at lying.
-a.c.b

it's not something i can exactly pinpoint,
but more the fact that
in a stadium full of 500 screaming peers,
i've never felt more alone.
even making brief eye contact with you, smiling,
then looking away
didn't alleviate the pain ebbing through me now.
it's not something i can exactly put my finger on,
but more the fact that
you were standing so close to her,
talking, laughing
while i stood rows below
loneliness wrapped around me,
even as my friends stood next to me, shoulder to shoulder.
i know you're not mine,
but you're not the only one who gets a little jealous.
it's not something i can exactly pinpoint,
but more the fact that
it's a little too dark tonight.
-a.c.b

i want to forgive you.
i want to stop my passive aggressive nonsense,
call you, hug you,
hell, i'd cross country run to you right now if i could
(and we both know how much i hate running).
hi,
i kinda
sorta
miss you tons,
miss your laugh and smile and
the way you run your fingers through your hair.
this isn't the kind of heart wrenching pain that you feel when you say goodbye forever,
(you know i know what that feels like)
but more like a subtle pang in my heart
when i picture your face.
it’s the tangled feeling i get in my tummy when
it feels like all my organs twist in a ball
because i haven’t heard you say my name
a while.
so ask me what do i want to do?
i want to come and love you <3

there are so many of you
that i would love to sit down with;
maybe over a milkshake and a plate of fries;
and just talk.
i want to ask you about the boy that hurt you,
about the anger you feel deep inside
over a father who said he’d come back...
and then didn’t.
i want to run with you through pages of words and say
“oh that’s right, what a lovely metaphor.”
i want to see all your smiling faces and
thank each and every one of you for showing me kindness,
for saving my life.
i want to collaborate on novels of poetry
and laugh with you through the tears of our pasts.
so until we sip those milkshakes and eat those fries...
thank you, to
some of the most beautiful people i have never met.

it's weird to think of him in past tense,
something that's usually "is" has become "was,"
i am in love with him
should be
i was in love with him
even though, past tense doesn't apply to all my feelings.
i am in love with him
is still
i am in love with him.

i told my therapist about you,
not because you ******* me up
(well, that too)
but because i can't not talk about you,
because i love the way your name tastes on my tongue,
because the words i spin almost conjure you into existence.
she asked why i brought you up,
she asked what your importance was to me and i said
he is my happiness.
she frowned,
slightly shook her head,
and told me that i should not like
the way your name tastes on my tongue.

first you need to pick a red flag of a boy.
make sure he's got beautiful eyes,
and a smile you can write poetry about.
actually,
make sure he is poetry--
find metaphors in his dimples and
similes in his crooked teeth.
the catch is, he can't be a good one.
he must have a tragic flaw,
something your friends can't stop pointing out to you.
for now, ignore those warnings and just focus on him--
talk to him whenever you can,
think about him,
write about him.
become drunk off his voice and imagine what his lips taste like.
fill your daydreams with phantom thoughts of him,
months & months flying by until
you can't imagine life without
the beautiful boy in the grey sweater.
now remember--
you're not actually with him yet,
yes
this builds the suspense
makes you wonder
if you'll ever actually taste his lips.
so keep your comfortable distance,
give him time
to make up his mind
if he wants to date you.
yes,
you've heard how he is with other girls,
you've heard what he's done to their ****** hearts
but oh never
could this boy do these horrendous things
he's too pure
says all the right things
but oh always
is the question banging in the back of your skull, now you MUST
give into those urges,
do it
feel it
ask it, ask him if he's
ever
going
to love you.
but you'll wish you hadn't,
because the hesitation will already be out of his mouth
before you can take it back,
his next words along the lines of:
"i thought we'd maybe just
have some fun together, if you know what i mean"
and the broken angel he's been hiding from you
for months,
the monster your friends have been warning you about
for months
will finally be brought to the light.
and that splitting pain of betrayal will come flooding in--
i'm telling you
this is a surefire way
to break your own heart.
-a.c.b