i thought that i could miss it
but i heard the sound
stomach falling through me
because i turned around

i know that you can feel me
burning through your ground
i didn't know that i hurt you
until i saw you drown

i feel every muscle when you glare at me
i painted you a picture
but it's not what you see
now i know
i was the monster
i'm probably diseased
i thought it was love language
i thought you'd admire me

i could say i'm sorry but that won't bring it back
so maybe i can lock myself inside my head
fill the holes and close the cracks

maybe it's true
i'm delusional, obsessed, deranged and aloof
but i finally realise and sometimes accept
that i am
nothing to you

a puppet hung on slack frayed string
room for mistakes and mold
like i'm drifting underwater

if you cut my string
i am a ragdoll
dead weight in the warm dusty water
clogged by crisp brown leaves

kookaburras gargle a mockery
because i haven't left the water
emotionally shot
i am a daughter

he despises calamity
jeopardizes my vanity
criticizes forced apathy

"i love your hair"
but
"don't cut your hair"
also
"why won't you brush your hair"

he rules our musty maze
and lovingly dictates
laughs when we cry
because "you're fine!"

wiping my hot tears with an expired hanker chief
snickering kiss on the forehead
and he forgets

grating leg bark
blinding and smooth
my hair snow is ugly but

my burning pierces your pupils
i comply and i deceive
make my mind up
every night
a different hue you must shine

"you look stunning"
yet i feel like a puzzle
i slot my imperfections into the middle
so he won't see me until he tastes me

get teased
until you pick up three-hundred degrees
as YOU tease until you like who you see

why can he be anything
but i have to recalibrate
before i can celebrate

i will never reach my final form