i go back and forth
every couple of months
performing my ritual dance
of what ifs and i hopes

no matter what i do
i always return
to this ancestral place
of insecurity and naivety

i'm tired of this war
waged between
my mind and my heart
it's caused me to grow old
and become someone
who is tenfold my age

but time goes on
and i'm still here
performing the same dance
perfecting it for the grand finale
of when the vultures swoop in
and tear the remains of my heart to shreds

i'm tired of this war
i don't know how much more i can take
the voices around me say to drop the rope, the game is done
but i still find myself tugging with everything i have
which is only a fragile wish for a future
that may possibly never come

she sat in the sand watching the sun slip below the horizon and thought the words she couldn’t say to him

i wish it would have turned out differently. if i had a different home life or he didn’t think so much. maybe if we had less lonely souls or could turn back time we wouldn’t be where we are now. i wish it wouldn’t have ended the way it did. i never wanted it to end with the thoughts i give up i can’t do it anymore in my head, but now i have no idea what’s in his head and i would love nothing more than to understand his thoughts again. i can’t stand the confusion and mixed signals. i don’t know what i ever was to him, let alone what i am now. we are broken kids in different ways and all i know is that we melted together so well; he made me feel less broken. i just don’t understand why the universe would put two people together that can’t seem to be with each other because my god it’s so much harder to get over someone you’re still in love with, but i suppose that’s how life is huh, complicated.

s.s

i was told
to make my body
my home
so i painted
embarrassment
on the walls
and hung
hate
from the ceilings
i am uncomfortable
in this home
and the image i see
saddens me
because this home
is messy
and the other girls
are pristine

s.s

darling, you don't miss me
you miss the attention

s.s