Take a shot when you say something quick
To avoid repeating past trauma.
Take a shot every time you get sick over this big web of lies that you've spun up.
Take two when you say it without thinking at all and don't realize for hours later.
Take two when the shame of it creeps up your neck and you want it to leave but it lingers.
Three for the white lies and pity plays,
Three for the guilt that you feel.
Four when you've said it all so many times
That you're never quite sure what IS real.

you don't regret the violence
until the throbbing sets in in your wrists

Rage surges through my body like electric currents
And I am flesh and bone not meant to control it
Forgive me, I'm about to break
I might shock you with my uncontrollable sparking
I do not want this electricity
It makes my dearest, my golden afraid of me

Hello, my bleary-eyed conquerors of morning.
Again you have slain the little beasts that cling to your skin and weigh you down, urging you to dismiss the sun.
Some may not understand the war we wage,
But I see and commend your strength on this day.
Many battles have we lost to the weight of our thoughts,
To the repetitive rumbling reminders of the day's duties.
But today,
My Warriors,
We have defeated the dreary drag of depression
To fight another day.
Hello, my bleary-eyed conquers of morning.
I hope we meet again at tomorrow's dawn.

It occurs to me now that I still bring my voice low for you,
Dance on knives for you,
Do anything to accommodate you and assure that I don’t breathe your precious air.
All of this.
Even after you have called me poison
And accused me for emoting
As if I held a gun to your head.
**** your comfort,
**** your space.
I won’t dance for you anymore.
I hope my voice brings you to tears so maybe you’ll feel something other than self-righteousness.
I hope this poem makes you want to run away so you’ll know how I feel every time I see your name.
I hope you defrost.
I hope you melt.
I hope you finally feel everything you’ve never wanted to.
…
I hope you grow from this.
I hope you finally can be warm.
I hope you regret your frostbite.
I hope you never again hurt anyone like you’ve hurt me.
…
Somewhere deep inside, in the places I keep quiet,
I hope you learn to suffer.